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    boomer625's Avatar
    boomer625 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Aug 28, 2010, 09:28 AM
    What to do with a disrespectful adult child who feels entitled
    I have a 21 year old step daughter who thinks the world revolves around her every want and need. She just graduated from college. We paid for 100% for everything, tuition, rent, books, food, gas, car insurance and 3 cars over six years. She is a great student and wonderful around other people but she has this other side... the devil. The minute she doesn't get what she wants she goes crazy. She starts verbally attacking me. We just bought her a 17k car... (which is her 3rd car) She crashed her last one 3 times while texting and driving... I told her it makes our insurance go up when she gets in accidents. Her response was you don't have to pay child support to my mom anymore... you can afford it. After the accidents she insisted we fix the car asap.. she was not going to drive around with a big dent in her car! We wanted to trade her car for a newer on after she graduated. She was so upset that we would not buy her a new car... or a more expensive car. Why does she feel so entitled? Have we done too much for her? She graduated early and thinks she is entitled to take the rest of the year off because she saved us so much money by graduating early. What should I tell her?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member

    Aug 28, 2010, 10:39 AM

    Why are you agreeing to her demands? She INSISTED you fix the dent? Not in my house - and I have 5 stepchildren.

    Where is her father in this and why is she living with you and not her mother?

    She's an adult - she should act like one and be treated like one. Without knowing more about the family history and dynamics it's difficult to say why she feels entitled.

    Where is your husband in all of this?

    I'd stop enabling her - she crashes the car, so sorry. She demands this or demands that? So sorry.

    I'd give her a time frame to get a job and/or get out.

    Sometimes tough love is what it takes. The day she raised her voice to me is the day she'd be standing outside my house, looking in.
    martinizing2's Avatar
    martinizing2 Posts: 1,868, Reputation: 819

    Aug 28, 2010, 11:15 AM

    She has had quite a bit handed to her. And too often when this happens they feel entitled instead of grateful.

    You were too good to her. Sounds harsh because it is.
    When she gets upset, ignore her. Completely , until she acts like an adult.

    When she crashed the car , if it were me in charge she wouldn't have to worry about driving around with a dent.
    Unless there was one on the bus she'd be taking for a while.

    I agree with Judy that since she has graduated and now has all the tools to become an independent adult, it's time to use them.
    In 60 days you will be in your own place or paying rent here.

    She thinks she saved you money? Remind her of how much you spent to get her where she is.
    I know several hundred thousand kids who dream of being in a position half as good as hers.
    You are great parents to provide her with what you have provided.

    Now finish her education with a boot to the butt ,out the door into the world . Some street survival would round out that excellent education you gave her , and open her eyes a bit... maybe

    I wish you well
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Aug 28, 2010, 12:58 PM
    This is not about her, her belongings, or what she still feels entitled to.

    This is about you and your husband dishing it out. You can't complain about your insurance going up, because you gave her the car. You can't complain about her texting and driving, because you put the gas in the car, and bought the phone. You can't complain about anything you voluntarily gave her such as clothing, a living allowance, payment for her books, tuition, etc. because you did so of your own free will.

    Most importantly, you can't complain when you gave her all the expectations of being maintained financially and otherwise, as a princess, when you gave her everything she wanted, and then some.

    You can't complain when she is disrespectful, demanding, arrogant, spoiled, full of herself, selfish and domineering, because, quite simply, you and your husband are totally responsible for it.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member

    Aug 29, 2010, 07:37 AM

    My only comment would be - where is the mother in all of this? Is this a child who didn't get all she felt she was entitled to from one parent and then moved to the house of the other?

    And, yes, it's the Spoiled Princess Syndrome.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
    Ultra Member

    Aug 30, 2010, 08:57 PM

    People do what works. This girl demands something, you give it to her.

    My son is 15 and already doing odd jobs to help pay for part of his car insurance when he gets his license, which is a good year off. He has to pay 1/3 and 100% of any increases due to accidents or tickets. If he doesn't get a B average he cannot drive family cars, and he may not have his own car until he can purchase, insure, maintain, store and put gas in it entirely on his own. He will not have a car in college unless he lives at home and commutes, and in that case he will need a part-time job to pay for the car expenses.

