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    enigmaroxie's Avatar
    enigmaroxie Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 26, 2011, 05:37 PM
    Why is my 18 year old so mean and nasty to me?
    I have a son who just turned 18, and I'm just beside myself because I don't understand why he calls me the nasty names that he does, or why he hates me so damn much. I have always been there for him and supported whatever it was that he was doing.

    He has a girlfriend that is always over, and I really believe that she is moving him like a puppet. She's the same age. They both have graduated from high school and now attending college together. Every time something goes wrong, I can't even talk to my son anymore. Not like before. We have always been close, and now not at all. I'm constantly crying because he calls me the "C" word (that every girl hates) and tells me that I'm a loser, and an odld hag. I'm 49. Not fat, ugly, or whatever.

    Please someone give me a clue as to why and what to do. I feel I can't even approach him to just say hi. He and I live with my father. My father is never here, and I have a boyfriend of 8 years. He and I used to fight like cats and dogs, but have managed to stop that behavior, and all of a sudden my son decided to pick it up.

    What do I do? I'm so very heart broken and need someone to talk to that will listen and not put me down for my mistakes. I am not a bad person, and get along with everyone, so why can't I get along with my son?
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #2

    Nov 26, 2011, 05:51 PM
    I can't imagine what it must be like to have your son treat you so poorly. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. Is there anyway for him to move out? Since it is your father's home, would your father support you in setting down the rules and expectations of behavior if he is going to continue to live there?

    If so, tell your son that you love him dearly, but you simply can not allow him to remain living there if he is going to treat you with such disrespect. Let him know he has a month to find another place to live unless he agrees to make some changes and perhaps attend counseling with you.

    If you know that you may have made some errors in judgement in how he was raised, acknowledge them and let him know that you are trying to make any necessary changes in order to have the type of household where you both feel respected. Let him know that you and your boyfriend made mistakes in how you treated each other and that you would hate to see him think that those behaviors are OK.

    Can you think of any reason for the change in behavior? Could he be involved in drugs? Is this girlfriend generally a decent girl? What are his other friends like? What sort of responsibilities does he have around the house?
    enigmaroxie's Avatar
    enigmaroxie Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 26, 2011, 06:43 PM
    My father won't let me kick him out. My dad has always gotten in the middle of things because he would come home in the middle of something and try putting his two cents in. I would tell my son one thing, and my dad would tell him different. Dad has put son through Sylvan Learning Center, and also helped him with college.

    My son's girlfriend had to transfer to another high school in her 11th grade year. She has told me about the bad things that went on at her other high school, and how she had no friends, and everyone hated her there. Just since my son (Cody) and his girlfriend (Jessica) have gotten out of high school and started college they act like they are the parents and try to tell ME what to do. If things aren't the way Cody wants them, he will turn around and say the meanest things like, I'm a "C", and a loser.

    I haven't worked in 3 years. I was laid off from my 10 1/2 year job, and have been looking. It's not easy for a 49 year old as it is an 18 year old. My son works, but his girlfriends parents own their own business. Cody works there too. He has been given everything on a silver platter and hasn't had to do much around the house. Dad and boyfriend told me long ago to contain Cody, but I guess I was trying to be his friend instead of his MOM.

    He has lots of friends, but Jessica doesn't let Cody have them around like before, and they are all great kid. A few of them are even shocked at the way Cody treats me. I've told him that he needs anger management classes, but he thinks he's above me all of a sudden, and he knows better that the MOM that doesn't work.

    I've always had a job, and keep this house spotless, and even do his laundry. Since this last time with his abuse towards me, I haven't done his laundry, so I think he's probably mad about that too. What should I do? He used to be easy to talk to, but not anymore.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,851, Reputation: 5428
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    #4

    Nov 26, 2011, 07:17 PM
    It's interesting that Cody is doing his level best to control you, and all the while Jessica is doing her level best to control Cody.

    Is there some way to make inroads into Jessica's heart? Teach her something, like how to sew or cook or some hobby that you are good at and she may wish to learn?

    I'm guessing Cody is feeling his oats with independence, is swaggering around with being in college and having a car (?) and a pretty and devoted girlfriend -- plus having a cushy part-time job. He thinks he's a king in his own little kingdom.

