How do I say this and still keep it simple? I have a 15yr old son and a 13yr old daughter. I have been married for 16 years. I know there has been a lot of ups and downs in my marriage that both my kids have been forced to witness. I am not the world best dad but I try. At least I have stuck it out, that is more than I can say for my dad. Any way I guess the issue stems partly to my short temper when my son treats his sister like crap. He bosses her around and he makes her feel like she isn't wanted like she shouldn't even be here. He entagonizes her to the point she runs into her room crying and even once she cut her wrists because he told her that we didn't love or want her around. This is not true we love them both with every breath. I see the manipulation for attention he is trying to get by these actions because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I have always been very manipulative since I was very young. But this makes me blow my top, not to extremes, I just yell and I can get pretty loud but I have never hit either of my children for any reason and never will. But when I get mad at him in the beginning he would say that I was favoring his sister but I only yell when I can take the there fighting. Now here is the deal. His mother started to say I was favoring my daughter and singeling him out and has gotten to the point that if I even say anything about his behavior his mother will jump down my throat like I am the bad guy. I am just trying to do my part the best I can. I do in a sense try and stand up for my daughter because it seems at times that he and his mother treat her unfairly not like ganging up on her but more like she isn't as important as he is or something to that nature. And it has kind of always been like this and so I try and give a little extra mental support so she doesn't feel bad. I know it makes me feel terrible to have to see her treated like this because she is such a beautiful person inside and out and I know she has been through a lot and she acts like it's no big deal. When my son recently went out of state for a school related trip for a week I noticed imeadietly how her spirits lifted she was smiling and laughing and now it's back to the same, however he is directing his anger towards me as well. He knows I can't do anything to him because his mother will get mad at me for trying to discipline him, so he he will call me a jerk under his breath and will do nothing I ask of him and it has gotten to the point that we won't talk to each other or even look at each other. I know he hates me and I know he thinks he is smarter then me so he has a total lack of respect for me. The only time he will do what he is told is when his mother tells him to do it. I still try and be there for him, for example I paid for his school trip and even gave five hundred dollars for spending money on his trip and kind of wish he hadn't come back. I am trying so hard to keep love in my heart for him and I have such sorrow for how he has treated his sister all of these years I don't know if I can take it any longer. Sometimes I just want to beat him till he understands, but I know that that won't fix it and I can't talk to him, so do I just sit on the sidelines and watch him do what ever he wants and in the process drag my daughter through the gutter as his little tool. God someone please help me through this before I do something I am going to regret!:eek:

Your whole family needs help, man. I hate to say it, but you sound like a pressure cooker about to blow. The problems between you and your wife go way back, I'm sure, and your problems with your own father go even farther. I can only guess at your wife's personal demons from her childhood. There is no quick or magic fix for any of this. The best chance would be intensive counseling for the whole family, because there is definitely a "whole-family" dynamic at work here.

If your wife and son are too alienated and resistant to be willing to do that, start with yourself and your daughter. I'm sure she appreciates you sticking up for her, but the abuse heaped on her by her brother (and her mother?) are burdens that you can't relieve her of, or carry for her. She needs outside help to learn how to respect and defend herself.

You need help in managing your anger before you commit a crime. You have to come to terms with the fact that you can't force another person to do what's best for them, even if you know what that is, which you often don't. Don't delay getting help for yourself, no matter what anyone else does. If you learn to change yourself for the better, it will change the situation for the better. Find somebody to talk to face-to-face about this right away. If you can't afford a professional counselor, go to a priest, a pastor, a trusted friend, somebody, just don't let the pressure build any more without some kind of controlled release.

I wish you all success in the difficult job you have to do.

That sounds like a miserable situation. If possible, a talk with your wife, in private may be helpful. Two parents are a team. Kids tend to listen when both parents are on the same page. Your wife may not realize that she is undermining your authority. If she is also saying cruel things to your daughter, it could be that she doesn't even realize she's doing it.

