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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #1

    Nov 2, 2006, 10:17 AM
    Absence make the heart grow fonder
    Here's a good question, Absence makes the heart grow fonder for the dumpee. I know this because I loved my ex but then she dumped me 2 months ago. My love for her was definitely evident in the relationship, but now it is over the feelings of love are magnified ten fold.

    Question is, can that happen to the dumper? Can their feelings grow stronger?

    Perhaps in the differences they see in other people compared to you, the dumpee or remembering the good times together when the relationship did not go stale..

    Let me know what you think...
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
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    #2

    Nov 2, 2006, 10:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

    Question is, can that happen to the dumper?? Can their feelings grow stronger??
    Rarely I believe since they did the dumping for a particular reason (or ste of reasons), the dumper rarely has any insight into what the reasons are so he/she is left wondering and hoping.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #3

    Nov 2, 2006, 10:38 AM
    Yeah - depends why the break.

    How needy and desperate where you - how much did you push them away?

    You're asking for something that most like Won't happen - most likely you did too much damage to get them back.

    Being to available and needy never brings them back.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #4

    Nov 2, 2006, 11:27 AM
    Well,

    You know the history of my breakup in the breakup help post.

    Maybe at first when she broke up with me, told me over the phone she did not want to be with me anymore, I did the begging thing because I did not want the relationship to be over. I phoned up saying, can we give it another chance, work on any issues she was unhappy with but she told me not to ring again so I did not and since week 2, No Contact...

    So at first, I did call her but only because I wanted to save the relationship.. I have my distance now.

    As you see from my other thread, she is very young and perhaps needs time to sort out her own self i.e. mature a little.

    Darn, relationships are complicated.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #5

    Nov 2, 2006, 11:45 AM
    Now - see - next time you so - Ok, wha tever you want - Bye.

    Walk away. No more words - no begging.

    No contact. Disappear.

    Then they might miss you.

    You're putting undue pressure o nthem by begging - it's repulsive!
    beavis st john's Avatar
    beavis st john Posts: 3, Reputation: 6
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    #6

    Nov 2, 2006, 11:53 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    Heres a good question, Absence makes the heart grow fonder for the dumpee. I know this because I loved my ex but then she dumped me 2 months ago. My love for her was definately evident in the relationship, but now it is over the feelings of love are magnified ten fold.

    Question is, can that happen to the dumper?? Can their feelings grow stronger??

    Perhaps in the differences they see in other people compared to you, the dumpee or remembering the good times together when the relationship did not go stale..

    Let me know what you think...
    Living well and being happy are two of the most attractive attributes to anyone.make this you're focus.and things will come you're way.when you're ex sees you happy they will definitely wonder why
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #7

    Nov 2, 2006, 06:17 PM
    It can definitely happen to the "dumper." That is precisely why we are always telling the posters here not to contact an ex that has disappointed them and to get themselves busy and get a life, one that doesn't involve their former significant other. We urge people to move on with their lives. Often, when the dumper realizes that the dumpee has moved on, the dumper magically reappears in the life of the dumpee. Of course, it really isn't by magic but you get my drift. Remember, neediness and clingyness, whether actual or perceived, are major reasons for one lover to dump another. When the dumper realizes that the dumpee wasn't so needy and clingy after all (by getting a busy life of their own), it makes the dumpee all the more attractive to the dumper and everyone else.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Nov 2, 2006, 09:48 PM
    The one making the break has a clear advantage of having longer to accept the relationship is over and their mind has been made up to move on. Most times they have had the time to plan the next move or diversion. The other person is caught by surprise , usually goes into shock and wonders what he/she did wrong.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #9

    Nov 3, 2006, 04:02 PM
    Hi Wildcat, are you saying from the agree post that if you are the one in shock, then 2 - 6 months to get over it and move on is the norm..

    I know you should not place a timescale on it, but I heard somewhere that you should allow 2 months for each year you were in the relationship...

    I'm sure that applies to the dumpee, not sure about the dumper, probably similar but as Tal says, they have more time to process the breakup before the dumpee...
    Sentra's Avatar
    Sentra Posts: 385, Reputation: 55
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    #10

    Nov 3, 2006, 04:04 PM
    First, you should stop analyzing and nitpicking at what you feel and instead just simply feel. Think through this as best as you can, there is a difference between missing/loving someone and then missing/loving the 'idea' of someone.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #11

    Nov 3, 2006, 04:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    The one making the break has a clear advantage of having longer to accept the relationship is over and their mind has been made up to move on. Most times they have had the time to plan the next move or diversion. The other person is caught by surprise , usually goes into shock and wonders what he/she did wrong.

    Yes.. This definitely happened with my ex, she had it planned in her mind, I mean, we split up 3 times.. She was young and wanted to explore herself.

    The point is, I was still in shock, but she had time to work on her loss, thereby able to cope with moving on more quick, a definite advantage.

    Still, 3 times>>?? Why was I in shock, should have seen it coming..

