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    BroodLunaMoon's Avatar
    BroodLunaMoon Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jan 4, 2016, 09:26 PM
    Am I A Sociopath?
    Hello. So... today I went to my aunt's funeral. And while I was there I had some odd experiences, and I'm little worried that I might be a deranged sociopath because of these feelings I had while I was there. I think I should just point out that I do not really know my aunt or care for her, and I every time I saw her I just sort of ignored her, I thought she was annoying honestly, so her dying didn't really affect me, but this isn't the problem. The problem is that the entire time I was there, I just couldn't stop looking around at everyone being sad and crying over their lost, and it'd just give me this warm fuzzy feeling of pure happiness and it'd sort of twist my stomach arounds in a kind of painful way but pleasant. But for some reason, I don't know why but I began to smile, when I was looking at everyone being all sad I just found myself smiling. Then I was like "...Wait, I'm at a *** funeral. Why am I smiling?" So I stopped and just looked back down at the ground but then a couple minutes later I look back around and I saw this little girl crying, who I'm assuming is her daughter. And you know that twisty feeling I mentioned? Well, when I looked at that little girl crying I just felt it even more, and it began to feel like my stomach was literally twisting it knots and it felt so weird. And I continued to stare at the girl and I began to laugh a little. I really do not know why this was happening and this is really the first time this has happened to me before.

    I mean, there were other times I had this happen to me but it was really faint and it wasn't like this time. It usually happened whenever I was watching a movie and I saw someone on the TV crying, but it wasn't really anything I worried about because I could easily ignore the sensation and continue watching the show/movie. But this, this was literally all around me. Everywhere I looked there were people with head downs and just... I don't know, it was so weird. I think the reason it was never as strong as beofore, in addition to what I said earlier. This was really the first time I went to a funeral, I went to one when I was four when my dad died, but I was so young I didn't really know what was going on and I don't remember it happening then. But I had small faint experiences like this before, but it was always on a screen. But maybe the fact I was at a funeral, which is essentially a place known for people being sad it just made it stand out more and become more present? I don't know, it was so weird. I've always sort of liked funerals and wanted to host them when I get older and now this experience happened, I sort of want to do it even more now. Because this little girl cry just made me so happy.

    And, it wasn't anything sexual like that. It's not like I was thinking "I wanna *** that crying little girl over there," then I'd really be concerned. No, I think I just liked seeing her so sad and distressed. And I just started thinking about how much this would affect her life, and how this poor kid would never be the same after this event. Because the kid was about 9 or 10 at least. But I just kept thinking about much this will affect her and hurt her, and thinking of all the things she'll need to go through next, and that was when I laughed. Why did I think it was funny? Only a deranged sociopathic monster thinks a little kid who lost a parent is funny. Which is root of the question, I really think I might be an sadist or something. Which is someone who finds amusement in someone else's pain. Which I think I might be. And it wasn't just with the little girl, it was with her father too, and her brother, I really liked her brother hugging her, it was cute. And the boy was clearly trying not to cry because he was trying to be strong for his lil' sis or something. The boy was probably around my age like 14 0r 15 or something. And the idea that the boy was trying hide his own emotions for the sake of his sister just made even amused.

    But see, this worried me.
    I already explain everything, and I really want to know if all of this makes me as disgusting and terrible as I feel. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to feel happy at a little girl life being totally broken by the loss of her mom and how much this will affect her, but I couldn't help it. And I'm worried that one day, one day, I will want to see people in emotional pain, because that is really what I think I liked, the emotional the people were in, I'm worried that I will do something horrible if one day I become desperate to see more. Because, when I was looking at the whole show the kids were putting on, I just wanted to record it, I wouldn't like upload it to YouTube or anything, I'd just keep it for myself so I could watch it whenever I wanted. Thinking back, I sort of wish I did. I should have. But if I did that I'd probably get caught, and then... just yea, I doubt my mom will be pleased with me recording that. I'm hoping someone who knows what they're talking about can tell me if this really is a sign of me sadistic or something. Because I'm pretty sure it is but I just kind of need someone to verify it for me. And I want to know if there is something I can do to make sure one day I don't crazy and kill someone just to so I can go to their funeral and see everyone being sad. Though, honestly I'll probably just get that funeral job, and just do that. That seems better than becoming a murderer. But, anyway, seriously, what should I do? I don't want to tell my mom, because she's all sad about her sister being dead, which really sucks for her. I can't tell her. Which is why I'm asking the internet, because then no one I know will find out.

    [FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#000000]So basically this is the question; am I sadistic sociopath and if I am, should I try tell my therapist at school or should I just see if it goes away on it's own? I don't really want to tell my therapist at school because she might call my mom. But, I'm also curious if the fact I know it's wrong, and I recognize that this is a problem makes me not totally there yet, ya know? I really have no idea, so yeah... just someone who knows what they're talking about answer the question. [/COLOR][/FONT]

    Bye. (This probably had a lot of typos, sorry. I tried to fix some of them but there still might be a few in there. I also think I explained this crappily but whatever.)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692

    Jan 5, 2016, 01:34 AM
    A sociopath is an extreme anti social behavior, you seem to control your behavior, can interact with people. You seem to get pleasure or a good feeling from someone's pain.

    It is how we react, deal and control those feelings that make us. Should you properly talk to someone, yes, It is to be understood, that you were not sad at an aunts funeral that you did not know or like well. As a pastor I do a lot of funerals, often of people I do not know. I can not find any personal sadness but again I am not happy about their death.

    With that said, you do not feel like killing people, so that is a positive thing. There may be personal issues, that make you feel good, about people feeling bad, since it makes you feel better than them, a type of superior feeling. But a professional may help you with those feelings
    Catsmine's Avatar
    Catsmine Posts: 3,827, Reputation: 739
    Pest Control Expert

    Jan 5, 2016, 04:31 AM
    So let me boil this down. This funeral showed you that you enjoy others' discomfort. Your question was "Does this make me a deranged sociopath?"

    In a word, No. No more so than people who enjoy Hamlet or I, Claudius or Wile E. Coyote getting flattened. Everybody who sees others' pain down deep is glad it isn't theirs. You've heard of "Survivor's guilt." Same thing.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Jan 5, 2016, 04:52 AM
    How old are you? Your reactions maybe a bit different, and maybe talking to someone may help you understand yourself better, but I think if you are worried about it to some extent, you will also be mindful of your behavior. It's not that you totally lack empathy for others, just are more detached from it is what appears to be happening, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing, given you are in a situation with people you don't know that well.

    It may be different if you did, and the sadness hits closer to home, and shared with others you are closer to. I don't think you are a deranged sociopath, just a maturing young guy, unless you go out of your way to be cruel, and gain pleasure from it.

    Were the kids you described your cousins? Surprised you didn't acknowledge that.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Jan 5, 2016, 05:22 AM
    A sociopath wouldn't be here asking any questions.
    I think your feelings are built on top of the feelings you had when your father died, at the same age as your little cousin. Any fears of death, any grief over loss, got transformed into a survival tactic of what you are going through now. It's the most common way anyone copes - a mix of denial and other complicated reactions. Reduced to it's simplest terms, people hurt other people to show the world how they were hurt. You aren't doing that actively. You just get some pleasure over seeing people grieve as a 'cover' for what you didn't get to feel when you were 5 and all confused.

    I might explore your childhood in therapy if you think it's getting out of hand. But if you can throw in some compassion, I think you'll be fine.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member

    Jan 5, 2016, 08:28 AM
    What do you think of yourself as a person? Good, Bad or otherwise? You did describe your feeling about other people and your aunt, what about yourself?

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