Once you and your wife are seeing things each other's way, then is a good time to both sit down and have a conversation with your son. It is inappropriate for him to be saying things that "alter the reality" of your daughter's life. It is really bad if his mom supports the behavior. The same goes for when he says rude things to you. That is not OK! If your wife does not agree... Well, I can see why you feel angry and helpless.

You need a healthy outlet for your anger and frustration. Running or working out, or going bowling with your buddies can alleviate some of the tension. Raising teenagers can sometimes feel as if it extends beyond the limits of a person's sanity. Doing it "alone" as you are can be quite painful.

Has your daughter spoken (complained) to you at all about the abusive behavior from your son? If she is quiet and cheerful, she may be acting that way to keep him off her back. While she is quiet and cheerful, she may be harboring a very negative opinion of herself. When children are manipulated, they tend to grow up twisted. You may benefit from therapy. Yeah, you, it's always an excellent place to start. An unbiased, supportive opinion and feedback from someone who is not wrapped up in the situation is very useful.

First you can not allow him to do this, you have to have rules, and if your wife will not respect that, there is your first problem..

I agree with some of the other answers on here,and especially the fact that you and your wife are divided on this problem.If you both don't get united on this you are fighting a losing battle.I am a step-mom and my husband and I were in a similar situation with one child.She was used to getting her way all the time until he married me,I had rules her mom did not.She played on her dads sympathy constantly and he gave in,until finally he saw what she was doing.. we shut down her world.. phone,internet,friends,going out all came to a halt until her attitude improved.She had to earn her allowance,earn phone and net time, earn everything.She eventually got into drug use which I found out about and we put her in juvenile detention for a month, came out a whole new girl.. appreciated us like never before... I don't know if any of this helps you or not,maybe you should check into his affairs more closely to see if he is into something that could hurt him.. drugs and alcohol abuse was changing her and only I could see that.Good luck and stay calm..

I want to thank everyone so far for there answers, they all sound like very good suggestions. I have to agree when you say I have to some how fix what is going on between my wife and I. Believe it or not we have been married for almost 17 years and we have very little communication. I have tried to talk to her about it an other issues and I get cut off before I can even get two word out and then I get a cold shoulder for the two days following. Then out of the blue she is OK like nothing ever happened. I have thought for many years that she might be bi polar but I am no expert so I have just left it where she leaves it. It is the easy way out but if you were in my shoes you might do the same. It's a lot easier then rocking the boat until it sinks, and that is what I am worried will happen if I do. I was perfectly happy and was she until my son came along and started with his bull! Now she worships the ground he walks on. I am very much in love with my wife and I don't want to loose her. I love my son very much as well and no I am not jealous of them. I find myself trying to gain his acceptance by doing things for him and he just treats me like anyway. He thinks my tools are for him to use and leave in the back yard or to loan out to whom ever he feels fit. My desk has been his garbage can as has my couch. Anything he can do to hurt me he does. Yesterday he poured a brand new bottle of shampoo out on my desk through the cap on the floor and poured 3/4 of it a box I store my batteries in and just through the bottle on my desk and left it lie on its side to spill out. He is good enough to eat my food use my stuff like it's his and sleep under my roof but I am not good enough to be treated like an equal member of the family because my wife is wrapped around his little finger. I want to scream. If I say anything to her I get put out in the cold if I say anything to him he gets mad and then she gets mad and I am put out in the dog house. If I get mad they call the cops on me and I get escorted off the property. When that happens I have no where to go because the only family I have left are on her side of the tree. My side of the family are all dead! I think that is probably the only thing that might work out to my benefit, the fact that people on my side of the family die at an early age late 40's to mid 60's. Maybe god will save yet!

This anger thing isn't working for you, man. Time to get a little bit creative. Blow their minds with a whole different approach. See what you can come up with.

