Over the last year, my son has become increasingly defiant and disrespectful towards me. In Sept of 2008 his father and my estranged husband committed suicide. We had 3 children together. My oldest is 15 and I also have a 9 yr old and a 6 yr old. I have them in grief counseling and the younger 2 seem to be moving through the stages of grief. However, my oldest has turned on me in a dramatic way. He uses my grief and weakness to his advantage. He is verbally abusive towards me and his siblings constantly. He is failing 10th grade and refuses to put forth even the slightest bit of effort. No amount of encouragement or punishment phases him. He has run away from home 3 times in the past year. I found weed in his room and called the police for that and every time he has run away. He has been to court and is enrolled in a counseling and drug treatment program. His last court date was last week and he failed a random drug screening. The judge sentenced him to house incarceration. Last month he became physically abusive. He grabbed me by my neck and pushed me around. I called the police and they politely told me to beat his a** and physically force him to do what he's told. They scolded me for not being a more forceful mother. I asked them how long they thought I would be able to push around a 15 yr old that is already taller and larger than me. No answer was given. I have contacted everyone in the juvenile justice system in my area for help. Last night, he became irate and spit at me while cursing me and his brother. I contacted the "probation" lady in charge of him to ask her for help. I feel he needs to be removed from our home, if only for a day or so. She informed me that until he physically injures me or his siblings seriously they can't take him out of the house. I don't want to get rid of my child, and I am not looking for a quick fix or someone to take over my obligation as his Mother. I just need help. I don't want to wait until he has done serious harm to us or himself. By then it will be to late to intervene. There are no resources for parents like me. The court system locks him in the house. The court coordinator in charge of him and the drug program tells me to call the police, the police tell me to beat him. What can I do?

I am sorry for your entire situation. Nice solution that officer gave you by the way.And then you end up in jail for defending yourself.How asinine.

Since you have gone through the gamut of options with the juvenile court system ,to no avail,my only suggestion would be to file an order of protection against him.

In New York we have a program called P.I.N.S. that is akin to probation.Call the dept.of child services and see what they recommend.Call a domestic shelter for women,they may be able to advise you.

I think you just have to keep trying to get through to someone in the system until you find someone who can intervene.

Call the school counselor,maybe they know of a program that can get him focused and away from the situation.

He needs to get away from the home,even if for a short time.
This behavior will probably only escalate.In the meantime,stand your ground and let him know you are making arrangements to have him put away if he doesn't comply.

I understand he is hurting but there are other more appropriate behaviors to express his pain.

I wish you the best and if you are so inclined ,an update would be great.

My own Son went through a period around 15 (he is over 6 foot and very stocky I am 5'4) He threw something at me one night when he got mad. He had got really mad again a week later and pushed me.
I admit I was afraid for a minute and I could not believe here I left an abusive ex and now would be beaten by my son.
No way could I deal with that.
After he calmed down I sat down and left him know how disappointed shocked and hurt I was. I shared a lot with him and he with me and we shared memories and such and I just really left him know just what he meant to me.
I left him know that fighting and anger would get us no where and there was no way that I was going to be able to live with him in fear.

We have had a few arguments since but we do not let it escalate anymore.
We walk away for a cool off period, and talk after we are calmed down. It has really helped us.
I am unsure if your son is too far for that but it is worth a try.
Sit him down let him know you know it is hard and you are having a hard time dealing with it too.
Let hm know that you are there for him and if he ever wants to talk that he can always no matter what it is come to you and talk and you will help him.
Let him know that you are hurt that he is treating you this way and that you never thought that he would do these things Sit and show him family pictures and movies and share stories you have never shared with him. Include dreams you had for him when he was a baby and things his dad said or done. He is likely going to connect with the ones about you and his Dad and times when he was born and was little.
Make it a special day Just for the two of you when the younger kids are away.
He may not only be dealing with his loss and grief about the death but may have issues he has not yet dealt with about the split as well. The passing and the split combined may have been too much for him. Maybe he carries some guilt or anger regarding both or one of them.
Add to that the fear of being unsure anymore about a lot of things and the fear of not knowing what his role is and where he fits into it all and you have a confused young man.
He also is likely dealing with not knowing for sure that you are not going to be gone as well.
All these feelings both new and old has to be really overwhelming for him.
He likely feels he is the man now and is really unsure what that means and the anger of being forced into this position and anger at the dad for leaving him combined with fear Maybe it is a role he is not wanting to take on Maybe he needs to know that hey he is still your little boy.
A long sharing time and talk may go a long way.
If not than well sadly you are forced to deal with the courts and get him out of there and get him help the harder way.
Things you can try are
Speaking to the probation officer and IF she refuses to do anything to help ask to speak with her supervisor.
If you know the Judges name that presided over your sons case and gave him the house arrest write him (the Judge) a letter expressing what is going on and ask if he can possibly offer some suggestions and help because you are not getting it from the PO or the Police.
Another option is to contact your local Social Services Adult Services department. They have a dept. to protect adults just like they do for protecting Children. Contact them and let them know what is going on and what can be done.
Oh and a tip on the police thing when they come ask either they a report be filed and get the number (Always keep a journal of what happens who is called etc as well) If it comes down to it Insist that you wish to file charges.
If you do they MUST lock him up
Remember that You are doing what is best for him as well as you and your other children.

Good Luck
Bay

While I don't know the whole situation, I thought calling the police for finding pot in his room was a little harsh. He sounds like he's really hurting and he's lashing out at you and his siblings, but he's also hurting himself which is probably his main target -- himself.

Is he in counselling?

I would leave the police out of it as it's just going to drive him even further away from you and create a "me versus them" mentality. He's only 15, still just a boy; please don't give up on him yet!

When I was 14, my parents went through an ugly divorce. I won't go into the details but it was pretty traumatic for me. I experimented with drugs and alcohol, was rude and mean to my mom and sister, and was generally not a nice person to be around. My mother never called the cops on me but I did get grounded and "took off" a few times after having an argument. You know what I needed the most? Security, stability, for someone to actually give a sh!t, for my mom to hug me and tell me she loved me and that everything would be okay. I didn't have the words for what I truly needed/wanted and at the time I didn't even know that's what I wanted, so instead I pushed everyone away from me and felt like I didn't care about anything when really I was hurting so bad inside.

I went to a psychologist for a year, moved and changed schools and life got way better.

I love my mom and my sister and we have a great relationship. We all went through a rough time but we made it through together. We are all successful, happy, and well-adjusted adults.

Maybe your son is like I was. Drowning in emotions and crying out to be loved but not knowing how to accept it?