    I'm thinking Jessica might be the key to this.
    enigmaroxie's Avatar
    enigmaroxie Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 26, 2011, 10:23 PM
    Wondergirl you hit the nail with the hammer. That is it exactly. Now, we (Cody, Jessica, and I)used to do all kinds of stuff together, but Jessica is driving now, so they don't need anything from me. Cody doesn't have a car yet. I'm certainly not going to get him one. My question is, again, what do I do about this boys mouth, and the way he talks to me. He does act like he is the parent because he has a job. I wish someone would just hand one out to me. He's been handed everything. He used to talk to me, but since Jessica is telling him how to act and feel, he's become very nasty and mean with the name calling and cussing, and he even threw a ceramic plate at me the other day, and still hasn't said sorry, or anything really. I showed him a Mother's Day card that he made me in 2010, and he wrote how much he loved me and how much he appreciated every little thing I did for him. Now, just a year and half later, things are really bad. I sit in my room and just cry all day because he has hurt me so bad. Maybe I need counceling. I don't have the money for that, so just wanted some advice from another person. Thank you for replying to my situation.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,851, Reputation: 5428
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    #6

    Nov 26, 2011, 10:43 PM
    Well, I'm a professional counselor, so will do what I can for you online.

    My first suggestion is not to fall apart and cry and yell back and let them (him) get to you. Yes, it will have to be an Academy Award performance, but I bet you're up to it. Let's figure out how you can respond.

    You see, Cody has turned into a bully. Now, let's also figure out how not be that pathetic, weak thing he is trying to make you out to be.

    Let's get your groove goin', girl!
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #7

    Nov 27, 2011, 03:47 PM
    What is Jessica's response when he behaves that way towards you? Is she aware of his talking to you that way? Do you know if he talks to her in a similar manner when he is angry?
    jenniepepsi's Avatar
    jenniepepsi Posts: 4,042, Reputation: 533
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    #8

    Nov 27, 2011, 09:45 PM
    Wonderful advice from everyone, but I also see a problem with YOUR father. Obviously with an 18 year old son, YOU are an adult. It is time to act like one. No matter what daddy says about it. You should have fixed that a long time ago. I know how hard it is. For the first 5 years of my daughters life I let my own parents govern and dictate EVERYTHING. Now 3 years later things are much better withOUT allowing them to do it.

    You are LETTING your father, and your son, control you and get to you. It is a CHOICe that you are making. And you need to STOP doing so.

    Good luck!
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #9

    Nov 28, 2011, 04:21 AM
    I agree... I can't imagine your father would be pleased or allow your son to speak to you in such a way. He can not undermine you when you are dealing with your son. Have a talk, privately, with your own father and see if you can get him to understand the situation. He may have to learn to bite his tongue or walk away instead of getting involved. It would be nice if he would tell your son that he needs to be respectful in his house, and that includes how he speaks to people and that he backs you up, as long as you are behaving appropriately that is. How do you and your father get along? How do you handle disagreements?

    Were there times you got into it with your son before, when he was younger and experiencing the fighting between you and your boyfriend?
    enigmaroxie's Avatar
    enigmaroxie Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Dec 8, 2011, 09:22 AM
    Well, my dear son is at it again. To DoulaLC, yes my father knows about everything. He has told Cody to stop being this way to me, but the problem is, that Cody only acts like this when no one is around. And, yes, Jessica knows how he talks to me. Here's the real kicker. Jessica calls her mother the "C" word. I'm sure you know what that is. Cody has bitten Jessica on the inside of her arm, leaving a huge bruise. I have no clue what her mother said about it. Jessica and her mother get along, but are very nasty to each other when they are fighting. I really believe that this is why Cody acts like this. He never, ever treated me like this until she came around. And yes, I try all the time to talk with both of them, because I'm usually happy. Whenever I try talking to her, he is very snotty to me. For instance, the other day I tried to show her a funny sweater that dad bought me last year, and she was watching TV, and said to me - "I'm not looking at your things right now because I'm watching TV" without even looking at me. To me, she could have just looked real quick and smiled or something like that, but NO, she had to be nasty. However, when she wants something from me, she's nice. And again, to me, this is very phoney behavior. Yesterday, Cody was at work, and she came over, and then came pounding on my door asking where the Sunny Delight drink was. I told her, How am I supposed to know, I'm not the only one in the fridge, and she just yelled at me and was very rude. I could not even imagine acting like this myself in someone else's home. Especially to my boyfriends mother. So, I ask, what is wrong with this picture? When as far as I can see, Cody's just mad because I won't do his laundry anymore, EVER. Not while he and her are treating me this way. So, all in all, I so very much appreciate all of everyone's advise. I can see where myself is getting a little bit stronger with some of the peoples advise, and that's what I'm doing. I will no longer let either one of them get to me. This, of all the advise, was the best. I do feel much more stronger every day, so thank you all so very much for your concern and help. I wish all of you the best in life ever, and keep up the great questions and answers. This website as been a blessing to me. I LOVE YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID TO ME. It really hit home and is so very appreciated. If I knew all of the people that responded to my problem, I WOULD GIVE YOU ALL A GREAT BIG HUG!! SO, AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL FOR SHOWING ME THE LOVE. YOU ALL ROCK!!
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #11

