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    In addition to the last?

    Asked Jun 28, 2008, 01:09 PM 4 Answers
    Well that was the first of many break ups that has led to us being apart for 5 months now? And I want to add that I don't talk to sandy any more because I thought I was helping her and at first she was incourageing in my relationship to lori, but then she tried to turn me against lori, and I figured that's why she would disrespect me in abuseing my time and making me wait longer and longer every time and since I figured out my nieve ness I quit talking to sandy, don't see or talk to her, haven't for 5 months but now how do I fix the mess I got myself inte trying to make lori believe I was faithful because I really was?
    I just figured by me showing that I would be there 4 my friends that she would see I was loyal and would see I would that I would be faithful to her but I guess me trying to stand firm and not budge that I told her not to make me choose, that was I guess wrong, so finally she started making false accusations and like I said I didn't feel I had to justify what I was doing and it wasn't just about sandy it was anybody even when id come home to hang out with my bro one weekend I hadent been home for three months and spent the night so she accused me of being a fag, he's my bro he's the one who took me in when I didn't have a pot to piss in and took care of me after my back injury financially! He was there for me so he was missing his bro and I figured she had family activities going on that I would spend a Friday night hanging out with my bro, and the same my dear friend amanda she needed someone to chat to and droped by on valintines eve to see me and larry my bro because her dad passed away lori came by and got all jelious? OK understandable I get it I will explain to lori that she is a friend and that I was there when her dad died and when her brother needed brain surgery and when her mom needed to be comitter into mental health because she has too many bills and lost her job and house OK I can explain and justify what I was doing which was being a loyal friend but the fact was that my heart belonged to her [lori] OK understandable she had some deeper trust issues that didn't lie with me but I was to pay 4 it so OK no problem I don't mind a challenge? Yea right speaking lightly. So one day running home to grab some clother from my house before she got home from work she called me and lexured me so I lost it I didn't feel evey where I went I was going to get accused of being with sandy and every time we argued she would tell me to go running to sandy so OK enough was enough she had broke up with me several times in the beginning I would pretend and take it further than I should have to see how much she really loved me to see how much leverage I had over her and it was wrong of me to do and what she was willing to do to keep me from leaving well id always act like it but I don't think I ever did, but the time I did leave was on her terms and it escellated from there I started to loose my temper never in front of anybody but id get mad but seldom raise my voice and sometimes swear but not swearing aimed at her just about the situation but I was always trying to justify myself and that I wasn't wrong and sandy and I wasn't doing anything and she would get so mad and say I was always defending sandy! But I wasn't defending anything alls I was saying was that sandy and I weren't doing anything! So anyway one day I got a in a fight with her on the phone and I was home like usual getting clean clothes she made another accusation to me well that time I believe I killed her love for me and that was three months ago I told her to f off and she was a FN B and another time she got my hopes up to see her because we had been broke up 4 like three weeks and I hadent seen her and we made planns to see each other fri after church well she had been taliking to people from church and people told her that you can't have friends that close and not be doing something well she called that night off it hurt so bad I once again over reacted and called her a name no woman should ever have to hear a vile horrid name that makes my own skin crawl I called her a FN CNT! Bluntly!
    And to this very day I'm ashamed to even think I did this to the woman I am so desperately in love with! And basically from there is when we ended we made love one time after that and that was the last time I was with lori? We've tried so many times to get back well I have and well she hasn't I have but I did make her look lika a rose through out this but its not the blame game its how do I fix what I have done I know I can't take back the names and I will 4ever be ashamed but what to do on us being able to fall in love with each other again and how do I stop making the mistakes I believe I have already made them all that you talk about I've done the begging depressed self pitty pleading that her kids see her moveing from relationship to relationship calling desperation weak pathetic imoral I love you I can't live with out you your my soul mate how could you do this to me don't u care about me and my feelings o u already moved on huh o yea the one if she ever dose find a new man well for her to remember that when he's on top of her he's thinking of someone else you know the mind games< the immaturity! But mirriored from her to!
    We just about made it to the point to not even have any communication I know she still loves me and I'm so in love with her but she is scared and who the heck would blame her I don't blame her one bit I am to because I've been cheated on and I know the pain of what she is scared of but I've tried to tell het I would be faithful to her 4ever I would cross the universe to be with her but I was sabitoged from the beginning because she didn't trust me and she had herd it all to many times before so many I love u's and I would never do that's and all the empty promises in the dark and she fell for it every time like me but what really sucks is I am not that guy I what you say old fasion you get married and stay with your mate until death until you part! I am that guy and I stand firm on my beliefs?
    And she is scared to believe any different but when I went into this relationship I knew it was different from any other relationship I had been in she was a faithful follower of jesus christ!
