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    IamMeyouAreyou's Avatar
    IamMeyouAreyou Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #41

    Mar 3, 2010, 07:54 PM

    Agreed with ktiger
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,894, Reputation: 5430
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    #42

    Mar 3, 2010, 08:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by neverme View Post
    Well I stand corrected! :)
    We weren't correcting you at all, but just explaining the difference between envy and jealousy. Most people don't know there's a difference.
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    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #43

    Mar 4, 2010, 03:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    We weren't correcting you at all, but just explaining the difference between envy and jealousy. Most people don't know there's a difference.
    No you two were right, must have had a brain fart as I do know the difference but it just wouldn't come to me the exact word that I wanted. Bad English major! Bad! :p
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #44

    Mar 30, 2010, 12:49 AM
    Discussion continued?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #45

    May 4, 2010, 08:54 AM

    I felt the need to give this thread a push since rebounds has been a common topic as of late.

    I was thinking Clough. I think rebounds greatly contributes to one's need for intimacy. When we're in a relationship, we create an emotional and physical attachment to another person. When the relationship breaks down, there's an emotional and physical void. Some people feel the need to instantly fill that voids; thus, rebounds.

    This probably doesn't explain all the situations, but it seems to be a common occurrence.

    There's nothing wrong with wanting someone to be part of our lives. But if we can't find happy by ourselves first, then basically completely depending on another person for happiness. It's like forgetting how to stand on your own and you constantly need another person to lean on to stand up straight.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #46

    May 4, 2010, 11:24 AM
    Do you think that codependency would be more likely to then occur because of there being a rebound, I wish?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #47

    May 4, 2010, 11:35 AM

    This might be a stretch, but being in a relationship is almost like a drug. We get hooked to the "feeling". For those who have not been in a relationship, they might not have the same intensity of "feeling" as those who have already been in a relationship.

    Once we've experienced that "feeling", some might want to consistently have that feelings; thus, chronic daters and rebounding.

    Again, this only explains some of the cases of the need/want for codependancy. There are always the people who are very content with their single life, even after a break up.

    But I still believe that it's embeded in us from when we are born. Every person is unique. Every person has different wants and needs, which I feel are very biological.

    I gave the metaphor of our favorite color. The same goes for food. How do we explain why a certain food is our favorite food? I believe that it's a biological answer and not by choice.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #48

    May 4, 2010, 09:42 PM
    Maybe the old phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" doesn't have merit for everyone?

    Years ago, when I was in an intimate relationship, it was very much like a drug. True love was there, but the emotional turmoil left my mind cloudy. We were dependent on one another to the extent that I would call it codependency. It was not the most healthy of relationships because of the codependency. We both really needed to be who and what we were without relying on the other person to make each of us who and what we were.

    Since I'm not in that relationship any more, and have gotten "over" it to the extent to see it as it really was, I'm a much happier person.

    The absence of the person in my life hurt for awhile. But, it did wane in time...

    If I ever were to get together on intimate terms with that person again, it would be on much different terms because of the growth in maturity, knowledge and understanding.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #49

    Jul 20, 2010, 07:56 AM

    I made this thread a sticky as it seems to be a popular issue.

    I thought of another factor Clough. As you have been through several romantic relationships, you know the highs and lows of what it consists of. So because of that, you're more comfortable with yourself, as you have seen the other side (i.e. shared your life with someone else).

    Those who haven't gone to the other side or haven't gone enough, can't determine if the grass is actually greener over there. So until people have discovered the truth, it's more difficult to make the assessment on whether a person is more comfortable by themselves or wanting to share their life with another person.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #50

    Jul 22, 2010, 02:10 AM
    Hey thanks, I wish! :)
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    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #51

    Jul 22, 2010, 05:53 AM

    Maybe this is the wrong thread, maybe this has already been covered, but... I have to get this out there.

    I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum here. I have absolutely no motivation to try to get into a relationship. I love being single, love being free to do whatever I want, and don't have an ounce of desire for companionship.

    It's almost an anomaly here, a guy who just cares nothing about being with a significant other. I am so focused on my career, school and the next personal step of gratification that I rarely think about being in a relationship. How many others are anything like me? Don't get me wrong, it is a goal of mine to have a family and such, but I haven't even been tempted to really act on that. I am open, of course, for a relationship IF I ran into the right person, but it isn't something I actively pursue.

    I feel like the clock is ticking. I'm getting older and people around me are starting to get married. Not one of my friends is anything like me (relationship wise), so I sometimes come off as abnormal. It's a precarious situation to be in, and a very interesting thought process to have. Are there others like this (I'm sure there are)? Can anyone relate?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #52

    Jul 22, 2010, 07:22 AM

    Hey KC,

    I think that you should go with whatever works best for you. You situation is exactly the topic of discussion in this thread.

    As humans, I think that we all, at some point in our lives, do some exploring to find ourselves. But at the end of the day, after all that experimenting, what we're really looking for is our own personal comfort zone and peace with ourselves.

    If you found that, then props to you! But that doesn't mean that our or your comfort zone is set and stone. It can change over time. For example, in your situation, you say that you're currently very happy with yourself, but maybe one day you will be more interested in having a family of your own or maybe not.

