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    butterflyforever's Avatar
    butterflyforever Posts: 59, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Feb 22, 2008, 08:05 PM
    4 year LD USA/Canada .
    I met my boyfriend now ex.. on icq 4 years ago we chatted for about 8 months and then he flew me to canada. We did this back and forth back and forth invested a lot into the relationship.. some my money but a lot his part cause he had a higher position at work then me.. we both have finished college I am 26 he is 28. At one point I lost my job and things went hard then.. he was always there for me though he would help me pay my bills and he was only going into more debt.. I finally landed a position offered to pay it back and he did not want it but I did try and still try he won't take it. He says he would rather see me just get on my own two feet so he doesn't have to send like that again and get into more financial hardship. I understand that. 2 weeks ago I was feeling insecure about the relationship because we hadn't been talking that much during these hard working months when I didn't have a job and I also undestand he was working to help me so he was busy but at the same time I missed him and fed into my insecurities because we were talking less and unfortantly during a conversation told him he was gay because he doesn't call me sexy anymore and I kind of pushed the envelope on it. He immediately broke up with me saying he's not going to put up with that type of treatment considering all he's done for me. I understand that too.. I did apologize deeply, I called him, wrote him a letter, and I have vowed to be a better me for him.. come visit him in April since I work now etc.. But he won't budge. If I bring up the topic he says stop bothering me with this enough already I've told you the answer ( breakup). He will talk about other things sometimes or he will just ignore me on the chat. So I have learned its best I give him space so I am out of my needy stage... But in the letter I did express how insecuire I was feeling and that its just I miss him and we need some time togetehr and now that I have a position I want to come see him or at least help him pay off the debt etc.. And I want to write letters again etc... cause like I said we went through a period where he was working a lot and me finding work and we talked just not like we use to as far as letters calls etc.. Mostly small chats. I think he feels unappreciated perhaps but I'm def. here for him and have always been and I never taken anything he has given me for granted and that is money and if we have plans to be together the money will work out is what I tell him but I been waiting 4 years just as much as he has so I'm shocked after investing so much into this and time and patience and dedication and yes money etc.. That hed break up so easy. So that is the money aspect of it the gay part of it that is going on. Some other reasons he could have broken up are..
    1. doesn't want to do LD anymore
    2. Doesn't want a visa or me to get one..
    3 another girl - doubtful though cause he spends so much time investing into me and making sure I am OK but you never know but I totally have trusted him.
    4. feels real unappreciated- in which I never ever meant this at all really love him..
    5. or it is just the gay thing bugged him a lot.. he claims he told me never to ask this ( prob told me yrs ago) or hed flip out.. cause he his gay phobic.. but also in reality its prob more along the lines of I said that at a time he was helping me cause I just recently landed work.
    6. Scared of future marriage moving etc...
    7. Feels the grass is greener else where

    Also he has not taken me off his messenger.. I left him on.. cause I am not sure of his reasons for that...
    We also have never broken up before or done anything like that we have had small tiffs but nothing out the ordinary... we try to make this relationships real and make it work so this is a huge disappointment.


    Anyway when he broke up with me 2 weeks ago he did it real hasty I'm not sure if he thought it out well but it was right after I said the gay thing maybe it was a good reason to opt out don't know... Im not sure what is the reason what do you guys think.. what are my chances here? I have done the needy stage unfortantly I may of pushed him off abit.. but now I'm on the space. This man if he can learn to communicate with me... cause I have tried to get him to talk about his feelings and he will avoid or talk about something else or just ignore if we can learn to communicate and get off this LD path Id love to marry him this is the one for me if he sees it fit too... but I also would never want to force this relationship on him.. I want to be loved cause he loves me. I do wish he would understand that there are bumps in relationships and this is one of the hard ones but that we can make it I have expressed that to him... he doesn't really respond. I also understand that what I said the gay antic wasn't nice, esp after 4 years but.. also I think to break up over that is strange.. that's why I hint at the other reasons.. but hey it could just be the gay thing.. I mean id figured hed say a break space or lets talk later.. but he literally just broke up with me I'm shocked.. any advice is appreciated?
    butterflyforever's Avatar
    butterflyforever Posts: 59, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Feb 23, 2008, 01:28 AM
    I guess nobody has advice for me lol.
    helpdave's Avatar
    helpdave Posts: 27, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #3

    Feb 23, 2008, 04:24 AM
    It's a long old message and most people won't read it all, but I did so I will give you my 5 cents worth as I have had a few LD relationships that didn't work out.

    Long Distance relationships are hard to keep going. It can be fun and exciting and when you meet its like you are on holiday again. It's a committed relationship based on the thought of the person more than what they are like in seeing each other every day for 4 years. I have had 2 x 1 year relationships and if I think back I probably spent a combination of 2 full months with that person, so it's equivalent would be a 2 month relationship. How long would you say yours would have been? Have a think about that and consider how well did you really know this person?

    This is my only real insight into you predicament. The gay thing was an excuse to break up, no one breaks up over small things like that unless there is some deeper unhappeness lurking beneath the surface. After 4 years the realisation that time is getting on and maybe a relationship that's in a more realistic geopgraphical location is on the cards, you say something offensive which then equals instant opportunity to end it. It's an assumption but a realistic one.

    What do you do. Understand this and move on. Wouldn't it be great to see someone you love everyday? Being with someone is sharing your live and experiences, how can you do that when you are no where near each other.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #4

    Feb 23, 2008, 08:23 AM
    I think dave is correct, he is tired of this relationship, for whatever reason, and took an argument, to use as an excuse to break it up. It was not hasty on his part, but he had been leaning that way for long enough to know what he wanted, you just gave him an opportunity. Not that your own actions, and words, helped at all, and was totally unfair. You must move on from this, and be independent and happy, by rebuilding your life, without him in it. LD, is tough, so give him space, and leave him alone, and learn to love yourself. Work on your own issues of insecurity, as they will stop you from being happy, in everything you do. Sorry for your loss, but I wish you much luck.
    butterflyforever's Avatar
    butterflyforever Posts: 59, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #5

    Feb 23, 2008, 07:44 PM
    Thanks guys... he talked to me... it truly is the gay accusation and that alone.. he felt unappreciated.. and I admitted how wrong I was for it and that I just want him to be happy with or without me cause I love him... and he said space will be good right now but that in time we can rebuild our trust, and def continue with our plans.. that he does want to do this and eventually see about a future. Thanks for your help everyone Im praying on it.. This may be LD but.. we have lived in each others homes for well over 2 years of it.. and then visit about 100 times after that, and Im def working on myself for my own reasons so that I can be less insecure with him. I def.. Want us to work this out.. and possibly him being the one for me and me for him. Hes always been the one in my eyes.. some rebuilding will be great for us! HE is continuing with his Visa... in 5 months he should be here and we will be building from now and for then on.. but I want nothing but his happiness of course I care to be happy too but if that means letting him go I told him do as you wish, I don't want to force myself on you ever. And he appreciated that. Were also splitting the money on the flights for the next 5mths to be fair.. no more he does it all which he also appreciated. And he said he feels we will be just fine in the end.. and he really loves me and I said I really love u. As far as lesson learned I've got to battle my insecurities and I need to make sure I'm putting in 100 percent too not just money wise but that I know his needs to. So well see!
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Feb 23, 2008, 09:24 PM
    You all need a boost. He is way too willing to fight.

    Evaluate what you can do new in the new year. Sounds like a good start.

    5 months to see what's real.

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