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MoMmY12009 · Nov 11, 2009, 11:47 AM

:eek:

I began seeing 'SJ' 3 years ago. 8 months ago he left me, walked out is more like it. He had drinking/anger problems. But... I was/am totally in love with this man. We are now trying to work things out again. We have sorted through most of our problems. Once the drinking was gone so was his anger. One major set back. His ex wife. We will refer to her as 'SHE DEVIL'. I became friends with her to make it easier on everyone, they have an 8 year old. She stabbed me in the back once 'SJ' and myself got back together. Saying things, talking about me. Friendship over, right. Now on to the son. His mother has manipulated him. He tells his dad he hates him. Wants 'stepdad' to adopt him. That 'SJ' is a bad father, totally false by the way. This is and always has been so bad that 'SJ' has considered signing over all rights to his son. They live 300 miles aways, he never gets to see or talk to him. This is so stressful I don't know whether to follow through with our relationship or end it? Any thoughts...

:eek:

Gemini54 · Nov 11, 2009, 06:51 PM

It's really, really difficult being in a relationship when there is a manipulative ex-partner. Believe me, I know.

The first thing I would say, is don't get involved. It's difficult, but try to remain objective if you can. Support your BF, but don't get involved with the Ex and don't try to be friends with her. It will just give her more ammunition.

The second thing I would say is that your BF should NOT sign over rights to his child. The boy has a right to see and know his biological father, even though it may all be very difficult. The boy is 8 years old, doesn't know any better, and his mother is manipulating him real good.

Your BF should absolutely continue to have contact. Even if he can't see him - phone calls, cards, texts, emails are all possible. Send photos and small presents at birthdays and Christmas. Do not give up. Children grow up and eventually realize what is going on.

Lastly, I can't advise you about whether you should go or stay. All I can say to you is that for the time being the situation won't change. The Ex will continue to be there (and play her games) and so will the boy.

The stress comes because you buy into the drama. If you can learn to disconnect from it, create boundaries regarding contact with the Ex and focus on your relationship with your BF, then things won't seem so grim.

It does take perseverance, and I wish you well.

Jake2008 · Nov 12, 2009, 07:32 PM

Your boyfriend has alcohol and anger problems that cannot be fixed overnight. I suspect that it was these problems that resulted in the failure of his last relationship which produced a child.

What are the arrangements with child support and custody. Why isn't he seeing him regularly, for at least holidays and summer vacation. Was there nothing in the separation agreement that prohibited moving 300 miles away, or was that okay with him.

I do not understand why your boyfriend doesn't have a stable relationship with his son, regardless of how he gets along with the ex. A court order doesn't give a hoot if they get along, what is in the best interests of the child is what counts.

If he seriously wants to see his child, he should get to a lawyer and either enforce existing custody/shared custody/visitation arrangements, or make arrangements- legally.

I can see that your heart was in the right place to soft of be the between, or mediator between the two parents in the beginning. But, as you've found out, it has only added fuel to the fire. My best advice to you is to let your boyfriend sort out his own business, and when and if he is awarded visitation, then you can step up and help provide a safe nurturing environment for his son.

2ndTime · Nov 15, 2009, 05:36 PM

You cannot have relationship with a man and his ex. It's like you are sabotizing your own relationship. Stop the communication with his ex and have serious talk with him. If he has been clean for a long time and been a loving dad to his son, there seems to be no reason for him to sign over th parental rights. Joint custody is best way to go. All you can do is to be supportive. But if you can't see yourself be supportive and can't stop hanging around his ex, then end the relationship right now. It's obvious that no matter how nice you are to her, she resents you and be manipulative and stabs you in the back. Being in a relationship means accepting each others baggage, however, it does not mean having a relationsip with your other half's ex.