So I have been coming back and forth here for a few years now... Love to see so many of the old faces and so many new!

I have recently turned back to this site #1 because I have been having some issues of my own and have wanted to rant about them but that leads me to #2 because everyone else's issues seem to distract me and give me perspective of my own.. even if they are not related =)

So yeah while I feel like I can give decent advise to others about relationships... I don't seem to hold up so well in my own relationships.

I have found myself to be insecure, emotional, immature, dramatic, and just overall figuring out that I am not as mature as I usually think myself to be.. Fortunately I also have another problem that I don't communicate well so the guy I am seeing really has no idea that I have been going through all this, it has been a silent battle within myself... which I am glad I have at least kept myself in check, but it is frustrating that I am a 27 y/o woman (still feels weird to say that) and I just really want a functional, long lasting relationship.

I have been dating a guy now for about 3 months. We met online and talked for about 5 months before ever meeting, but when we did meet things moved fast. I had my first gut reaction that he was just wanting sex and I was about to abandon the whole relationship but he has done things that say that is not what he is looking for. Then I had a fear that maybe he had other girls he was 'dating' (as we had not discussed our status) so one drunken night I got emotional and blabbered about wanting a serious relationship... he was like OK, well we are not going to figure things out while you are drunk, so lets go to my place, have some great sex then talk about it in the morning... unfortunately this did not hit me well in my state of mind and I left with my friends who forced me not to answer his calls... anyway we moved on from there when I finally talked to him sober I only meant to clarify that we were significant. He reassured me I am the only girl he is having sex with or even talking to.

whew I see this getting long quick if I try to voice it all out.. so anyway, he is pretty much an awesome guy. He has cooked for me at his place, my place, he has let me drag him to my friends parties (which he is understandably only tolerant of), and he has sacrificed going to his friends party to stay sober and make it to my Halloween party- basically he has not shown any reason to think this is just a fling to him, but I still have my insecurities. Even after getting into another drunk argument of which neither of us remember what he said, but I didn't like it and walked away as he continued to be a , but the next day the reason he got pissed was because I walked away with no response and he never got to figure out what he had said wrong or how to fix it... so we reconciled that I was stubborn, he was a jerk but it wasn't that big of a deal.

Well last Friday I had been snooping on his face book to back when we first met (again showing my insecurity) but it turned out some girl had been telling him she missed him, loved him, enjoyed our late chat etc 2 weeks before we met in person (during which we had been talking a lot via email and phone so we weren't anything serious, but it seemed like he had been talking to other girls at that point.) well I decided I had to let it go because it was before we ever started hanging out and unless I was willing to bring it up and cause him to see I was insecure enough to look at his past face book stuff and dig things up. So I decided I was just going to let it go and see if anything new ever came up. (especially since it has now been 3 months and she has not said anything else, though they are still friends)... well that same night I went to his place to help him pack for his trip home and then drive him to the airport in the morning... well his room is tiny and he has stuff all over but at some point I was picking clothes off the floor and found some panties... I knew immediately they were not mine and it hit me straight in the gut that here I was trying to forget about this other girl, but maybe she really was still in his life.

I put them on the bed and when he finally saw them he picked them up. I just said 'not mine' and he got a really confused look, and asked where they were... I said on the floor... trying my best to not sound angry and just see where it went. He looked at me and I just shrugged... he still looked shocked and confused but threw them away and I could tell he was uncomfortable probably waiting for me to get pissed and say something but I let it go because I didn't want to over react or say something stupid. Later as we were going to sleep I brought it up and said... so I have to ask, have you slept with anyone since we have been together? He was like no, I don't know they could have come out of the basket (which he had dug into moments before I found them, and had even commented that he hadn't been through that basket in a year -hand wash stuff he hadn't gotten to). He said he had been seeing someone earlier in the year but that he was really sorry I had to see them. He was sympathetic, seemed sincere and I believed him, and 95% of the time believe him as he has not done anything else to make me think otherwise... I know it is just my insecurity taking over...