    As Wildcat said in one of my other threads, I am way too forgiving.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Nov 3, 2006, 05:05 PM
    My best advice is to have a healthy, balanced relationship to start with. A break-up is much easier to deal with when both have not lost themselves in some fantasy that stops you from using your own instinct to not only protect yourself but to see things in a realistic way. So much easier to deal with adversity if you've kept your head and heart in a safe place. Take your time and you can tell who's pushing and who's running and who's playing a game. Life is about making good decisions and dealing realistically with what life throws at us.
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #13

    Nov 16, 2006, 05:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    Well,

    You know the history of my breakup in the breakup help post.

    Maybe at first when she broke up with me, told me over the phone she did not want to be with me anymore, I did the begging thing because I did not want the relationship to be over. I phoned up saying, can we give it another chance, work on any issues she was unhappy with but she told me not to ring again so I did not and since week 2, No Contact...

    So at first, I did call her but only because I wanted to save the relationship..I have my distance now.

    As you see from my other thread, she is very young and perhaps needs time to sort out her own self i.e. mature a little.

    Darn, relationships are complicated.
    You are so cute!! Hang in there!! ;)
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #14

    Nov 17, 2006, 05:28 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Allheart
    You are so cute!!! Hang in there!!!!!;)
    Thanks. I'm sure there is light at the end of this tunnel.. :)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #15

    Nov 17, 2006, 07:03 AM
    When I was much younger I had a g/f who I thought so much of that I just knew she was the one. When she broke up with me, I as so devastated that nothing mattered till I one day looked in a mirror and was shocked at what I saw, IS THIS ME? I made up my mind that I would never do that to myself again and made it a mission to get the me that I loved back. It took a while but I started to do everything I could to build the kind of life that I wanted. As things started to fall into place a half a year later, I was able to interact with people again and started to really love myself and what I was doing and lo and behold people started to react to me ESPECIALLY the females in a more positive way. When I got healthier I got stronger within myself, and have been able to survive and call on past experiences to further refine and define who I am and what I'm about. To this day I do the things that I enjoy and make me happy. That's power and the best way I have found to keep that power is to pass it on. That's why helping others helps me too. So I am very happy when you make progress, slowly for now but you are getting there.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #16

    Nov 17, 2006, 09:13 AM
    Good stuff - Tal - been through similar stuff myself - it' important to change and grow and EXCEPT new ideas!!
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #17

    Nov 17, 2006, 04:51 PM
    Thanks Tal,

    I especially like the part of what you said that you one day looked in the mirror and did not like what you saw.. I identify with what you are saying...

    Errr:D well, I mean not literally, I mean, I am not the american werewolf in Bristol...

    LOL

    No I get what you are saying... There are parts of me that were lost and Yes, I don't like in some ways what I see.. I have some improvements to make, a journey to make through all this pain and sadness... I know I will get better but it will take time and also I need to accept that there are improvements that need to be made and I am opening my eyes up to these.

    I really miss my ex... I went for a couple of beers yesterday and I walked along the waterfront near where I met her... All I could think about was the day we first met... It hurt like hell, then I turned around and walked away. I walked away from the past... I hope that I have the courage to walk the path to the future and know that this woman will not be the only true love I will ever have...

    I know she is gone.. I know she won't be back...

    But my love won't go away..

    So I know what I need to do... Retain the love I have for her inside and build a future without her..

    It is o.k to love someone and know that they will never be part of your life I guess..?

    I don't know.. For all the advice that I give on this website, I am somewhat confused myself but I get comfort in sharing my pain and knowing that others understand what I am going through...
    dbek's Avatar
    dbek Posts: 74, Reputation: 4
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    #18

    Nov 17, 2006, 11:51 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
    Heres a good question, Absence makes the heart grow fonder for the dumpee. I know this because I loved my ex but then she dumped me 2 months ago. My love for her was definately evident in the relationship, but now it is over the feelings of love are magnified ten fold.

    Question is, can that happen to the dumper?? Can their feelings grow stronger??

    Perhaps in the differences they see in other people compared to you, the dumpee or remembering the good times together when the relationship did not go stale..

    Let me know what you think...
    Sure, I believe you guys could make it work. You both may have to compremise on things to make the relationship work. Maybe this time apart was a good thing for you to see what your missing!
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #19

    Nov 18, 2006, 01:02 AM
    Geoff,

    Every time I read your post or responses, I am more than impressed and touched by your depth and ability to express yourself. I promise you the pain will subside and when you meet the one who is deserving of you, you will look back on this difficult time and be grateful and more than proud of the person you have become.

    Until that time, just know you are not alone, we all have been there, some of us still there,
    But I am more than confident that there is great happiness that lies ahead for you.

    Be good to yourself.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Nov 18, 2006, 04:43 AM
    It is o.k to love someone and know that they will never be part of your life I guess..?
    I look back and can't say I wasn't mad at my ex, we had gotten along great, but she wanted something else at the time and it didn't include me so after the hurt, and anger, and resentment and the shock, acceptance sets in as your mind comes back to health, You can still have the love and actually smile because you had it, but now you can move on and not let the memories hold you back. I will be the first to admit how long and hard that journey is , but having made it a FEW times (I'm not the American werewolf either,) now I think it was worth it actually since I was made ready for my soul mate and best friend and have been very happy for 32 blessed years.( No doubt GOD helped) Just go forward one step at a time.

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