    Dec 8, 2011, 03:55 PM
    I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Once again, I would talk to your father about sitting down with your son and discuss his moving out (make a point of him knowing that it is due to his disrespect). There is simply no way I would allow one of my kids to remain in my household if they called me such names. Their friends, whether boyfriend or girlfriend, would not be allowed in my home either with such behavior.

    If your father simply won't do it, then I would start making plans to move out yourself into a nice little apartment and let the three of them fend for themselves. In fact, that might even be the better idea.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #12

    Dec 8, 2011, 05:50 PM
    Where's your son's father in all of this?

    Yes, no child of mine would talk to me like this. He needs to move out.

    He's reflecting your boyfriend's attitude toward you - he saw it for a lot of years and finds no problem with it. If your boyfriend verbally abused you for 8 years your son was about 10 when he first started seeing you treated in this fashion.

    Children learn from what they see and hear, not from what you preach to them.

    Where's your boyfriend when this is going on? I'd think he would have an interest in stopping the behavior.
    enigmaroxie's Avatar
    enigmaroxie Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Dec 9, 2011, 09:26 AM
    Well, you all have given me some great advise. Now I need to put it all into action. I am getting stronger every day with the thought that I will no longer be a codependent to this behavior. Yes, Cody saw me and my boyfriend fight in the past. However, me and James have learned not to fight this way. We have learned to talk things out and go from there. The problem is, that Cody has now become this way. And Yes, he has hurt Jessica just recently. He bit her on the inside of the arm and left a great big bruise. I was horrified when I saw this. I really believe that my son needs anger management classes. I took them, and it helped so very much. I just wonder what the heck Jessica's mother thought about that. I also just found out that Jessica and her mother fight and call each other the "C" word. Her mother is pretty nasty and makes Jessica cry often. Jessica also told me that she fights with everyone in her family. She has an older brother that also lives at home and they don't get along either. To me, it seems as though Cody has picked up these bad, mean habits from her side of town. I was not raised to disrespect my parents. I too, was kidded out in my earlier day for such behavior. I had to put myself in check, and also got my own apartment. My dad says he's raised his children and I should have done things differently when Cody was young. But I didn't. I have owned up to my mistakes and really think that Cody should too. However, he doesn't listen to me, he listens to Jessica. Oh well, I still do appreciate everything that I have read and learned in the past month. It's been very hard, but thanks to you all, I now have the courage to take it all on. I will get stronger with each passing day. I do believe in GOD, and with that in mind, I think I will be just fine, right? Love and best wished for the holidays to each and everyone of you that was there for me. I feel like I had a couple of good hugs just from the caring responses I received. Thanks again all... Sandra (enigmaroxie)
    enigmaroxie's Avatar
    enigmaroxie Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Dec 10, 2011, 04:40 PM
    Well, we can scratch the previous reply from me today because now Jessica has really caused so ugliness around here. I just found out that she's pregnant from Cody. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. Things are all back to the way it's been. Cody has told me that he wishes I was dead. I really don't know how to be strong like I want to be. Im back in my room crying. Please someone talk to me and make me feel strong again. I wish I could just crawl under a rock. I can't even sleep because Cody wants me DEAD. Someone out there, HELP ME. WHAT I'm I supposed to do. I have no support and no backup. I feel SO LOST.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #15

    Dec 10, 2011, 04:55 PM
    Someone is almost always here to listen if you just want to vent.

