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    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:37 PM
    Is it abusive? Or is it just me
    I have a boyfriend who I've been with for nearly a year now, in a distant relationship. We broke up mid year and stayed broken up for ages, but now we're back together.

    When we were together before. He broke up with me all the time, and then threatened to kill himself. I would cry and cry and beg him not to and say ill change and be a better girlfriend. And then he'd reluctantly get back back with me. It really hurt me because he'd say, oh you never show me you love me. But it was never good enough.

    He keeps hurting me, he tells me he thinks other girls are hot, and that he would do them, but if I say anything, ill get shouted at and a big fight will start and ill probably get dumped again. This morning, I called him to see if he was awake so he wouldn't be late for work. He didn't answer so I sent him a message saying please message if you're awake. He didn't message so I messaged again saying I'm worried and I might call again.

    Then like ages later he called me and was all angry at me. Shouting and swearing and saying that I always mother him and he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

    Is the way I'm behaving irrational? I'm just trying to show him that I care, but am I over doing it? I really don't understand. I truly love him. But I don't know how I can keep this relationship going if he's always going to find fault with me.


    Please help :(
    mewmewgirl's Avatar
    mewmewgirl Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:42 PM

    I may be new to this but it sounds to me as he doesn't treat you right.But if you want to keep going out with him you should give him space once in a while.And if he hurts you or yells you should stop seeing him.
    Eileen1218's Avatar
    Eileen1218 Posts: 145, Reputation: 8
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    #3

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:42 PM

    Stop blaming yourself . You know who is at fault... just dump him... he IS abusing you!
    dazzling's Avatar
    dazzling Posts: 45, Reputation: 3
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    #4

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:44 PM

    It is absolutely irrational and abusive.

    He is enough for u to refer this relationship to a domestice-violence hotline.

    NO one has the right to treat u like this. That is not a boyfriend, that is an enemy who is trying to break u.

    Get out now. Next time he says he will kill himself (which is manipulative) tell him to call the suicide hotline. Or u will call the cops ibecause it is illegal to take ones life. He will call his bluff in no time!

    Good luck.
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:45 PM

    Thank you. I think the giving him space thing is a good idea.

    But the thing is, I'm emotionally attached to him. If I was to break up with him, it would seriously destroy me.

    When we were broken up before I got into self harm because the pain just became unbearable. I can't do that again...
    mewmewgirl's Avatar
    mewmewgirl Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:46 PM

    Look he is ovisly using you!Probably to show of!
    dazzling's Avatar
    dazzling Posts: 45, Reputation: 3
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    #7

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by tearingapart View Post
    i have a boyfriend who iv been with for nearly a year now, in a distant relationship. we broke up mid year and stayed broken up for ages, but now we're back together.

    when we were together before. he broke up with me all the time, and then threatened to kill himself. i would cry and cry and beg him not to and say ill change and be a better girlfriend. and then he'd reluctantly get back back with me. it really hurt me because he'd say, oh you never show me you love me. but it was never good enough.

    he keeps hurting me, he tells me he thinks other girls are hot, and that he would do them, but if i say anything, ill get shouted at and a big fight will start and ill probably get dumped again. this morning, i called him to see if he was awake so he wouldnt be late for work. he didnt answer so i sent him a message saying please msg if you're awake. he didnt message so i messaged again saying im worried and i might call again.

    then like ages later he called me and was all angry at me. shouting and swearing and saying that i always mother him and he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

    is the way im behaving irrational? im just trying to show him that i care, but am i over doing it? i really dont understand. i truly love him. but i dont know how i can keep this relationship going if he's always going to find fault with me.


    please help :(

    I don't understand why u would miss treatment like this?
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:47 PM
    But I should also mention, when we're good, we're really good!

    I feel incredible happiness!

    And he makes me feel like he genuinely loves me.

    But then he snaps and I feel like , yet I get blamed...

    But the good out weighs the bad kind of, so I'm stuck.

    Last night I found out he had ADHD when he was younger, and still has bouts of it, and that's why he gets so angry...
    mewmewgirl's Avatar
    mewmewgirl Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:48 PM

    SO it is not an excuse.
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:50 PM
    But we live in different states of the country!

    How can he be showing off?

    He always cries to me and says that I'm going to leave him because I'm beautiful and he's scum and stuff.

    I deny this always. And tell him we'll be together.

    But its just so confusing. I don't want to break up with him, I want to say something to him that'll show him how much he hurts me.

    But another thing, after big fights. He'll call and say sorry, and that his a jerk, and that he knows he hurts me and he's going to stop because he loves me.

    But it always happens! I really want it to work because he's a really special person but I just don't know what to do


    Ps. Thanks for everyone's help. You guys are great!
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:51 PM
    What does "SO it is not an excuse" mean?
    mewmewgirl's Avatar
    mewmewgirl Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:52 PM

    All right say it is hurtful and you cry at night and can't eat.And it feels like he is tearing you to shreads.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #13

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:53 PM

    You are emotionally attached to him because he is emotionally blackmailing you by guilting you into staying with him. A healthy love would not be making you feel obligated by the anger, threats, swearing and yelling.
    When he 'threatens' to leave you tell him goodbye and hang up on him and go to NO contact. He is playing manipulative word games to box you into a no win situation.
    Trust me you will fall in love many times over but you need to learn to fall for a guy that can love you back. This guy doesn't have the foggiest idea how to love.
    Why does he deserve your love when he can't give it back?
    Eileen1218's Avatar
    Eileen1218 Posts: 145, Reputation: 8
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    #14

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:53 PM

    What will you do when he hits you??
    mewmewgirl's Avatar
    mewmewgirl Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:53 PM

    Wait what is the year diference?
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:53 PM
    dazzling - I don't know why :( its because I love him I think.

    When I was younger my dad was pretty emotionally abusive, my mum and him are divorced, and my mum used to say she was worried that I would get involved with people like my dad, because he always used to reject me, and I just wanted his love.

    I don't know why I love my boyfriend. I really don't. But I would feel so guilty if I broke up with him because I have no doubt he'd try and kill himself. I don't want that on my conscience...
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:54 PM
    3 year age difference. He's older
    mewmewgirl's Avatar
    mewmewgirl Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:56 PM

    Ha there is the problem he thinks he is better
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #19

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:57 PM
    But NOhelp4u, he'd kill himself if I did that. I have deep feelings for him.

    He's incredibly manipulative and I know that. But I just go along with it because there's things in his life that make his life really hard.

    His dad beats him.
    His mums an alcoholic.
    He has lung cancer.
    His little brother drowned while he was supposed to be watching him.
    His best friend died in a car accident.

    Just lots...
    tearingapart's Avatar
    tearingapart Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #20

    Dec 16, 2008, 04:58 PM
    I'm hoping he won't hit me...

    But the day he does, is the day I will end it for good.

    I've promised myself that.

    But can someone tell me,

    Besides cheating.

    What is the single most unforgivable thing a one can do in relationshiP?

    Because I feel I've let my standards stoop incredibly low.

    He bullies and I just deal with it. I hate how little self esteem I have
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