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    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
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    #1

    Dec 23, 2014, 09:56 AM
    Guy friend wants to teach me swim
    I have a guy friend, that wanted to teach me how to swim. I never asked him to teach me but once he found out I don't know how, he kept asking me if I want to learn from him. I know he is a good man and should be OK, but still it's kind not proper, is it? Or am I thinking too much? Is it normal to learn swimming from a guy friend?
    Is it innocent if a man insists to teach me swimming in a pool? It will be a public pool at YMCA, but he will be holding me and have physical contact... is it proper with a guy friend? Not that I am doubting him, but I feel that's a bit too much with a guy friend... he might not be that innocent?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Dec 23, 2014, 10:07 AM
    I think this falls into the category of 'it depends on the man.' There's nothing improper per se, and it is safe in the context of the public pool. But we don't know whether this is a totally innocent and friendly wish to have a friend he can swim with in the future, or a way to see you in a bathing suit, and have power over you while you are helpless, and touch you, and stalk you afterward. Or something in between, such as he really just enjoys teaching. If you don't know what kind of guy he is, go with the cautious approach. Just say that you aren't that interested in learning. How often has he asked? 3 times would have me a bit worried, more than 3 times, I'd put a lid on it.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #3

    Dec 23, 2014, 10:46 AM
    Ok, I'm scratching my head here. First, I have to ask where you are located and what is your cultural background. Because I would not think twice about this. If he was offering to teach you to ski or drive a car would you have the same doubts? I really can't see why this would not be proper.

    I would, if I were you, wear a demure batching suit. A one piece that doesn't show any cleavage, etc. But if this is truly a friend, I son't understand what you are afraid of.
    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
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    #4

    Dec 23, 2014, 11:56 AM
    ScottGem,

    I wish someone helps me with driving! I am asian, lol, I need that. I am in the US. I am a bit more conservative due to my culture background, you are correct about it. But swimming is different from driving, bowling, football, shooting etc. it requires certain amount of physical contact.

    I will end up holding him with little clothes on. And he will be topless, so I am not sure if that's proper.

    He is a good guy, I am pretty sure. That's why I don't know what exactly I should do now. I do like to learn how to swim, I am interested.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #5

    Dec 23, 2014, 12:19 PM
    There is nothing improper (in western culture) about such physical contact in a public place. Like I said, you will wear a conservative bathing suit. This will announce to him and anyone watching, that there is nothing of an intimate nature here. Assuming he is a good guy who just wants to be helpful, he will be careful about where he places his hands. If he isn't, then you disengage and take it no further.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Dec 23, 2014, 02:23 PM
    If you have doubts and reservations then don't do it and tell him NO THANKS. You are obviously not comfortable enough with him, or his offer. If he persists then that would be rude, wouldn't it?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #7

    Dec 23, 2014, 02:39 PM
    Let him know that you feel uncomfortable with a male instructor. You can even tell him why. Discuss your concerns with him. If he is a friend, he should be understanding. If you want to learn how to swim, discuss ways for him to give lessons without being hands-on or finding a female instructor/class that would be more comfortable for you.

    Could this be his way of trying to let you know he is interested in strengthening the friendship or more than friendship? You would have to ask him.
    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
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    #8

    Dec 24, 2014, 05:24 PM
    I asked him why he likes to teach me so much...
    He said he wanted to teach me so I can go to the ocean with him, to fish and eat his grilled fish...

    He is interested in dating me, but I don't think it's going to work out. The reason is that, you guys might laugh... he once said that he will never have a wedding, it's a waste of money.

    Do you guys think it's enough reason to not date him?

    I don't mind being single. I am used to it. But a man doesn't even want to have a wedding ( not that I want a big one, but all girls like to have somewhat a celebration, I only want a small one, but no wedding is hard to accept) is such a deal breaker...

    What do you guys think?

    Thanks,
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #9

    Dec 24, 2014, 05:33 PM
    It's a date my gosh, not a screening for a husband! It doesn't have to last forever, just be fun for now. Oh forgot, you have a conservative background so probably can't just have good clean adult fun that's not going to end in marriage.

    Bummer! That's not my idea of being single.

    Talaniman Rule- Date them all! Short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!