    Words are just that - words. It sounds like Cody has no self control, says whatever crosses his mind at any given time. I believe those words would strike at your very core. Small children often say "I hate you" to their parents, and that hurts - when the children are only children. When the children are adults? I can't imagine.

    Did I ask where his father is in all of this?

    He needs to get out of your house. I would tell him that. He wishes you were dead and you wish he lived somewhere else.

    He needs therapy or counselling or something if he is going to bring a child into the World and parent that child appropriately.

    If you walk talk to your father would he take charge and throw the two of them out? I realize this is your son, this is your Grandchild - but you HAVE to draw the line somewhere.

    I would get her out - you do it, your father does it. He can stay or go. He'll go.

    You must be wounded beyond belief. Keep in mind that people say in anger things they would never say otherwise.

    He wanted to hurt you... and he did.

    Hang in there. You know he needs you and maybe that's the problem.

    Is there anyone you can talk to about this?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,851, Reputation: 5428
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    #16

    Dec 10, 2011, 05:11 PM
    I'm here with you, enigma! I'm thinking some of what is happening with Cody is "displaced aggression." He can't dare be angry at himself (heavenly days!) for the failures he's set himself up for, he can't be upset with his grandpa, and he certainly can't be mad (all the time) at Jessica , so who else is left??

    I'm with Judy on a lot of what she said, but... Okay, now there's a new life being tossed into this whirlpool. She'll keep the baby? That'll be your grandchild (and our cyber niece or nephew). Could this pregnancy and baby be what reconnects you to these two kids? We all know Cody and Jessica don't need a baby right now, but it's reality. Would your rising above the whirlpool and being a positive, supportive future grandma make any difference?
    zellie's Avatar
    zellie Posts: 1, Reputation: 0
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    #17

    Apr 22, 2012, 05:48 PM
    Pack he's cloths kick is into the street Take all money credit cards and anything of value in your name and freeze them. Get a plane ticket move to some place he can't find you change the locks on the house and leave. You maybe poorer and somewhat homeless at first but at least your alive and can start over. Not doing so ou risk being hurt or killed by this jerk
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #18

    Apr 22, 2012, 06:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by enigmaroxie View Post
    I have a son who just turned 18, and I'm just beside myself because I don't understand why he calls me the nasty names that he does, or why he hates me so damn much. I have always been there for him and supported whatever it was that he was doing.

    He has a girlfriend that is always over, and I really believe that she is moving him like a puppet. She's the same age. They both have graduated from high school and now attending college together. Every time something goes wrong, I can't even talk to my son anymore. Not like before. We have always been close, and now not at all. I'm constantly crying because he calls me the "C" word (that every girl hates) and tells me that I'm a loser, and an odld hag. I'm 49. Not fat, ugly, or whatever.

    Please someone give me a clue as to why and what to do. I feel I can't even approach him to just say hi. He and I live with my father. My father is never here, and I have a boyfriend of 8 years. He and I used to fight like cats and dogs, but have managed to stop that behavior, and all of a sudden my son decided to pick it up.

    What do I do? I'm so very heart broken and need someone to talk to that will listen and not put me down for my mistakes. I am not a bad person, and get along with everyone, so why can't I get along with my son?
    I don't know why your son is so rude but I'm guessing it's because he gets away with it. At 18 you are under no obligation to support him or live with him and I wouldn't. If my son called me that name (and he's 17 and has some of his own attitude - in fact, I just lectured him about rudeness 15 minutes ago), he would be on his own financially and otherwise.

    It's time for you to move out of your father's house, and your son should move out too.

    Don't diminish the fact that it sounds like your life has been unstable as well. You were apparently a teen mom, dependent on others for assistance - not married to his father, and it's not clear if his father is in the picture or not. You've said your relationship with your boyfriend has been volatile. It sounds like your son is acting like the rest of the family - he came by it honestly. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate being treated disrespectfully but it does mean it goes both ways. If you're in an unhealthy relationship, get out of it so you have some credibility talking about your son's unhealthy relationship. If you're not standing on your own, you need to do so in order to have credibility in telling your son to do so. If you use foul language, expect to hear it in return.

