I have a 9 year old that does not know her biological father and believes that my husband is her father. We have been together since she was one and I have another daughter that is 7 by my husband. My 7 yr old has pointed out that my 9 year old does not look like her because of her hair color and eye color. My husband has never adopted my 9 yr old for the fact we just got married almost three years ago and she did not want to change her last name. I know there are other siblings out there by her biological father and one of the sisters is only a year older than her and goes to the same school and she is friends with her. So should I tell her the truth now?

Does the other girl's parent face the same dilemma? I think them both finding out in age appropriate ways is best, but talking to the other set of parents may give you better options, or ideas. One girl knowing without the other knowing doesn't seem that fair.

Its hard to tell since it bears on the child's maturity level. But a 9 yr old should be able to handle it.

What name does she have? I can understand if she has your last names, but if she has someone else's I would think that she probably has her suspicions.

By the way she would not have to change her name in an adoption. And it might be better if you tell her as part of telling her she is going to be adopted. She can then choose to change her name or not.

She has my maddin name and her half sister has their biological fathers last name. He sees my daughters half sister but not her. I did not push the issue for the fact he did not want anything to do with her. He live two blocks way for 2 years and never saw or even contacted me. HE moved to a different town but all of his kids live in the same town of me she is one out of 5 kids that I know he has and all by different woman. I know he put one out of the 5 up for adoption. And I know he has two more girls and a boy. Thanks for the info on not having to change her name just assumed that she would have to if adopted by my husband.

We each probably look at your question as we think back to our own experiences or friends experiences. As the others have mentioned, the maturity of the child comes into play. My opinion, stating first that I have no degree in family counseling, is that it is always best to be forthright but perhaps do this in a very controlled environment so that you won't be interrupted by phones, etc. You and your husband should decide on how to do this together in order to make your daughter feel this is a special share time and that your daughter feels emotionally safe and not set apart by being given this knowledge. Children are resilient. Assure her that both of you love her totally. Allow her to ask questions but be ready to answer at that moment although the questions might come after the child has had some time to think about it. I feel it would create your child more anxiety if she hears it from someone other than you and your husband. I am hoping your husband is able to convey with words as well as hugs, his everlasting love for her. Talk with your husband and if adoption is his desire, make sure it is something the biological father is willing to have happen so when it is presented and you and your husband can tell her your desire is to make your husband her legal father, even though in his heart, he feels he has always been. I am being too wordy but so many aspects. To me, not knowing but suspecting is worse than learning the truth in a loving, accepting, and safe environment. Just be ready for an onslaught of questions by others, not just your little 9 year old but just be concise and decide ahead of time together, you and your husband, what you are choosing to share and stick to just that. Blessing to each of you. We all need acceptance. Just be vigilant, you and your husband to make sure every thing stays on a fairly even keel in keeping with how your live daily.

You might also check with your local librarian. There are books on how to tell a child if they have been adopted. Such books may have tips for you as well.