So he has been gone since- returning in 3 days. I have tried to get my mind straight and stop feeling so insecure but its so hard. He is handsome, fit, funny, successful, extremely smart, confident, he makes all the other stress I go through at work disappear when I am with him and just basically he's the best thing I have had in a long time, if not ever. But I have let myself get overweight again, I have struggled very hard at work and I am now transferring to another facility because I failed a test and decided I didn't want to deal with that work anymore. I have a really good life otherwise.. great roommates, still have a job... but I am like stuck in this self pitying, excuses to not do things, procrastinating self... Every day I think about the things I should be doing with my free time to fix what I am not happy about with myself (namely my lack of physical fitness, which I used to love). And so sometimes I can't figure out why he is with me.. he has many pretty girls on his friends list and he goes out often so its so hard for me to believe I am the only one he talks to. I try to think of the positive stuff he may like about me... I know I do portray myself as much more mature than I feel inside. I have a well respected job (even despite moving facilities), I have a nice car, savings... I guess on the outside I look like I have my life together but on the inside I have been struggling for over a year.


Whew wow OK its late.. I have rambled SO much... anyone else out there with insomnia enough to read this? I guess I don't really have a specific question, just more so advice, opinions... thank you for taking the time :o

Ok, 3 months.. You can't say much to him about other girls, panties, not in this short of time. You can focus more on-'you not getting in the way of you' Enjoy your time with him. You will have answers in no time. Your intuition will let you know if there is cause for concern.
You do know, that to be able to have true feelings for another, or receive, you are to first have love and respect for yourself.

Often times insecurities comes from a lack of self-esteem.

Try reading some of these recommended books: The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews

"hes the best thing I have had in a long time, if not ever. "

This is all you need to remember for now.

The panties were probably from before you two got together, so try to get past that.

Sometimes we don't enjoy the wonderful things that we have, trying to over-examine things that we feel are "to good to be true". You will make yourself miserable if you live life like this.

Sit back and enjoy the ride.

It sounds like alcohol may be an issue in your life, so watch it for sure.

You want a relationship? Does he? If so, then just let it happen.

It sounds like you have truly been blessed, so enjoy it.

There are no "guarantees" in love, just blind hope and faith.

I hope you can let go of these negative thoughts, and just be happy.

Good luck to you.

Thank you everyone for your support =) I looked back at some of my older posts and laughed when 2 of them started very identical to this one... I am seeing a trend that I don't like. I usually have confidence in myself, but I think maybe I have been confusing confidence with self esteem... because yes I have been struggling with that much more lately. I can definitely be hard on myself a lot of the time and I am seeing now that I become more insecure when I am entering a relationship.

I have known I have relationship issues- I have not had a relationship last over a year... which really sucks. My parents were very dysfunctional and I don't think I have ever really learned how to communicate properly with a partner... either way, thank you for your input!

Oh and as for the alcohol... yes I have also noticed I tend to turn to it, so I have been steering away and just trying to focus on dealing with my thoughts instead of drowning them.

I really need to get back into exercising since that always helps clear the mind, gives me confidence and helps me sleep better. I have just gotten to a point that I keep putting it off waiting for the 'right time'... and I know there is no 'right time'. That is another frustrating with myself... I know all the things I need and should do to get myself on track.. I can picture myself being the person I want to be, but instead of doing something about it I come on here and piddle around or play games... OK well I will hope that my voicing all of this publicly will push me to just get my act together. I don't have time to check that link right now I Wish, but I definitely will on my next break (I'm at work)...

s2tp, this might be harsh but I got to speak it out.. for me a serious relationship begins elsehow, first of all when you decide to begin sth do it right or don't do it at all ask the other person staight ahead for things that seem to interest you like previous relationships, girls he still meets, etc. I could tell you that he wants you and all of these that you describe are due to your personal frustration just to boost yourself esteem up but I'm going to do that since its very simplistic. Instead, don't try to explain his behavior by believing that it is all because of you. You don't know this guy yet that much.so don't generalize your feelings if you get me. Its just the beginning. And try to stay sober when your with him since if you re not you getting dramatic to him. And gosh.. u found sth.. talk about it immediatelly, don't just wait. Resolve your issues by being straight to him. And since he met you online.. he 's probably done it before or even he still does it. But you can fight back.. something's are better left unsaid. Don't give I'm the world if your not determinded that he deserves it.. keep something's for yourself.. and appear as to be more confident than he is. For me, and according your statements he's not mr perfect, he should have some weaknesses.. all of us have. And pay much more attention to sex. Don't give it to him that easily he won't appreciate it. Hope I helped to an extend

Can someone translate this?

