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    tfc79's Avatar
    tfc79 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 26, 2015, 02:41 AM
    I need advice. I'm struggling.
    Hi everyone,

    I'm struggling here.

    My girlfriend who I have been with only a few months is going through hell.

    Her mom passed away three years ago and the grief is only coming to her now. She was her best friend. She is devastated.

    She is starting bereavement counselling this week.

    Her ex who was with her when her mom died has been in touch and has told her she is heart broken and wants her back. My girlfriend told me she has no loving feelings towards her ex but she feels guilty for ruining her life, for tearing her family apart and feels like a horrible person because she is the cause of someone else's pain even though she knows what the pain of losing someone is like she is the cause of this ex girlfriend's pain and she hates herself for it.

    She has said she feels numb and confused and wracked with guilt- we cheated on our girl friends in order to start our relationship and although we both felt guilt and were both in unhappy relationships we felt that we were meant to be.

    Now she has said to me that all she wants to do is push me away in the hope of not hurting me and not destroying us while all of her thoughts are so foggy.

    I told her I will give her the solace she needs and I said I am not going to run away. She said "I hope not, even through all of this madness" I told her it isn't madness at all and she said she feels like it is and she is scared and feels like she's breaking down.

    Any advice?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    May 26, 2015, 03:35 AM
    There's bereavement, and then there's guilt. Guilt clouds the grief and doesn't allow it to progress and lessen.
    Hopefully her group will help her sort the two out!
    She doesn't realize that she blames her mother's death on her own actions, just as though she had taken a gun and shot her mother.
    Most of us have guilt with our grief, but it varies in degree. Grieving is supposed to include slowly realizing that we don't cause the death of our loved ones, despite lingering feelings that are really quite common and normal. I am still kicking myself that I didn't make a visiting nurse leave who had a cold and gave both my dad and me colds. And that I didn't find a way to go to a warm place for the winter. And that I forgot some of his favorite foods. And so on!

    As for her ex!!!! What a self-serving woman. Wants her back and is playing on her guilt. I hope she doesn't fall for it. Good that you can 'offer solace' without intruding.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,213, Reputation: 10853
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    #3

    May 26, 2015, 04:02 AM
    She does need to stop contact with the ex, first and foremost, guilt, shame or not. You need to recognize this is madness, jumping from one relationship to another under such terms as cheating, and having no proper healing after such traumas.

    If you think this was meant to be for the long haul, recognize she has a lot of baggage to unpack, and frankly maybe you do too, as she tries to restore her sanity, and you are just trying to hold onto what you have stolen. I see totally conflicting agendas and you both suffer now from that conflict.

    All you can do is keep your word, and give solace and support as she sorts her feelings out, but don't be at all surprised that once she does, she needs some alone time from all those wanting a piece of her and that includes YOU too.

    The last thing she needs is the ex keeping the shame and guilt trip alive, and those emotional wounds fresh and painful. She can never heal under such circumstances.
    tfc79's Avatar
    tfc79 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    May 26, 2015, 04:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    There's bereavement, and then there's guilt. Guilt clouds the grief and doesn't allow it to progress and lessen.
    Hopefully her group will help her sort the two out!
    She doesn't realize that she blames her mother's death on her own actions, just as though she had taken a gun and shot her mother.
    Most of us have guilt with our grief, but it varies in degree. Grieving is supposed to include slowly realizing that we don't cause the death of our loved ones, despite lingering feelings that are really quite common and normal. I am still kicking myself that I didn't make a visiting nurse leave who had a cold and gave both my dad and me colds. And that I didn't find a way to go to a warm place for the winter. And that I forgot some of his favorite foods. And so on!

    As for her ex!!!! What a self-serving woman. Wants her back and is playing on her guilt. I hope she doesn't fall for it. Good that you can 'offer solace' without intruding.


    I meant ro say I told her I will give her space not solace.

    You know she has been cleaning out her home and she has boxes of her motherst things like get well soon messages, her hair clips stuff like that and letters she wrote her mother and it is honestly eating her up inside. I can see her just destroyed and it breaks my heart.

    The ex who was there when her mom got sick, my girlfriend said that she feels she can never repay her for her support at the time of her mother getting sick and passing away. The ex is obviously a good person and was a great comfort during thst time... I just can't shake thr feeling that this ex is playing on this to try and win her back.