    Friends are cool.
    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
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    #10

    Dec 24, 2014, 06:13 PM
    I date, Tal. I date people I see that I have a future with. But I really don't see myself marry someone who does not even want a wedding. It's irresponsible to date someone that I don't want to get married with. I am saving his time, not hurt him at the end.
    Not having a wedding is a deal breaker for me. I am glad he said that before. I don't want to change him or his idea and believe.
    I have been friend with him for a long time, I know he will still be my friend if I don't go out as a date with him. I always pay for mine when we go out, like a friend not date.
    If he doesn't want to be my friend it's okay too, I am honest with him at least and I will tell him why I don't go out with him as more than friends.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,915, Reputation: 10852
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    #11

    Dec 24, 2014, 06:18 PM
    Well that's cool too. Honesty is best. I date to have fun getting to know people, romance sometimes doesn't happen, or didn't last that long and that was cool with me too.

    Different strokes for different folks as they say.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,278, Reputation: 7690
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    #12

    Dec 24, 2014, 07:07 PM
    First the ages, guess what, almost every man, if he is honest, thinks a large wedding is a waste of money. This man is just being honest. Good for him. The others tell you what you want to hear.

    And to be honest, think about it, people spend often a year salary, on one day, a nice memory, but you are not going find as much importance in a large wedding in the West, as you do in Asia. My wedding here in China, cost almost 2 years salary. For one day, to me,the biggest waste of money, much better for a honeymoon trip or to help pay for a house.

    For this, it is just swimming, I worry how you can function in the western society, if you are second guessing a swim date.

    I do understand in Asia, often a second date does not happen, unless you think, you will marry them, and by several more dates, you are almost considered them the future husband. Dating is much more informal in America.
    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
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    #13

    Dec 24, 2014, 08:57 PM
    Fr_Chuck, I start to think you are right, he is honest at least. I can see most men don't want a wedding.
    Why they get married then?
    I don't know overall why people like to get married?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,278, Reputation: 7690
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    #14

    Dec 25, 2014, 03:07 AM
    At least in America, weddings are not happening as much. Many many more couples are just living together. But they get married, many in home weddings, or small weddings. Many at the court house. Some get married for religious reasons, some even tax reasons, others for love. The difference is a wedding does not have to be
    A large costly event, unless you can afford it. In the US, mom and dad are not paying for the weddings
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #15

    Dec 25, 2014, 06:07 AM
    How did we get from swimming lessons to a wedding. Just say know and tell him you would rather learn from a professional at a licensed pool.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #16

    Dec 26, 2014, 09:32 PM
    Rule of thumb- if you are uncomfortable with the idea of being taught how to swim by a man, for what ever reason- it doesn't matter- then do not allow him to teach you how to swim.

    He should not be pushing the issue either, and you have to learn that 'no means no'.

    As far as swimming goes, I think it is important for you to learn. Take classes at the local Y, and learn the basics.

    That way if you're out in a boat with a man you need to get away from in a hurry, you'll know how to swim to shore.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #17

    Dec 26, 2014, 09:38 PM
    He doesn't have to touch you to teach you to swim. There are pool floats, and other devices that you can use in lieu of him holding you up. You can use these devices (a pool noodle, water wings, a life vest, a board, etc) and he can direct you from a few feet away if you feel uncomfortable with him being close by in his swimming gear.

    If you took swimming lessons you'd be in a pool full of people clad in bathing suits, men and women, and you'd be in the same situation.

    I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
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    #18

    Jan 26, 2015, 08:44 PM
    Just an update, he hasn't had a chance to teach me yet, but we are going out now. :)
    Tal, you were right, nothing wrong of going out and learn more abou the person. He was really sincerely hoping to teach me a life skill, a good, honest man.

    I won't ask anyone for dating advice this time, I will follow my heart!
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #19

    Jan 27, 2015, 06:06 AM
    Thank you for the update. Keep following your heart and having fun.

    If you do need us, we will be here. However, if you do, I can hope it is for advice on other subjects because this relationship is working out. :)
    CFZD's Avatar
    CFZD Posts: 385, Reputation: 49
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    #20

    Feb 21, 2015, 02:13 PM
    I have a question now for everyone here. As you know I started to go out with this friend of mine. Things are going well. He used to drink a lot but he has stopped for couple years, until today I found him drinking again. He told me he would never drink but he started again last week and seem to be in a bad mood whole last week.
    I asked him what has happened, he says nothing, just feel like drink. He said he doesn't know why he has a bad mood either. I asked him if everything is OK, anything I can help him with? He said no, it has nothing to do with me.

    I know he used to be an alcoholic, should I do something to help him or just leave him along?

    I am not a needy person, we see each other once a week, he normally likes to talk to me everyday, but since last week, he is changed and acting differently.

    I did ask him if everything is OK, he won't say... so what do I do now?

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