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    jozimay's Avatar
    jozimay Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Oct 7, 2014, 11:39 AM
    Young mom desperate for advice
    Hi I'm new to this whole thing but I'm desperate for some advice.. I'm a 22 year old mom of a 1 year old little boy.. I'm a stay at mom and I am married to a guy who I've been with for 5 years... problem is my husband is very irresponisble and reckless.. he's got bad road rage problems he's verbally abusive to me and even gone as far as to swear at our child , he speeds, drinks and drives and I have to practically beg him to play with our son . I love my son with all my heart and have basically been raising him alone except for his financial input. My parents are very emotionally unsuportive and to make things worse I suffer from bipolar 2 disorder which is controlled with medication. My father is a lawyer but whenever I ask for advice on any level I get shut down and told I'm annoying and to go talk to someone else he doesn't have the time for me.. same with my mother.. they make me feel like the concerns I have are stupid.. My concern is the well being of my son in his dads care and even if I divorced him I still have to have my son see him.. I don't know how much control I have. The relationship my husband and I have isn't healthy because we are always fighting about his behaviour but I'm at least there to protect my son whereas if we got divorced I would not always be. Plus if I take him to court to get him supervised visits I'm worried his lawyer will throw bipolar into the mix and I fear losing my son. Thank you for your help in advance
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert

    Oct 7, 2014, 01:31 PM
    Have you thought about couples counselling? It could be that he doesn't see how serious this is. I have been in and seen relationships where one person see the threat level in the relationship at a 9 and the other at a 4. Couples counselling could be the wake up call to get him to change his ways. I doubt it though. It could be a good last ditch effort to try to save the relationship.

    The first thing, at this point at least, you need to do is protect yourself and protect your son. You're apparently his only guardian in this world. If your husband starts drinking then don't travel with him. Take a taxi or a bus. Call the cops on him. Don't travel with him while drunk and don't let your child either. Document the verbal and mental abuse that you and your son endure. Start disentangling yourself from him, open your bank account and start squireling away some money. Also look at some of the women in need shelters. They might be able to help you as well.

    I feel for you, as a father of a 15mo, I can't fathom this behaviour. Good luck.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member

    Oct 7, 2014, 02:41 PM
    Just to add to what CravenMorhead has said, if you do these things, such as opening a bank account in your name, do so without his knowledge. Or you could slowly give money to a close, and trusted friend to hold onto for you. If you are going to start working towards making an exit from the relationship, it's best that he isn't aware of it as you get things in order. You may want to consider seeking a consultation with a divorce lawyer to learn more about what is involved and ways to prepare and protect yours and your son's interests.

    At a quiet, stressfree time, share your concerns about the safety of your son with your husband, let him know that while you know he would never do anything that might cause harm, the possibility of it frightens you. Mention you concern about how the two of you handle disagreements and bring up the idea of counseling to help you both learn skills to work together for a healthier relationship. Make it something that you both need to work on, not just something that you feel he needs to change. His reaction will let you know whether there may be a chance to change the marriage, and if it is just not going to happen, then at least you will know that you tried. If he shows no interest, and certainly if he becomes hostile over the suggestion, don't bring it up again and focus on what steps you may want to take next.

    If your bipolar is well managed it should be a non-issue.
    Kresaera's Avatar
    Kresaera Posts: 10, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    Nov 8, 2014, 11:26 AM
    Reading your story reminded me of my son's father. When my son was a baby (he's 12 now) his father would get drunk and scream at me, throw beer bottles at me, scream at my son, just act like a child. Unlike you however, we never got married (thankfully). Ultimately I ended up leaving him when my son was around 2. As for the BiPolar diagnosis, as DoulaLC said, as long as it's managed well it shouldn't be an issue at all. Plenty of parents have mental health issues and live their lives daily without concern. I would definitely open a bank account (either in your name, or under your son's name as a guise of saving money for his future in case he finds out) and start saving your get away money. There are places online to find attorneys in your area and a lot of them will do free consultations. Check into that. You don't want your son growing up seeing his father's actions, that will teach him that is how women are to be treated. My son was just 2 when we left his dad and for the longest time any kind of loud noises/violence scared him terribly. Good luck to you =/

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