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    Heartache

    Asked Nov 26, 2013, 10:21 AM — 11 Answers
    Hi, very very sad over breakup that had no closure three years ago. Have moved on and am married now, but still the ex-fiance creeps into thoughts and don't know how to resolve this. I've heard writing a letter is good, whether it's sent or not. Any good techniques? Tired of crying and need to give full attention to new husband, new house, and new life.

    Last edited by talaniman; Nov 26, 2013 at 11:59 AM.
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    11 Answers
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,315, Reputation: 2917
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    #2

    Nov 26, 2013, 10:35 AM
    Yes to the letter, unsent! Write it as many times as you want. Please, keep it secret. I'm not one for telling a spouse every single thing in your life.

    Three emotions hamper getting over someone, and sadness isn't one. The first one is hurt; the second anger. Anger almost always follows hurt. We get angry at people we love as a protection against the horrible hurt. It's healthy, as long as you get it out and get rid of it.
    The third, guilt, isn't really an emotion so much as a hodge podge of feelings that grow all out of proportion. But if he left you, and did it suddenly and/or cruelly, then I suspect that you are suffering from hurt and anger. Let it out! Hide the final draft away for months and then tear it into tiny pieces, and litter the streets out your car window. Just a little act of defiance.
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    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,394, Reputation: 5391
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    #3

    Nov 26, 2013, 11:08 AM
    I almost totally agree with joypulv, but would carefully BURN any secret letters you've written and kept, and not throw them out of the car window. Burning them will totally destroy them. And --there's enough litter on the streets without adding to it. But joy's advice is exactly right. Do not communicate with the ex and do not talk about this with your husband. This is YOUR mountain to climb over. (or valley to climb out of).

    Please talk more to us if you have additional questions. We've all been through this, and we know how you are hurting. It's so hard to get past a breakup that had no closure.
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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,315, Reputation: 2917
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    #4

    Nov 26, 2013, 11:20 AM
    I was going to say burn... something about the idea of tossing the pieces to the wind made me feel better though. Oh well, burn them, sigh. It's all symbolic anyway.

    How about off a boat or ocean dock? You could even plant them under a Venus fly trap. Or write the final draft on tissue paper and flush one piece a day down the toilet. Or sew it into the lining of an old flannel shirt and give it to a homeless person... just thinking about ways might be 'fun' or cathartic.
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    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,394, Reputation: 5391
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    #5

    Nov 26, 2013, 11:26 AM
    How about going out into a wooded area (be careful about protected areas) and burying each little ripped-up piece and then stomping on it? I like joy's other cathartic ideas too. And yes, the more "fun" you can put into the disposal of any of these secret and unsent letters, the calmer and freer your mind will become about what had happened (or didn't happen).
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    Chiron's Avatar
    Chiron Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Nov 26, 2013, 01:40 PM
    Thanks everyone. It was around four years ago now that we reconnected. He dumped me once and we didn't talk for over two years. Dislike the holidays a lot. Just me and my husband. No family at all and no friends. Very sad. Hubby and I have our own issues, and ex fiancé creeping into thoughts throw me right into depression. I just want a true apology. But, he's so odd that when he dumped me, he deleted all emails, YouTube accounts and flickr. Now I see that he's even selling his business. He's changed his name (reversed first and middle names) and either moved or made his house unlisted. Hubby and I only have each other to lean on and that relationship is having problems too. Not much talking and very very very little sex. Still working on the letter to the ex fiancé. It brings up anger and hurt of course, and husband comes home from work to find me depressed. Now, husband has a new favourite vocalist who looks nearly identical to my ex. Down to the same watch! Very creepy actually. Been a bad weekend all in all.
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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,315, Reputation: 2917
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    #7

    Nov 26, 2013, 02:30 PM
    Now that you bring up your problems with your husband, I worry that you are dwelling on your ex mainly because of your present situation, and this is just compounding the problem.

    Not having family and friends is more often than not very bad for a marriage. Can you explain how that happened?
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #8

    Nov 26, 2013, 04:17 PM
    It is easier to think of a past relationship, when your current relationship is having some difficulty. Problem is, we tend to only imagine what life would have been like, had the first one worked out. Likely you would be picking up his dirty socks too.

    Marriage is very, very hard work. Anyone who has ever had a successful marriage, measured by decades, will tell you that problems, serious problems, happen. Sex wanes, kids get in the way of quality time together, finances and health sometimes take a beating. It is not only all a part of life, but it is something that married couples manage-together. And, if all you have is each other, that bond has to be strong and secure.