    My girlfriend feels everything 1000 times more than your average person. She is almost too caring if that is possibly. She cares for others feelings sometimes so much she neglets her own.

    I can honestly tell you that this is tearing my heart and soul apart but I will not tell her that ever. She asked me but I lied I said I am OK and only concerned that she feels better- I don't want to add to her feelings of guilt by telling her that this whoke thing is making me sad as well.

    I just don't know what will happen with us now. Yes she says she hopes I won't walk away, she says she doesn't want to destroy us... but I just don't know. I'm powerless and scared.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    May 26, 2015, 06:05 AM
    I think you are handling this about as well as anybody could. Yes, you are powerless, because we all are with others. We offer, and we wait. They do what they are going to do.

    Your biggest job isn't her, it's keeping your own life going without making this the center of it. You have let her know that you are 'there' and that's all you can do. (Yes, I would be tempted to express my fear that her ex is using her confusion and guilt to get her back... but that may backfire. Your choice.) Being available without sitting around waiting is the best of all.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #6

    May 26, 2015, 06:51 AM
    Both of you started your relationship, with a lie. You both broke the heart of your current love, and cared only about yourselves. There was no stopping one relationship, before even beginning to think about another one, because there was no healing, and time at being single, to get back on your feet. That takes time, and the end of one relationship, needs a grieving period in itself, before moving on.

    You have been with her only a few months, and confusion has set in on both sides, over the decisions made. Add to that the loss of one's mother is now both a reason and an excuse, to need time away from this two month relationship, with you. The ex is at least in the picture as both a loss, and an excuse, mixed up with guilt, and likely regret.

    Your new girlfriend doesn't know what she wants.

    You can only add to, and create so many problems, before the problems, the real problems, take over, and nobody knows which end is up. And you are creating your own angst by trying to figure out a girl you barely know.

    What you do know about each other, is that you both cheated, which includes dishonesty, selfishness, and an awareness of what the behavior has caused or destroyed. It not only destroyed the relationships you were both in (or contributed to it), but the relationship the two of you started. There was nothing to base honesty or integrity on. The sum of all the characteristics of both of you were reduced to cheaters, and we all know how those relationships end up.

    She needs to sort herself out and stand on her own two feet, and make better decisions. You need to sort yourself out, and stand on your own two feet, and make better decisions.

    She has regrets, and has added all kinds of other problems on top of the existing problems that didn't go away, when she met you. The least of which is not knowing what she wants. You included.

    After only several weeks of knowing someone, you really know nothing at all, and I hope you realize that. A cheater starting with a cheater doesn't bode well for success.

    My advise to you is to end the relationship. To keep going is like trying to chip away at a mountain with a tea spoon. Until you reassess yourself, and your own integrity, honesty, and mistakes, you will not be a whole, available person to have another relationship. Had you both been in a solid relationship for a long period, building a future together, you could have weathered any storm.

    You can't just 'want' another relationship, and damn the torpedo's in other words, without some serious consequences.

    Let her go, do some work on yourself, and don't make the same mistake again.
    tfc79's Avatar
    tfc79 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    May 26, 2015, 08:25 AM
    We kissed at a club. Went back to a party and kissed more there. We went our separate ways then about three weeks later my then girlfriend and I broke up after another fight. Two weeks after this I spoke to my current girlfriend and she had told me her and her ex btoke up. We went on a date and the rest pretty much unfolded quite quickly.

    I have in the padt hour received a trxt from her saying she appreciates me giving her this space and she loves me with every part of her...

    I'm just going to let her try to get things going in her therapy and give her space. She knows I am here for her if she needs me.

    I am not willing to give up on this. Not unless she tells me she doesn't want this relationship. I think that although it is early on that thid is far too special to walk away from.

    We have kniwn each other and crossed paths on a number of occasiins over the course of about six years. Only last month I was looking at old photos on Facebook and there was one of me with three other girls like a group photiphoto all with arms around each other's necks. At the time I knew ine girl but the other two I didn't- turns out last month when I looked, one of them was her, my girlfriend.

    I am not walking away from this I don't think I should
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #8

    May 26, 2015, 09:39 AM
    I wouldn't walk away either. I'd run. You've been with her only a few months and there's so much drama. Typically in a relationship drama doesn't get better. Your partner may crave drama especially if it's something you have seen since knowing her. When a relationship is basically new, drama is somewhat tolerable. But over time it will wear on you and you will realize that the only excitement is drama.
    tfc79's Avatar
    tfc79 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    May 26, 2015, 10:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    I think you are handling this about as well as anybody could. Yes, you are powerless, because we all are with others. We offer, and we wait. They do what they are going to do.

