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    Photos of fiancée with ex on Facebook reminds me of unpleasant gossip.

    Asked Jul 8, 2014, 02:34 PM — 10 Answers
    Hello everyone, This is my first post so I'm sorry if it may be a bit long as I'm unsure how to go about this. So, I have been with this girl for about 1 year and 7 months. Recently engaged. A very healthy and good relationship. I'm 26 and she is 25. We both love each other a lot and over our pasts completely. The problem is that I am a jealous guy. And because of that, I have issues about her past. She was a virgin when I met her and I recently found out about this as we had never spoken about it till after we got engaged. I always assumed that she must have had sex with her ex and we actually spoke about it when once I had to be performing at a venue (I'm a musician) where her ex was present and I was really uncomfortable and I told her straight up that I am uncomfortable as I don't like the idea of seeing the face of another guy who she has had sex with and then backstage she cleared it up and told me they just usually kissed and once made out on a bed and she wasn't comfortable so never again. Nothing more than that. Not even second base. She was with him for about 3 years. Since she was 19 to 22.

    Now my issue of jealousy has always been that everyone of her friends knew she was with her ex. She has always been part of this saint's following and he is part of it too and they were friends since they were kids and then started dating. Now, most people think they have been together since the time they were friends. (about 13-14) . The guy who introduced me to her to hook me up with her also said that she was with this guy for almost 10 years. But only her close friends know the truth. I know many people from this group as I have performed for them before . That's how I met her On a performance trip. And some girls in the group tried to be my 'well-wisher' and tried to warn me . ' oh you are with this girl. Do you know about __? And I go yeah I do and they then say yeah they were together for a looong time, that definitely means something'. Basically all the people in the group think she was with him since they were kids and that he dumped her (because he started dating after a month of them breaking up) and that she was sad for the longest time and I may be a rebound. Because no one gets over a person they have been with for 10 years. But only her close circle knows that the breakup was mutual and she was over it much before I met her.

    I do get jealous thinking that all the people I know or she knows think of me as a replacement and think she was with him for 10 years and had sex with him and was devastated when he dumped her, etc, when nothing of it is true. I don't know how to get over it. Need advise. How not to feel jealous and insecure about a story that so many people believe is true and look down upon me. Anyway, this issue now is that, she has gotten rid of all his pictures and everything much before I met her. But I still keep coming across photos of her and him tagged in group photos of her friends on Facebook. I don't feel comfortable seeing that person or even reading his name because it makes me think all this. That people think she has had sex with him or has been with him for so long and got dumped by him and I'm just a replacement guy as she can't be with him. I feel really uncomfortable seeing that guy around even when I once went to her saints sermon and he was there. I walked out as soon as it finished and she supported me.

    She doesn't talk to him at all and very supportive of me and my situation and I told her I wouldn't come there anymore because of this. She was hurt as she feels I should not let a random person affect the decision of what we both want to do. I just don't know what to do. And how to get over this as it is impossible to change what people think in so many countries (the saint has a following in many countries and I have gotten this 'friendly' warning about her in different countries where people don't know her, just met her once or twice or know her parents but heard through others gossip about the story). I can't avoid this social group as she is a part of it and it would be wrong of me to pull her out of something that she was born with, but I really can't take seeing that person's pics with her on Fb and I start getting irritated at her friends for having those photos up still. And it makes me cold towards my fiancé even though she supports me. Please help. Thank you. Regards.

    Last edited by talaniman; Jul 9, 2014 at 11:38 AM.
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    10 Answers
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,594, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Jul 8, 2014, 02:44 PM
    No, this is not a good and healthy relationship. You have a really poisonous case of jealousy, and if you lose her over this (I as a woman would dump you in a heartbeat), it will only get worse as you get older. For the simple reason that we ALL 'have a past!' Where do you get the right to be jealous of anyone from BEFORE YOU? It's a mixture of possessiveness and control, and insecurity about yourself. If he is such a saint, why isn't she still with him? Why is she with YOU? You are so caught up in your own poison that you can't enjoy what you have, and that is about as sad as sad can get.
    How do you get over it? The same way all of us do, because jealousy is natural. Little babies have it, animals have it, husbands and wives and parents have it. We get over it by TELLING OURSELVES THAT WE HAVE TO, or suffer the consequences. You can't have everything you want in life. Some things take a lot of work, and this is one. So zip your lip, force new thoughts to take the place of old selfish baby whiny ones, and be a man. A real man doesn't need to stroke his ego with a child bride hidden behind a veil, despite thousands of years of such practices in a lot of society.