    And how to do that? One thing is to let old feelings for lost loves, go. Every time you start thinking about another man, give your head a shake, and remember your vows, and your loyalty and respect for the one you chose to marry. Look and drool if you have to, but leave it at wiping your chin, instead of wiping up the remains of your marriage in divorce court.

    If you are serious about your marriage over the long haul, then get a grip, and make a new promise to yourself, to be devoted heart, mind and soul, to just one man. That means no men from the past, and no men from the future.

    Get into counseling if you are so unhappy that you fear you may stray. Sleeping with another man will not solve any problems. Figure out what the two of you need to do, together, to become stronger, better communicators, so no one is feeling lost.
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    Chiron's Avatar
    Chiron Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Dec 3, 2013, 02:11 PM
    Joypuly, sure. How it happened? We're both mid 40's his parents are deceased. He has no friends and says he doesn't like people. His friends are Facebook friends.. i.e. not real friends. My family and I are estranged for over ten years (major abuse and sexuality issues). I am disabled and cannot work, so have no opportunity to make friends. So no family and no friends. This ex that came to mind lives in Australia, so no worries about anyone straying Jake; not unhappy and no one is going to stray. The holidays are very bad for both of us. Past Thanksgiving hubby went into sad depression missing his family. Cant' do anything about that for him as they are deceased. We don't have anyone we can call to come over for coffee. His disinterest in making friends and my issues with disability make us rather isolated. He's content watching hours upon hours of Will & Grace, Roseanne, Reba, Friends, etc. I'm okay reading books. He works outside the house, I work inside the house. Like an old married couple, we're doing okay. Holiday season is when it hits us both that we only have each other... no friends and no family. That part is sad as we think of the future, not the past. When we get older, who will help us? How can we make friends? Like they say in Sex in the City, "me and you, it's just us two"
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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,315, Reputation: 2917
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    #10

    Dec 3, 2013, 02:31 PM
    ' I am disabled and cannot work, so have no opportunity to make friends. '

    You do have plenty of opportunity. You work around the home, so are mobile to some degree. You write well, so are intelligent and sound personable. The libraries, for starters. I just met a neighbor at the town polling place. At the PO. Through friends on Facebook (turns out a friend of a friend of people I know built the house I own, 43 years ago). Grocery store, animal shelter, an internet 'group' centered around disability or sexual abuse or anything you want.
    It is almost certain doom for two spouses to have no one outside of each other.
    Will you work on it?
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    Chiron's Avatar
    Chiron Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Dec 4, 2013, 07:53 AM
    Hiya Joy, Met hubby in a chorus. I went to specifically make friends and after two years made no friends. Was hired by another chorus for Sundays. Plenty of acquaintances but no friends. Still go to rehearsal Thurs and Sun. Go to the library nearly every day to look for DVDs. Never met anyone there. Groceries every Monday. Since I do go out and am visible, just how does one make friends? That is a detail left out of all the books and advice. Last year, I even took three continuing education classes to meet friends with similar interests. Nothing beyond Hi, how was your day? Facebook does not provide friends and since my bio mother abused me in all ways and even now I have a restraining order against her because she is nosing around, I do need to stay off Facebook. Hubby thinks it's okay to do Facebook while we're trying to watch TV in the evenings. NONE of those "friends" have phoned and none even came to our wedding. Odd that these so called friends live within 75 miles of us but can't be bothered beyond the internet. There are no support groups in my area for my disabilities so that's out. So truly, how does one make friends? As I said, library, grocery store all the time. Have actually phoned suicide hotlines just to talk with someone, though there is no threat of suicide. Getting together with groups which share similar interests hasn't panned out in over two years. Virtual penpals aren't a substitute for in-the-flesh friends. Suggestions? Anyone?
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    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,394, Reputation: 5391
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    #12

    Dec 4, 2013, 08:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Chiron View Post
    Suggestions? Anyone?
    Is there a book discussion group or writers' group at your library? No? Start one. One of the reference librarians or the director will help -- or I will help, if you wish.

    Do you ask an acquaintance to your house or to a restaurant for coffee or to go out for lunch? OR do you wait for the other person to extend an invitation?

    Would you be willing to tell us the area or even just the state you live in? Is it mostly rural where you are or a small town or near a city?
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