I have self esteem issues, I'm overly insecure, I don't feel like I love myself
Asked Dec 19, 2007, 12:06 PM
I'm 19. I've always been a very insecure girl. Maybe because my mom's insecure, and she always has overprotected me (I still live with my parents). I missed out on a lot of things when I was a kid. Also during high school. I did well at school, but wasn't the top student. I also was shy always. Never had luck with the boys... they always went for my friends. I was never considered pretty, and that's my biggest hang up. I was bit promiscuous during my late teens; I hooked up with guys who were sweet to me and told me I was pretty because they made me feel special (no sex though, and some of them were strangers... I'm not proud, trust me).
I consider myself average in everything I do, I fail to consider myself truly special (I rarely do on good days). I'm not depressed, I quite enjoy my life. However, I give such importance to my appearance... more since I have a boyfriend (my first and only boyfriend ever).
I've been with him for 1 year and 4 months. Our relationship's great, we love each other very much. He knows I'm quite insecure and every time I get insecure he tries to reassure sme. I rarely show him this weakness though, and keep it to myself. I know he loves me and is amazed by my talents (I draw, paint, write, play guitar and write songs... ). He especially likes my musical talents as he plays guitar and writes songs himself. I just see these as things I do and common, nothing special really.
He says he finds me sexy. He says he met me because I caught his eye. We have a good sex life (I lost my virginity to him). He says I'm beautiful, and sexy, and that I shouldn't be insecure. But I am. I need help. His compliments don't sink in. And I can't believe that he finds me sexy if he watches cam girl's videos on Youtube, or admits crushes on busty celebrities.
I know if I had confidence in myself this wouldn't be eating me inside. And it's not his fault. I just don't understand it, because I'm rarely attracted to other guys. But he likes lots of this girls. I wish I was like those girls who don't care if their boyfriends watch tons of porn, or go to strip clubs, etc. I wish I was truly confident and could see myself as he supposedly sees me. I want to know what it feels like to love me. I feel normal being me, I don't hate myself. But I want to truly love me and not care so much about my appearance and other perfect girls my boyfriend masturbates to. Now I discovered his subscription to a cam girl's channel on Youtube, and she's absolutely stunning. He doesn't know, and I don't want to discuss my insecurities again, because I really don't want to give him this problem. He already knows I'm insecure!
When I was single I didn't feel all this as strongly. I didn't put myself the "pressure" to be always gorgeous to someone else. He doesn't pressure me to look good all the time. I choose to, because I like being gorgeous and beautiful to him, even if it's hard to believe for me.
Should I go to counselling? I really don't know how to love myself and not care about stupid concerns... :(