    Oh - and a real man doesn't care what others are thinking about the woman he loves.

    Good luck
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    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jul 8, 2014, 03:02 PM
    Thanks for replying.
    HE(her ex) isn't the saint.. She is from a religious group lead by some saint that they both follow and their families etc.
    And I don't plan to lose her. That's exactly why I need help with this retro-active jealousy.

    And you did point it right.. It majorly bothers what other people think about the woman I love and it does bother what they think of me now.

    And she isn't with him because he broke up? Though she says they both met up to break-up he was the one who mentioned it first . And people think he broke up because he fell for some other girl. My major issue is people don't even know and think crap about her. And about me now.

    Also, I don't know what to do with the photos online. It bothers me. To see his face with her. Even though its not just both of them ever. She said she broke up with him in feb and was hardly in touch with him for 6months before they completely officially broke-up but this pic is from jan of the same year.. just some weeks before they broke up they were at a party together. So I don't know what to believe.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,015, Reputation: 7676
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    #4

    Jul 9, 2014, 12:01 AM


    OK, you have a unhealthy mental health issue and need professional help.. sorry, this is your issue not hers. She could and have a right to keep her past photo of her, even on her Facebook,

    So,, stop using Facebook if it bothers you.. or unfriend all of her friends, so you don't see it.

    Stop using the tagging feature.

    She was with someone, and even if she sleep with him, it was before you.

    You have no right to even ask or know about her past... if she knows how obsessed you are, she may even lie to you, ( more unhealthy) for fear of your reactions.

    You will soon break up with her, at this rate
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    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jul 9, 2014, 12:05 AM
    Hello,
    I am pretty aware this is my issue and not hers that's why posted in personal growth.
    I need to figure out help how to get over retro active jealousy.
    I know that I have the issue and will lose her if it goes on. And I know all the things people have said here about me. But no one has actually given any solution.
    Also, She didn't put the photo up. It was some other friend and tagged them. Im just not comfortable seeing them and I did consider deleting her friends.
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    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jul 9, 2014, 09:20 AM
    Retroactive jealousy and insecurity. How to overcome?
    I know the issue is mine and if I don't do something about myself I may push her away and I don't want to do that. Hence, need help to overcome this rather than be told that I am at fault. How to correct it or what do I do to overcome it?
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    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,494, Reputation: 2851
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    #7

    Jul 9, 2014, 09:49 AM
    First... your aren't over each others pasts... or there would be no jealousy. In fact you go on and on about her past proving you aren't over it at all.

    At least you recognise this jealousy is a problem (which is a good first step), and know there is no possible way to change other peoples minds... in fact if you even try.. it only reinforces their beliefs. THe other part you NEED to deal with is her past is her past... its not yours to dwell over, comment on, or try to change... because it's the past... and what's done is done and can't ever be changed. YOu simply have to accept it as it being what is... and what was.

    You only have a influence in what will be. And maybe not all that much at that.

    Stop thinking about her past... completely... block it out... if you have a lot of time to be dwelling over it all the time... you need more to do in your spare time... like a full time job... if you have one.. maybe a second part time job or a hobby that occupies your mind... if you can break the pattern that always brings you back to dwelling over the same stuff... the longer you can occupy yourself so you don't have time to think about it... the more likely you will be to stop doing it... and once you stop doing it... your jealousy issue might go away.

    As you probibly know.. jealousy is not an endearing trait... it stops beign cute at about 16. Reason enough to remember its somethig to work on, as a self improvement project.

    Also.. its a really bad idea to expect her to get rid of all her old photos of friends and stuff. Its her past... everyones past is important to them, and at some point she is going to want to look back at them and they won't be there so she will feel resentment in being pressured to get rid of them by you.

    And also.. if anyone thought she had sex with someone else before? So what? She's 25, statitically assuming any random 25 year old you meet has had sex with someone else at some point in their life... would have you on the winning side of the bet... almost all the time.

    Give that some thought and it shed light on why its crazy to expect anyone to assume otherwise. If she was 15 then the reverse would be true most of the time.

    Try this experiment one day... imagine every couple you know or meet having sex... before the morning is over you will likely be numb to the very thing that's bothered you so much before.