    Your biggest job isn't her, it's keeping your own life going without making this the center of it. You have let her know that you are 'there' and that's all you can do. (Yes, I would be tempted to express my fear that her ex is using her confusion and guilt to get her back... but that may backfire. Your choice.) Being available without sitting around waiting is the best of all.
    Oh god I won't say ananything about her ex. I wouldn't do that. There would be no point. Her ex is not my priority. Our relationship is. I won't need to say anything about it. I will just keep to myself, look after me and hopefully things will work out.

    I haven't contacted her only in response to her text and I think well I hope it is the right thing to do ,
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #10

    May 26, 2015, 11:47 AM
    'Walking away from this' is not something you will even consider, and I don't hear that there is any plan in place, other than to wait and see what happens.

    Serious relationships share hardship together- not apart. That is another red flag for you to see. Any couple with a solid, loving, secure, honest relationship, shares the very best, and the very worst, that life throws at you. One or the other doesn't need 'space' from the other, to solve serious problems on their own, they need their partner. That's how it works.

    Her needing space is a common precursor to a breakup, by being a coward and unable or unwilling to come right out with it- that the relationship is over.

    I hope for your own sake that you set boundaries of your own- the least you can do until you know what's going on. What she has thrown your way so far, doesn't indicate a solid relationship, or a reliance on a solid partner, it only indicates excuses, which by the way, will get worse and more confusing as time goes by. You might want to consider giving this space she needs, at least in terms of time.

    Tell her that you will wait exactly 30 days, and should her life not be sorted out, or she needs more time, or she still can't make up her mind about you, then you will move on.

    Then do it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,213, Reputation: 10853
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    #11

    May 26, 2015, 01:36 PM
    Her ex is not my priority. Our relationship is.
    That's exactly what I mean by conflicting agendas because you have to admit the relationship is NOT her priority right now, but her own well being is, and rightfully so, and this relationship may well be a crutch to get her through this hard time.

    You know what happens to a crutch when it is no longer needed.
    tfc79's Avatar
    tfc79 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    May 26, 2015, 01:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    That's exactly what I mean by conflicting agendas because you have to admit the relationship is NOT her priority right now, but her own well being is, and rightfully so, and this relationship may well be a crutch to get her through this hard time.

    You know what happens to a crutch when it is no longer needed.
    Yes I do. It's a chance I'm willing to take though. Her main priority now is her well being. Mine really is my well being. When I said my main priority is our relationship and not her ex I meant if I had to choose between the two.

    I'm feelinf pretty low right now to be honest. Just missing her. Miss talking to her. She was at her fofirst therapy session today.

    I always seem to end up in this type of relationship. I think I'm just weak, confused, co-dependent, messed up.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #13

    May 26, 2015, 01:50 PM
    "Space" usually means "over"...just prepare yourself for this likely possibility.
    tfc79's Avatar
    tfc79 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    May 26, 2015, 02:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by odinn7 View Post
    "Space" usually means "over"...just prepare yourself for this likely possibility.
    Ok, thanks
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #15

    May 26, 2015, 04:37 PM
    Do you learn from these relationships? Your words below would indicate that you do not. If you are inviting co-dependent people who are all about drama into your world then you can expect the relationship to end like this. Relationships with stable people and no drama are so much more rewarding.

    So she has made a choice and you can't control how she feels or what she does. But you do control how you react to this choice. Keep yourself busy, get some exercise, have fun with friends, and over time you will start to feel better.

    Quote Originally Posted by tfc79 View Post

    I'm feelinf pretty low right now to be honest. Just missing her. Miss talking to her. She was at her fofirst therapy session today.

    I always seem to end up in this type of relationship. I think I'm just weak, confused, co-dependent, messed up.
    tfc79's Avatar
    tfc79 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    May 27, 2015, 11:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    Do you learn from these relationships? Your words below would indicate that you do not. If you are inviting co-dependent people who are all about drama into your world then you can expect the relationship to end like this. Relationships with stable people and no drama are so much more rewarding.

    So she has made a choice and you can't control how she feels or what she does. But you do control how you react to this choice. Keep yourself busy, get some exercise, have fun with friends, and over time you will start to feel better.

    Thanks

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