    I'm not trying to condemn you at all - I'm divorced from my son's father, and I also lived with my parents as an adult and a parent on a short term basis - we single moms do what we have to in order to raise the kids as well as we can and survive. But we also have to move beyond these circumstances and show our kids by example how to fight for our happiness through hard work and determination, and also how to treat others, how to expect to be treated by others.

    You may need your father to help you out in giving your son notice that he has to move out. If you don't want him to move out - for example to support him in college - I would set some ground rules including limiting the girlfriend's time at the house, a minimum gpa, expectation of at least a part-time job and no more name calling or disrepect of you as well as doing specific chores in the house on a specific schedule. Make clear that this is what is required to live there, and it's not going to be argued about or discussed - he does it or moves on his own dime. Then follow through.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #19

    Apr 22, 2012, 06:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    I don't know why your son is so rude but I'm guessing it's because he gets away with it. At 18 you are under no obligation to support him or live with him and I wouldn't. If my son called me that name (and he's 17 and has some of his own attitude - in fact, I just lectured him about rudeness 15 minutes ago), he would be on his own financially and otherwise.
    It's time for you to move out of your father's house, and your son should move out too.

    Don't diminish the fact that it sounds like your life has been unstable as well. You were apparently a teen mom, dependent on others for assistance - not married to his father, and it's not clear if his father is in the picture or not. You've said your relationship with your boyfriend has been volatile. It sounds like your son is acting like the rest of the family - he came by it honestly. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate being treated disrespectfully but it does mean it goes both ways. If you're in an unhealthy relationship, get out of it so you have some credibility talking about your son's unhealthy relationship. If you're not standing on your own, you need to do so in order to have credibility in telling your son to do so. If you use foul language, expect to hear it in return.

    I'm not trying to condemn you at all - I'm divorced from my son's father, and I also lived with my parents as an adult and a parent on a short term basis - we single moms do what we have to in order to raise the kids as well as we can and survive. But we also have to move beyond these circumstances and show our kids by example how to fight for our happiness through hard work and determination, and also how to treat others, how to expect to be treated by others. Coming from difficult circumstances does impact kids and it's good to understand that - not so you can feel bad (I'm sure you've done your best under the circumstances and he's in college so clearly you did very well), but so you can understand where it's coming from in dealing with it. He's old enough that you can have some candid discussions with him about what your plans are, what you expect him to do as well. You could also talk to him when you're not in an argument about how it makes you feel to have your own son call you the C word - how deplorable that is, and that it's a deal breaker for you - your son or not, you aren't going to have anything to do with someone who speaks to you that way and shows so little care for your feelings and a complete absence of any respect for what you've done for him, and what you continue to try to do for him.

    You may need your father to help you out in giving your son notice that he has to move out. If you don't want him to move out - for example to support him in college - I would set some ground rules including limiting the girlfriend's time at the house, a minimum gpa, expectation of at least a part-time job and no more name calling or disrepect of you as well as doing specific chores in the house on a specific schedule. Make clear that this is what is required to live there, and it's not going to be argued about or discussed - he does it or moves on his own dime. Then follow through
    mchierici's Avatar
    mchierici Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Jan 12, 2017, 03:35 PM
    Hello - In my state you can go to the court and get a "No Abuse Order." It's a type of restraining order that allows for you all to still live together, but requires the offenders to stop being verbally abusive to the victim. Verbal abuse is still abuse. I know this 1st hand because I also have a 18 year old Son who thinks he rules the roost. I got this order from our local court and the police served him. Of course he was disrespect to the officer who came to the house, and then followed that up by pointing to me and saying "and you, you are dead!." This was a direct violation of the order, and my Son was handcuffed and taken in to a juvenile facility overnight. We had to appear before a Judge the following morning, and things changed rapidly after that, but it did not last. Every now and again I remind him about the no-abuse order and, I let him know he is welcome to move-out whenever he wants.

    The language our young people hear today in their music and on-line etc... if different from the language we grew up with. I think that you might want toughen up, and let him know he is welcome to move out at any time.

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