    And if that isn't enough... she will eventually tire of it... and it very likely would ruin the relationship in the near future... could be next week, could be next month.. might even be next year... but at some point its going to make a mess of things.
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    praaji's Avatar
    praaji Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jul 9, 2014, 11:16 AM
    Thank you so much smoothy.
    I really appreciate your help.
    Btw, she had gotten rid of all of her ex's photos before I even met her. She said it was what she wanted to do and she did it (my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her why she did) . She always gets upset when I talk about her past because she says she has left it so far behind and me talking about it reminds her about it too and she doesn't want to as its something that's not important to her at all.
    I agree I am not over her past that's why I know I am retroactive jealous . And the only reason I am not over it is because I have met these few stupid teenager people that knew of her and her ex and came and told me that ohhh do you know she was sad about her breakup etc and all this when they don't even know her. So makes me feel that it means they heard of it from someone else , means others also think the same about her and now think I am a replacement as he didn't want to be with her as he liked someone else.
    Basically it is some insecurity problem I think. That I get affected what people think of her and of me and it gets to me.
    I don't tend to think about this usually. Actually I never think of it on my own. It comes to my head either because some stupid friend says something about her past to me or if some friend of hers adds me on Facebook and I go through their pictures and he is there in some old album since the time they were together and they would be tagged in it. She doesn't even have it on her wall or account , she doesn't even have him as a friend (she had sent him a friend request after they broke up, but he only accepted it almost a year later after he found out that she didn't want to get back with him and had moved on and was dating me because they had to meet once because of some issue he created) . And she deleted him as soon as he did because she wasn't interested in any of that anymore and didn't want any association with him. I really appreciate my girlfriend for making me feel secure and I know in a million years she wouldn't cheat on me or leave me and neither would I.. I just can't take what people talk and think about me and her. Sometimes I feel like leaving everything and going with her to some different country and settling. So no past stories or gossip is around.
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    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,494, Reputation: 2851
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    #9

    Jul 9, 2014, 11:28 AM
    You can't escape her past any more than you can yours... it will be there no matter where you go.

    That's what you have to come to terms with it and accept it. There really is no alternative. You have no choice.

    The only alternative is becoming a very lonely old man because every women you will ever meet has a past of some sort.
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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,594, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #10

    Jul 9, 2014, 11:32 AM
    NO ONE HAS GIVEN YOU A SOLUTION??

    What am I, a potted plant? You want something you can order online? I'll say it again:
    How do you get over it? The same way all of us do, because jealousy is natural. Little babies have it, animals have it, husbands and wives and parents have it. We get over it by TELLING OURSELVES THAT WE HAVE TO, or suffer the consequences. You can't have everything you want in life. Some things take a lot of work, and this is one. So zip your lip, force new thoughts to take the place of old selfish baby whiny ones, and be a man. A real man doesn't need to stroke his ego with a child bride hidden behind a veil, despite thousands of years of such practices in a lot of society.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,382, Reputation: 10832
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    #11

    Jul 9, 2014, 12:10 PM
    You are making way too much of this my friend and the way I see it is you probably are too sensitive to what others say, or don't know how to deal with what others say and do. It probably goes back to how you feel about yourself and how you react to others.

    A strategy to deal with the people, like simply saying so what, or what does your blather have to do with me will diffuse most encounters with busy bodies or no nothing gossipers and staying off Facebook so much would also go along way to alleviating your discomfort. Imean if you know something makes you uncomfortable,why are you doing it to yourself? That's pretty self defeating isn't it, so change your actions, and it will change your thoughts eventually.

    You have admitted that you only have those thoughts and feelings when you see pictures or hear gossip so eliminate them oth and keep a perspective to keep you healthy. You won't fix yourself in a week, days,or even months, because it's a constant effort over time so be patient and keep working on your own flaws one day at a time. I still work on not letting people, places and things NOT push my button and ruin my happiness, and we all do I think. Start your day with gratitude for the good thing you have and see the negative things you encounter as temporary and will pass. Let those awkward uncomfortable feelings pass and don't dwell on them as you learn to keep a healthy distance between negative things and stupid people.

    Examine why you even care what anybody but your girl thinks? Why even air this with her, and just bring you both down? Those are things you can control so be grateful she has put up with this crap, and shut up about it. Share the good and positive and leave that other crap under the rock it comes from. There are no quick easy fixes to our flaws, just constant working on it, and not letting our flaws and discomforts affect the good parts of our life we enjoy.

    Keep your head up, mouth closed, and stay off Facebook. That would be a good start and you have to start somewhere.
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