    My son will also be responsible for 1/3 of his college expenses. His Dad and I will each provide 1/3. Loans will be his to repay - if he wants to avoid them he can pull As and work on scholarships.

    Kids become entitled acting when they are taught they are entitled, and that luxury is their basic due. Not that the way I do it is necessarily right or the best, but the point I'm making is that a kid who knows a raise in insurance will come out of his own pocket, or that texting and driving will mean no access at all to cars - it changes behavior very rapidly.
    aimee_tt's Avatar
    aimee_tt Posts: 340, Reputation: 143
    Full Member

    Aug 30, 2010, 09:30 PM

    I am the same age as your step daughter.

    I studied and had a part time job.
    I was given a car by my sister for my 17th but it was an old car. 9 years older than me. I didn't complain. I was happy to have something to drive. Then when my car started to play up I would share my mums car. By Sharing I paid some of her rego and I would fill the car every second week with petrol.

    Now I have a full time job and have bought my own car. I bought my own phone and pay for my usage. Almost everything I own I have paid for.

    I do not expect anything from my mum. Anything she gives me is appreciated.

    Id say force her to get a job or she will be without a home. As for the car I would take it off her and sell it. Then once she has a job she can save to get her own.

    When she gets a job she should also be made to pay board. Even if it's a little bit. (I pay 200 a month).

    If you feel like you want her to have a car to go to work in. Get her a cheap reliable car. Let her upgrade the car when she saves money.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
    Ultra Member

    Aug 31, 2010, 07:13 PM

    My parents taught me a long time ago that kids who are given everything appreciate nothing. Kids who are given nothing appreciate everything. Somewhere in the middle is the kid who is given all they need, and just some of what they want. That's the kid who grows up expecting a good life and not willing to settle, but also understanding that nobody hands the good lives out - we all have to go out and get what we want for ourselves.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member

    Sep 1, 2010, 04:00 AM

    What is her father's take on all of this?

    As the others have said, she feels entitled because that is what she has learned. Put up a fuss and she gets what she wants. Not work for something to pay it on her own, or at the very least half of it, and you will take care of it... and she won't even have to pay you back.

    Nothing wrong with helping kids out now and then when you can, but at that age is shouldn't be a free ride.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member

    Sep 1, 2010, 05:32 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by DoulaLC View Post
    What is her father's take on all of this?

    As the others have said, she feels entitled because that is what she has learned. Put up a fuss and she gets what she wants. Not work for something to pay it on her own, or at the very least half of it, and you will take care of it....and she won't even have to pay you back.

    Nothing wrong with helping kids out now and then when you can, but at that age is shouldn't be a free ride.

    My questions in #2 remain unanswered. I think more info is needed in order to determine exactly what is going on here.
    MamaMariaT's Avatar
    MamaMariaT Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 26, 2011, 08:44 PM
    You need to use operant conditioning. It is a little late in the game, but it can still be done... just don't let her catch on. You ignore the tantrums and the whining, and give her praise when she does something for herself. If she gets a job, reinforce that with words of encouragement and praise. When she throws a tantrum IGNORE IT. I know it's hard (I'm having to do it myself) but just keep telling yourself that you are doing the best thing for her by helping her become autonomous. She will scream and tell you she hates you now, but I guarantee you... when she does something for herself, she will be so pleased with herself, she will insist on autonomy every time.

    Start charging her room and board. If she is done with school, she should get a job. Period. No free ride. The whole "you don't pay child support" can be responded simply by saying, "True. And you aren't a child. Take care of yourself."
    jenniepepsi's Avatar
    jenniepepsi Posts: 4,042, Reputation: 533
    Ultra Member

    Mar 26, 2011, 08:50 PM

    Well the first thing that I felt I needed to say about this, quit calling her your CHILD. She is no longer a CHILD. And until you TRAET her like one she will continue to BEHAVE like a CHILD.