    But her insecurities bogg down her faith?
    But I am starting to think there may be a chance of salvageing this relationship she still misses me and I quit pushing her emotional buttions per say I was trying so hard and the harder I tried the colder she came to be! So I started to backoff a couple of weeks ago what scares me is if I get another chance I'm going to blow it like I keep doing because she is so twisted no matter what I seem to do I'm wrong and she is so frikkn moody but I quit fighting and started to look from her point of view a couple of months ago and seen from her posotion which still sometimes makes no frikkin sense but whatever I still love her so I don't really care no sense of being nitpicking it just causes arguments!
    So my friend and confidant what the heck do I do to keep her and not to do so I loose what I've already accomplished we may have a future date for a picknick to where we fell in love together! And my friend sandy is no longer part of the equasion any more! Because look at where I let it take me I just about or may still have lost my true soul mate but I guess only time will tell on that?
    But I'm afraid like we used to argue about all the time before is she never made any time for me after we first broke up she got involved in to all kinds of different things to keep her mind off me and have an excuse not to be able to spend time with me or see me? And now she is taking on another job when it will add another 24 hrs to her 50 hrs a week work schedule because her ex huspend is a deadbeat dad?
    So how do you like that being to the point and blunt? I'm misled by everyone and I don't want to give up even though its been three months but we still talk every day and I am making good progress and not being whiny or pushy or demanding I'm giving her the respect I should have given her from ths begining but I'm trying to treat her the way she deserves like a beautiful woman that she is I've had six months to change my tune and figure what I want and its her!
    P.S. help me if you can I would be very grateful! Thank you for taking your time to read my sobb story
    Because I know you're time is valuable!
    So greetings and may god bless you and keep u!
    So how do I get lori to know I'm not like the rest, and that id follow her into eternity
    I was always honest with her knowing very well it would upset her very much I still told where and what I was doing no matter what so she could learn to trust me, I always told her and on valintines day we did have a date together and I was ready to go to dinner with her and amanda stopped by before lori got there so I chatted with amanda because she was going through a crisis but I told her I was going out with my woman lori! So I could only chat until lori got to my house! And you know? Lori said she was OK with me having friends but she was as expected jelious! I would be to but I did leave when she got there! So no problem? She explained she didn't have a problem with amanda or any other female friends I had? Just sandy! But I guess it was that emotional confidence I had with sandy and I explained to lori I was willing to give it to her because she was the love of my life that I wanted her to be my best friend and wife, but she said she didn't want to have to share me! But I emphasized I wanted her and only her that I didn't love sandy, sandy was only a friend but then the other day I GOT AN E-MAIL? The 10 red flaggs to an emotional affair!
    I didn't read that and forewarded it to lori only to get it sent back a moment later I sent it to lori to send to a friend that was indeed having an affair then I read it and said OMG?that says everything I said I wasn't doing that leads to an phisical affair GREAT because I didn't?
    That wasn't the right thing to send to the woman your trying to make up with! But I didn't do anything with sandy I mean cmon I got morals!
    So anyway from my previous letter you can see I've dug a very deep hole 4 myself with my words of anger!
    So what can I do to show her how much I love her,and I know what I said? And by the time I spent with sandy! I didn't do what I set out to do that I promised I would do and protect her heart like I said I would ,even though I never cheated I still spent too much time with another woman even though she is old enough to be my mother and isn't really to pleasant to look at lori still doesn't trust me 4 trying to justify the time I did spend with sandy!
    How do I win back my soul mate before she decides to up and leave? And gets hurt by another? I messed up and I can't justify the names! That's work I have to do on myself and three months ago I made a pact to her and myself that I would never call her names out of anger and I would cut my tongue out before I did call her another name?
    And we've had a couple of off moments and heated discussions but I haven't and I know I won't because she means so much to me and I'm so ashamed for the names that did come to light?
    So please HELP ME IF U CAN I won't show her I'm desperate but I am desperate to have her in my arms again! To love her unconditionally!
    I've tried to show and tell her I would always be faithful to her and I was never unfaithful?
    You're expertise would be appreciated and I would be forever thankful to some advise that would guide her back to my love and to have her to love me 4 ever she is the type of woman you waite to marry she has been through a lot in the past relationships but she doesn't know how to let go of the past and I pay 4 it! But I'm willing to see reasoning?I pray every time I think of her and that's a lot believe me!
    And all of our argueing comes from her throwing sandy in my face how and when will she stop? I know time but what can I do in the mean time?
    Sincerely, but of most part I was home when I said I would be and I spent and did everything with lori I went and did everything with her? I know I did wrong by helping sandy so much and I haven't since it was only at work, I know now what I did but that was over 5 months ago and I've been trying to repair the damage ever since, I know she is insecure and I try not to give her any reason not to so she has things to mess with her head because I love her and I want to be with her again?

