Hello,

Once again I end up in a difficult situation, girlfriend decided she wanted a break because she starting a new job, she tells me this over the phone, I tell her I am coming over to get by benchpress and a few things, when I get there, all my stuff are packed in bags, she doesn't let me in the front door and says go in by the basement door. When she opened the door I just collapsed on my knees in shock all my stuff was ready to go.
I told her I needed a moment to calm down because I could not take my stuff and leave, I am diabetic and my sugar was really high. She let me calm down and invited me upstairs in the living room. She was angry and full of resentment. She said she felt like roommates and she lost her feelings for me. So I started to feel terrible and I could not hold my emotions and asked what did I do?

She said that I wasn't active enough and I had lost all the traits I had when I started dating her 5 years ago. Then she started crying and became emotional and she looked like she wanted to give it another chance but a break was needed. I told her I did not believe in breaks and it would just push us away into someone else's arms.
So she suggested we see each other once a week to do activities to stay active and don't get depressed and talk once a day. Since I was emotional I accepted. I packed my stuff in my car and she followed me back home on the highway. Then we waved goodbye and she went to her mothers place. An hour later she asks me if I want to go for a walk and go for icecream. So I say OK and meet her. She shows up with a new hair do and all smiling. Like if she wanted me to feel good about the break.

After a week of talking on phone, I refused to do any more talking or even go for activities with her because I didn't want us to fall in the friend zone. So I told her after the break we can talk.

We had an agreement that we were suppose to meet up on July 2nd and talk about the break and if we continue the relationship or end it. She hasn't showed any sign of life. Should I break no contact?

When has there been "no contact"? My advice is to break completely and permanently with no more talking in person, no phone calls, no texting, no ice cream dates, no checking about each other with friends and family, no Facebook interacting. Nothing. Zilch. TOTAL break.

That's one thing I would never say. Talk about weak and needy! UGH! Break/break up... what's the difference?

No you got dumped so get control of yourself and move along with your life. 5 years is a rather long time to date without a deeper plan for the future.

I always like to know some really basic practical matters like where exactly were you living? 'Coming over' implies that you weren't living with her.

Yet you kept your benchpress there? Dude, I mean really. Rule # 1 is Wait until Asked to Move In before you send out an advance party of gym equipment.

Are you living with your parents... and not exactly rushing over to see her with a sparkle in your step? Gee, let's see, my girlfriend has her own apartment, so I'll just run over and do some bench presses.... or plop down on the couch to play video games or watch TV or text all my friends....

please correct me if the image is all wrong. My gut says you aren't the most sensitive guy on the relationship scene. Yes, 5 years can do that, but what exactly has been going on in terms of real steps toward a more solid relationship for 5 years?

I decided to do a no contact break from June 3rd until today, I only broke it on June 10th to text her happy birthday but no kisses. She wanted me to take her out on her birthday when we were still talking on the phone. But after implementing NC. I decided not to take her out and just text her.

Um. NC means NO Contact. NONE. NO texting. NO CONTACT.

And it's not a way to make her miss you by depriving her of your wonderfulness. That's NOT the point of NO Contact. This is NOT how to get her back.

I implemented no contact after the first week of the break because we both needed time and space to reflect on the relationship. So now it's been a month we haven't spoke. I only broke it by text to with her happy birthday on June 10th.

Ok let me clarify,
She has a house up north and I have an apartment 1 hour away from her. I brought the bench at her place so she can use it too, because we had like a little gym room in her basement. She always asked me to go live with her, but I was resistant to make the move because it was a big step, we were both unemployed for the majority of the relationship, she got depressed after losing our baby 3 months into pregnancy, and started taking anti depressants which really changed her. I would say the 2nd year together she became a mess. Then her family started to blame me because I was unemployed too and they said she lost the baby because of my negativity. But she was 41 at the time and I did research and women only have a 5% chance of having a baby at that age. Then I started to notice she lost her libido and had a very low sex drive, no orgasms, it's like she just shutdown and when we did have sex it was occasionally and she had to put lots of effort to enjoy it. At the beginning of the relationship she always initiated it. Then because of her family blaming me, I avoided going to family parties and I felt kind of ashamed of my unemployed situation. She also had financial problems and problems with her house which was built with cheap materials and I was always fixing stuff or painting or cutting the lawn. Yes I could have moved in with her but I was also worried she would one day say I don't have feelings for you so take all your stuff and leave and then I would have lost my apartment and end up moving with parents. One friend of mine told me once, never move in with a woman in her house, but buy a house together and move in together. But I think the main reasons she ended it is: 1-unemployed & 2- not active enough, she wanted me to do sports and outdoor activities with her and 3- I am type 1 diabetic and I was sometimes irritable when my blood sugar was high. I wish she would have communicated better with me, she just ended it very quickly and I felt betrayed. I stilll have some things at her house, should I wait till she calls me to go pick them up or should I just send her a letter telling her I want the rest of my stuff and I am over the relationship.

Wow, just wow...
I wish you had told us all this at the beginning.
She got depressed and still is. If she had hoped for children, that's gone. SHE'S IN HER FORTIES!
I'd let her continue her resolve to be out of the relationship, even if she is torn. I don't think you can be what she needs, and she needs a lot.
Wait til she calls you. Be nice to her. Getting your stuff is just a side issue.
Talk. Have a long, long talk about what really matters in life, to each of you.
if there is any way you can be friends, be one for her.
YOU be the strong one on this. Be a friend but don't get involved again. She just needs someone to talk to while she turns her life in a new direction. Yes, fall into the friend zone. You have no right to be all wounded about the lack of warning. It was there in her mood, and you missed it. Your rationale for not moving in together makes not one shred of sense. By that logic, none of us should ever leave our house or get involved with anyone.

