Hello,

I wish to ask about a relationship a sibling of mine has with a woman. I will call the woman Sally and my sibling John for the purpose of this.

John started dating Sally after a year of seeing her every now and then. After they started dating, I could tell that sex followed very quickly. (Not even a month after dating) Normally, I couldn't care less about this.

They have been dating for about two years now, but I have noticed disturbing patterns in the woman he has been dating. She seems manipulative and bossy towards John at times, but he acts like he is OK with it. I have noticed that whenever I talk to her (especially when John is not around) that she tends to act snotty towards me and always has the attitude of "I'm better than you." I know this for a fact because when we were all around a group of people, she still acted this way towards me in particular, not the others. I do not know what I may have said or done to cause her to act this way, so it leads me into more suspicion.

Now, this is not about me though. I am wondering if she acts that way because she knows that I am suspicious of her actions. To describe her more, I would say that she bosses around John a lot and acts like she is in charge, but she acts like its sarcasm. To me, this is not a joke. She has done this ever since they have started dating, and I am concerned about my sibling's happiness and safety. It gets weirder than that, though. She acts almost unnaturally nice when she is around my parents, and is much more behaved. I hate how I get the feeling that she is trying to hide something. Plus, she's pulled a Taser on me once and acted like it was a joke.

I know that I am no expert on relationships, but I am just wondering if anyone else with experience like this knows what is going on. Maybe I'm just a bit paranoid, or am I actually on to something?

As you se not all men are the abusers. However getting the thick headed person to see past the lust and googly eyes they have for that person to see the abuser they really are, is a difficult task. One that sometimes might even be impossible because often times that person (the ubuesed person) will rationalise the behaviour... when there really is no way to rationalize it.

I hate to say it but it is up to your brother to deal with this. If she pulls a taser again though I would get the authorities involved.

One of the things that you have to realize that people often need to experience the mistake before they realize, learn, and move on from it. As well you don't see much of the intimate side of the relationship. What you see is what you see, and it is hard to get the relationship dynamic from that. It could be that your brother is submissive and looks for more domineering women. This could be his happy zone.

Support him when he needs it, be the sibling he will need you to be. Beyond that, there isn't anything you really can or should do.

I'm curious about what 'something' you might be onto?
Hiding what?
Many people of both sexes manipulate. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is made up of manipulators looking for manipulatees. And the latter group seems to want it, no matter how miserable they are.

As for caring about your sibling, of course it isn't easy to tell yourself that it's none of your business when you want your brother to be happy. All you can do is give advice, keep it short, say it ONCE, and let it go. You don't want to lose him by being a bossy brother!

As for tasers, the ones available to the general public are much lower voltage than the ones cops get. That doesn't make it OK. Casually ask her sometime what the voltage is (and what brand and what it cost, as though you might buy one), and do some research online.

Limit your contact with his girlfriend, easier said than done, and keep a healthy distance between him, and his relationship. He is the only one that can do anything about the female he is with, and all you can do is stress yourself and keep tensions high.

I have ignored the choices in partners my siblings have made more than a few times, while staying out of their very personal business. Doesn't matter why you don't like each other.

What you can do is just support your sibling, whenever he need you. Don't go directly to him and say that she is abusive but try to bring the situation in a way that it should not look like you are saying something against her or you are trying to teach your sibling or something like that, but say In a way that he get the message and also he doesn't get offended or hurt. For example, while talking about something use example of other dating couples whom your sibling know about and show him that how they behaves, treat each other with love and respect, how a relationship should be between a couple, etc.
And now for you, when she tries to put you down or something in front of other then you be good to her good (at least act), don't show others how you feel about her, but when she tries to do like that and you are not in the middle of group, the just speak on her face that keep ''dreaming about and exalting herself in the dream but every one knows who and what is she'' or ''every one can see what is fake and reality''. Something like that and stand for yourself, don't let her damage your life with her attitude, but don't do it in front of others bcos if you did it in front of others, they will not believe you when the time will come, they will think that, you didn't like her, that's why you are saying bad about her, its nothing wrong with her, its wrong with you, bcos you don't like her. ( I know its sound little political but c'mon you have to make people understand the way they understand), as you yourself said she acts nice in front of the family.
So, at the end, I would like to say that don't hate her in real, every human being go through something in their life and they behave according to that, you don't know why he or she became like this, ''so love one another'' but also'' resist the devil and he shall flee from you''.