I had a rough time deciphering that one as well jm.. but the effort was there... =)

I pick him up tomorrow at the airport... I have been trying to get a new view of the situation and backing off on trying to have all the answers right away. I know my pattern of rushing things is not going to work. I am going to try and focus more on myself and boosting myself esteem... which I am still coming to terms that I have possibly been telling myself I am fine with, but in all reality I think I do have a low self esteem. In all honesty I shouldn't. I get flirted with and hit on often enough to know I attract a good number of men and I am complimented often by family, friends and sometimes strangers... but unless it is a guy I am into I brush them all off as fake compliments... I don't really take them to heart and I just feel like people say them because compliments make others happy and that they don't really mean them. But let a guy I am into say one good thing about me and I soak it in.

I am one of those girls that is relatively tough on the outside... I don't show much anger or emotion and it frustrates me more if I cannot control it. I tend to try and hide the hurt and anger others may cause and just let things go- I would rather forgive than seek revenge. My guy has even commented that I am a lover not a fighter... which when a guy can see that about me it makes me like them even more for being able to see past my shell.

so the guy situation feels weird tonight. The first 2 nights he was gone we didn't talk much- which was fine with me, I was trying to get my emotions under control. Then the next 3 nights he called me drunk and we had some hilarious conversations. He would call in me in the morning and we would talk some more when he was actually sober. It made me feel good that even though he was back home in his realm and caught up with the whole world series stuff that he was still thinking about me when going to bed and waking up... Then after having a teasing conversation via txt message 2 days ago I have not heard from him except when prompting him for info on an upcoming event we may go to. I can tell right now as I am typing this that I am falling back into my... what would you call it... worrying mode? Maybe I am seeking more attention? Haha I guess I should try and see a psychologist if I really want to get all my behaviors diagnosed and fixed, tuned up, whatever... but I enjoy the different points of views here.

In the meantime I am going to dig out some old books I have started and not finished. One being 'Get out of your mind and into your life'. I enjoyed it immensely as I was dealing with my parents ugly break up (which is still ongoing and ominous). But the book requires a lot of inward thinking and self help projects. I need to start somewhere though...

well this is another ramble of words that I may just delete after a read over, but thank you for taking the time..

Uhuh.. because yours was better dude...

I heard a story where some people get insecure about their perfect life. They have everything, but yet they feel guilty and feel that there's something wrong that things are too perfect in their life.
s2tp, just enjoy your life and remember there's nothing wrong in your life.
However, I do sense that you and your boyfriend may have functional alcoholism (don't drink at work, but drink too much still). Sometimes the after affect of drinking is what you describe as "insecure, emotional, immature, dramatic, and..." You've also mention about drunken outbursts by both you and your boyfriend at times. If I am wrong, then I am sorry, but I think it maybe good idea to check.

Thank you for the concern 2nd time. We have been doing fine. I took the advice above and have just chilled out about it all. It has helped that I have friends in town this week and hanging out with them has been giving me new perspective on the whole situation. My boyfriend and I have only had those 2 alcohol-related conversations 2 times out of the past 3-4 months and we do not always drink... in fact we haven't been drinking around each other much at all lately, which has been nice.

"don't drink at work, but drink too much still" I certainly do not drink at work and I would get into a lot of trouble, even possibly lose my job if I came into work under any affects of alcohol- so that is definitely not an issue. I always make sure I am 100% when I go to work, so the drinking does not affect my work- it just contributed to arguments..

Thank you again everyone for your advice.