How do you manage to have an apartment but no job?

Another thing: Don't listen to pithy advice from friends.

Be assertive. Let her know that you will reclaim your stuff at such-and-such date/time, then follow through without hugs and kisses goodbye. It's over.

I just saw Joy's post, written while I wrote mine. Hmmmmm... Joy is one of my favorites. She may be right. Joy said, "YOU be the strong one on this. Be a friend but don't get involved again." Can you do that?

I don't think being friends is a good idea, I have thought about it and she will just use me to tell me her problems like a psychologist, I did that during the relationship and I comforted her in hard times, but now that she got better she dumped me and I have to make my life better on my own.

I am 44 and going on 45 in September, she is 46 now. Maybe the age difference did not help either. I am making a career change and I have to take care of my health, body and soul. I have my own problems, and I could not fix her problems because they were too many.

Her brother accused me of making her lose the baby saying I was too negative around her, but in reality it was the age and we were both in the same boat, plus she was on anti depressants and pre-menopause kicking in and other sex drive problems which drove me nutts and I don't know how I stayed with her all these years, thinking things could get better, maybe I was too optimistic.

5 years and no commitment, or plan, yeah I would say you would never be ready to take a risk, but you got the milk for free without buying the cow. You should have ended this 3 years ago, and saved you both the confusion, and misery. Bottom line you tried but it didn't work so you get your stuff ASAP, and hopefully you both can move your lives to a better place without each other.

I don't see you as friends, way to many issues and baggage, which neither of you could resolve, but it seems she was ready to take a risk but you were not, so this 5 year free sex thing should be left to memory. Obviously you cannot build a life that you both enjoy, and that my friend is what it's all about.

Cut your losses.

Hi Joy, The other reason I could not move is my parents are getting old and they need my help, that's why I wanted her to move here with me, they own an apartment complex and I do the maintenance, painting, repairs etc... I forgot to mention there was not much work in her area since she lives in a small town of about 5000 population. In order for me to move in with her I had to look for a new job in a different career. She wasn't working either and I had a feeling she wanted to stay home and send me to work to pay her mortgage, pet bills, car payments etc... I did not feel motivated because mainly our sex life was dull since she had a very low libido, she was always down and tired, complained a lot and last months very distant, cold, evasive and not herself. To top it off I became diabetic type 1 when we started dating 5 years ago, so I had to adapt to the new diet and had to make big changes in lifestyle and habits. I could not go do all the sports activities with her mainly because my blood sugar could drop and I could go hypo, so I had to monitor my sugar frequently in order to do physical activities. She probably saw this as big problem too because she had gained lots of weight after losing the baby, and now she was on a mission to lose the extra weight and she was exercising a lot!As you can see there were many things that we could not agree on.

OK, I feel for both of you. More for her because of her age and the lost baby. She didn't lose the baby because of you though - she lost it because of her AGE!

PS: I KNOW I wrote 'pithy advice.' Someone changed it to 'pity advice.' I changed it back.

Thanks for the tip Tal,

The way I see it, it was a good lesson in life and I learned a lot from this relationship, I made a mistake of not keeping her interest level high enough by getting too comfortable with her and forgetting about myself and my purpose in life. I was too available for her and talked and texted over phone too much. I lost my confidence, my self esteem and my self respect and I regret I did not act sooner and end it before she did.

With time when she started to change, I became a little jealous and she picked it up and called me insecure. I always trusted her in the relationship except in the end when she started to lie and disrespect me and telling some secrets I told her to her family. I lost trust in her.

This broken relationship will make me stronger for any future relationship.
I will not repeat the same mistakes ever again.

The life lesson to learn is be accountable for your own inadequacies, issues, and not put all the blame on your ex-partner. After all this flawed human put up with your crap for 5 years too, so it could not have been all that bad from either of you.

It takes two to succeed, and TWO to fail. Whose to say that if one of you is perfect the outcome wouldn't be the same?

Lose that notion. Why regret getting dumped?

I forgot to mention we also have a dog we got together 3 years ago. She tried to get me emotional by sending me pics of our dog by text. In 5 days I will be 30 days of NC.

''...I had a feeling she wanted to stay home and send me to work to pay her mortgage, pet bills....''

Enough! You aren't right for each other. Our dog was her dog yesterday. You got the dog together, but weren't even living together! Then when she is the one with the dog all the time, paying for food and vets and so on, how is it that now you have a dog together?

And 'you had a feeling about what she wanted,' but you never talked about it. Why not?

Sadly, many of your differences were solvable if you had just sat down and really talked logistics. Money, housing, work, sharing chores, how much sex... sounds too mundane and unromantic? 'Where is our relationship going' progress reports would have freed you for a more romantic life.

Do you remember what was the big reason you were dumped in April 2009? Money. You had no job then.
Does this give you any ideas about money? Stop dating women who expect you to foot the bills. They are often the best looking, best dressed, most entitled, but not always.
Start thinking about some of the nuts and bolts of relationships. Put it all together. Get wise.

You are absolutely right, unfortunately I always end up with these type of women, who want me to pay the bills.

For the dog I paid half of the bill and I was paying the dog food too. And I raised it when it was a puppy. Now she is keeping the dog and playing with my feelings cause she knows I love the dog too.