    Stop paying for everything, stop bailing her out of her problems. Its time she was an adult
    MinF64's Avatar
    MinF64 Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Jun 16, 2011, 08:50 AM
    My wife and I are going through a similar situation with our 29 year old daughter. We sent her to private school and paid for her college. We gave her 2 new cars and $100 bills as if they were singles - and - we created a mean, mouthy, self-righteous monster. She is convinced she had a horrible childhood and upbringing and contacts us only when she wants something. She's right - we messed up her life (I say that with all seriousness and sincere regret). We've apologized again and again and tried our level best to turn the tide, but nothing we do seems to work. Sad, but true, we're getting exactly what we deserve as I believe you are. I would welcome any and all advise from those who've been here and found a way out.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member

    Jun 16, 2011, 09:56 AM

    Yes. Tough love. No more handouts. Want to be an adult? Stand on your own two feet.

    You can't be abused if you refuse to be abused. Either don't listen to her or limit your contacts.
    ClapSo's Avatar
    ClapSo Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jun 27, 2011, 05:37 PM
    Simply cut the little darling off. No discussion. She's on her own from here out...
    Irish12's Avatar
    Irish12 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jan 14, 2012, 10:46 PM
    I can relate to this, I have a 23 year old daughter, she's the youngest of three, who moved out at 18 and then moved back home at 21. Apparently she thinks that because she works she doesn't have to do anything else. She kept her apartment clean and paid her 1/2 of the household bills when she lived with a roommate, but now she doesn't do anything. The only bill I make her pay is the cable/phone/internet, she pays her own cell phone and auto insurance. I recently told her that she's going to have to start contributing more to the house and she got angry? She's very opinionated and even downright rude sometimes... I have no idea why she is like this, her older sister and brother are responsible and respectful. I think my daughter is part of the 'ME' generation - she thinks everything is all about her. I'm about at my wits end with her.
    stepmumlez's Avatar
    stepmumlez Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jun 21, 2012, 01:39 AM
    I agree with the spoiled child syndrome. My husband has a 30 year old daughter who has been spoilt and demanding since a young child and still has an attitude. She feels that she can speak to her father in a nasty way, hurt his feelings and then when he gets upset, says that it is his fault and does not take any responsibility for the consequences of her actions. Her mum and dad split up when she was 16 and the fall out from that was enormous. It is now 11 years later and since then she has calmed down but only because she keeps getting help from her mum and dad. Her dad has finally decided that enough is enough and now is happy to not speak to her and has withdrawn all help and support that she often demands or manipulates from him. It has frustrated me to watch him give, give, give and for her to then to treat him like dirt. I am happy now that we have pulled away from her and I am just waiting now for the next manipulative trick to try and pull her dad back to her again, just so that she can get money from him, because that's ultimately all she is after. She needs to be left alone so that she can have a big think about how she treats him and sort her life's problems out for herself instead of everyone else doing it for her.
    enabler's Avatar
    enabler Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Mar 27, 2018, 08:00 PM
    I'm going through the same thing with my 29 yr old son. He moved to Toronto and I've been financially helping ever since. Even though I've given him many warnings that I cannot afford this any longer. This is the last straw, I really really cannot do this anymore but he keeps expecting me to pay his rent. He will probably have to go live in a shelter where he hopefully will have a case worker work with him to figure out his things. He keeps moving and changing jobs. IIt breaks my heart that we have such a disfunctional relationship. I am so afraid for him. I wish he would take his life in his hands and stop acting like I owe him. He has so much potential and is good looking and strong and healthy.All I can do is have faith that everything will work out. I love my son but I now believe it is now or never. I continualy sent him money knowing I shouldn't now its come to the point where I cannot do this anymore. I don't think it really helped him anyway. It just made him think if he keeps on bugging me which he does over and over until I give in. It's a terrible pattern to get into. I just wanted to help but it really got out of control. It comes a point where he has no choice but to face realty no matter how bleak he thinks it is. It may just end up helping him change his entitled attitude. It all remains to be seen.I really do wish in my heart that things will change for the better.

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