    Last edited by inyhunter; Jun 28, 2008 at 09:18 PM.
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    4 Answers
    victoria_mitchell's Avatar
    victoria_mitchell Posts: 242, Reputation: 32
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    #2

    Jun 28, 2008, 01:33 PM
    If you would shorten your story and ask a more SHORT and specific question I am sure more people including myself would be happy to give you advice
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,813, Reputation: 10851
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    #3

    Jun 28, 2008, 02:40 PM
    I read this and your other posts, and you clearly bit off more than you can chew. She has been through enough, and needs a long time, and lots of help you can't give. If you really want to help, leave her alone.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,248, Reputation: 7689
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    #4

    Jun 28, 2008, 05:34 PM


    Yes, leave her alone and move on,
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    sokay's Avatar
    sokay Posts: 142, Reputation: 14
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    #5

    Jun 28, 2008, 08:09 PM
    I don't really think this is about cheating (ie having sex) with Sandy vs. not having sex. You're spending a good deal of time with Sandy, and regularly getting late to your girlfriend's house because of it.

    Whether you find Sandy attractive or not, probably isn't the real issue. It's probably the unusually high level of your devotion to her. You were helping her at her job and at home what almost every day? And frequently getting back to your girlfriends late because, 'things happen'.

    I don't think most women would really be OK with that. It's pretty easy for a woman who isn't dating you to tell you how 'sweet' it is, and then go on about her day. It's a whole other thing for her to actually date you and like the situation.

    I know a lot of married couples, and I can't think of one happily married couple where the husband is this devoted to, spending this much time helping another woman. Even his mother. Those are the things some men do for their wives. And most men I know don't even spend that much time helping their wives. Even though they are decent guys. Sandy is reliant on you, she should hire people to help her, but then actually, why should she when she doesn't have to?

    But hey, yeah, let's just pretend she's just the 'jealous type' and can't deal with your kindness to others.

    Seriously whichever way you want to look at it, you two are not compatible in any way. I have a sneaking suspicion that if it weren't Sandy, it would be someone or something else.

    You are who you are, this doesn't make you a bad guy, but you're just going to have to try to find a woman who thinks this arrangement you have with Sandy is 'just great'... and not only in theory, but in practice. Good luck!
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