    What counts is how you feel now. I think that if you're more comfortable with yourself now, then you are better prepared for what may or may not lie ahead.
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #53

    Jul 22, 2010, 11:13 AM
    I think that you and I share some of the same thoughts and feelings concerning intimate relationships, kctiger!
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    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #54

    Jul 22, 2010, 03:13 PM

    KC, I was exactly like you.

    I dated, but most times it wasn't exclusive, and frankly, most of the guys I did date exlusively, if they just up and disappeared, I probably wouldn't have even noticed, or cared.

    I never actively pursued a relationship. Actually, I never planned on getting serious with anyone, or getting married. Kids, you, but I didn't need a husband for that, and I was pretty determined that I'd never have one of those.

    Than along came hubby. I had just gotten out of a "relationship" and I had planned to play the singles scene again. Go out, have fun, do what I want when I want with whoever I want.

    A friend of a friend was having a birthday and my friend convinced me to go to the club where it was being held. I really didn't feel like it, but last minute I decided to go, had nothing better to do.

    Well that's the night I met hubby. At first it was a bit of a game. The birthday girl (whom I didn't really like) was all over him, flirting her little heart out. I was 19, pretty darn cute, and bored out of my mind, so I decided to step in, see if I could "steal" him away. It turned out that it wasn't that hard.

    The rest is history. We've been together ever since, and that was 20 years ago.

    Still, even after 1 year together, when I realized that I really liked being with him, hanging out with him, everything, I still didn't think that I'd marry him.

    Go figure. Little bugger snuck up on me and I didn't see it coming. ;)
    bleusong52's Avatar
    bleusong52 Posts: 239, Reputation: 46
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    #55

    Jul 26, 2010, 09:50 PM

    If intimacy is defined as a sexual nature, then no, it is not something everyone has to have or needs. But I do think that there is an intimacy of a deep friendship that all do need. I wish I had understood that when I was younger.
    lonely2010's Avatar
    lonely2010 Posts: 58, Reputation: 4
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    #56

    Aug 17, 2010, 02:35 AM

    Intimate friends r one part of our life, but not all.
    Sometimes we need to share things with friends, and sometimes we need our own space..
    Wats more, when we need close ones, the key is we have few ones who really hard to find.
    Right?
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #57

    Aug 19, 2010, 12:39 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lonely2010 View Post
    intimate friends r one part of our life, but not all.
    sometimes we need to share things with friends, and sometimes we need our own space..
    wats more, when we need close ones, the key is we have few ones who really hard to find.
    right?
    Some friends are "winter" friends and others are the "summer" kinds of friends...
    martinizing2's Avatar
    martinizing2 Posts: 1,868, Reputation: 819
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    #58

    Aug 19, 2010, 04:47 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by kctiger View Post
    Maybe this is the wrong thread, maybe this has already been covered, but...I have to get this out there.

    I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum here. I have absolutely no motivation to try to get into a relationship. I love being single, love being free to do whatever I want, and don't have an ounce of desire for companionship.

    It's almost an anomaly here, a guy who just cares nothing about being with a significant other. I am so focused on my career, school and the next personal step of gratification that I rarely think about being in a relationship. How many others are anything like me? Don't get me wrong, it is a goal of mine to have a family and such, but I haven't even been tempted to really act on that. I am open, of course, for a relationship IF I ran into the right person, but it isn't something I actively pursue.

    I feel like the clock is ticking. I'm getting older and people around me are starting to get married. Not one of my friends is anything like me (relationship wise), so I sometimes come off as abnormal. It's a precarious situation to be in, and a very interesting thought process to have. Are there others like this (I'm sure there are)? Can anyone relate?
    I do.
    But I did it just the opposite.
    I was married twice. First time I was 17. TOO dumb to know I didn't know everything. But I thought I did and didn't listen to anybody.
    Got married and made a mess of it like most young dumb know-it-alls.

    Several years later I got married again. Did well for 11 years. Didn't make it to 12.

    After the divorce I concentrated on raising my youngest(7 yr old) son. I had custody and was a single parent.
    When he moved out I quit the job I had I hated and started doing what I loved to do.

    I ran rivers and took tours down the Colorado, The Green, The Yampa, in the summer, and worked on construction projects at Park City and Deer Valley in the winter.
    These are not "family" jobs. When I was running rivers there were essentially two or three days off a month, I was gone from April to October. You can't do that with a family to raise and support.

    With the freedom that I have had I haven't missed or desired to be in an intimate relationship.

    I do have female friends that are close and have been for a long time. But there is no commitment. We enjoy each others company and spend time together when we can.

    I love this freedom .
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #59

    Aug 19, 2010, 07:12 AM

    Trying to balance things out.

    Remember, it's not a competition, we're not trying to be as independent as possible. What we really want is to find our own comfort zone. If that means sharing our lives with someone else, then go for it. If that means you prefer more freedom, then go for it.

    However, I do think that it's really important to be able to find happiness without oneself. By depending on another person or other people to give you happiness, it's shifting the burden on the other person. That's setting yourself for disappoinment, because you're basically putting your happiness into someone else's hands and less control for yourself.
    Bluerose's Avatar
    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #60

    Aug 21, 2010, 09:56 AM
    The most important relationship we have is with ourselves.
    Leaning on or depending on others too much can cause problems for a relationship. Being able to stand on our own two feet is really all the independence we need.

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