I may seem angry in my post and of course I am, but I am not as angry as you may think. I don't even say anything or even show any anger because of the consequences. I have to just sit back back and take it. That is what is making me so angry. I don't take from anyone and now I am having to hide in the corner because my son has out smarted everyone! If I could think of a solution to resolve this I would have probably done that. Unfortunately I haven't so far so I just sit here quietly and let him walk all over me while he gets worse and worse. Wouldn't you be angry? I have to find a solution no dought, but I will have to wait until I am able to reach one on everybodys terms, mainly my wifes:confused: . If you have a mind blowing solution please enlighten me with it. Thanks for talking time out for your response.:)

This really is first a marriage issue, then a parenting issue. Until you can get your wife on the same page with you, you will always have issues with your son. Ordinaryguy suggested family counseling in his original post. You need to look into something along those lines. Right now, the problem is that you have fallen into a consistent & chronic pattern of behaviour in how you deal with your marriage and with your children. You need to learn how to change your behavior before you can expect to change the way they respond to you. The only way you have a chance at doing that is to find a counselor who has experience with the family dynamic. If your wife refuses to go, then go alone. Your daughter can go for help at a later time. Since you are the parent that recognizes the problems and are looking for answers, you will be the one that must shoulder the responsibility of finding solutions. You need to find someone who is able to teach you how to respond in a constructive and logical way when the crap gets thrown into your face. Your son is 15. Although he thinks he is smarter than you and knows everything (I remember that phase! ;) ) he isn't smarter. You can outreason him. A good counselor will explain to you how to use logic and rational thinking with him and with your wife. Once your wife starts seeing that your approach has changed with how you handle the disputes, you may find that she may be willing to go to counseling sessions with you. Here is a link to help get you started: Psychology Today: Find a Therapist Type in your zip code and click on "parenting" in the section that asks what you are looking for help in. See if your medical insurance will cover the counseling sessions. If you have a low income, some of the therapists might do a sliding scale fee. If they don't, they can recommend someone else that does. All you have to do is ask them about it. But, your first step is to make that phone call. :)

Your son's behavior is a symptom of the problems in your family, not the cause of them. It's good that you're able to control yourself enough to avoid being hauled off by the police, but now you need to find ways to focus that energy on constructive change.
Yes, I would be angry, and no, I don't have an obvious mind-blowing solution. A good family systems counselor is your best bet for serious, sustained help in changing things in a fundamental way to save your marriage and your family, but you and your wife both would have to be fully on board and committed to the process.

If she won't make that commitment, then you need to get some help for yourself to figure out what changes you can make on your own that will move the situation toward some kind of resolution. Continuing to let the pressure build is not in anybody's best interest. Even the "resolution" of separation leading to divorce is better than just digging this hole deeper and deeper until somebody drowns in it.

How about this for a first step? Do some research and find a good family counseling service in your area. Make an appointment and ask your wife to come with you, but if she won't, go by yourself.

Hey, I'm turning eighteen in oh about an hour but maybe I can help a bit even with my youth. I've been going through a lot with my mom over the past year and I, now realize, we've both made a lot of mistakes. But on my side it was me wanting to get back at her for not seeing or caring about some of the really ty stuff going on in my life. Maybe what you need to do is tell your wife you want to take your son out for a day and do something fun and maybe, just so that she'll agree, say something, not lying, but something, to the effect that you realize that things haven't been going well and you want to make peace in with him. Then just sit him down and see if you can figure out if there's something going on that he hasn't told you about. Its not likely he'll open up to you but the effort might help your case with your wife. Maybe even letting her know you want to spend some time with him alone, bonding time, weekly or biweekly. Maybe suggest she do the same with your daughter and incourage your daughter to speak up. See if that helps. I know its hard for you because you hate what he's done to your daughter but just give it one more try. It really seems like you want this to work. I have no idea if this helps goodness knows I'm not a parent but good luck from the bottom of my heart.

I fully agree with this. The family systems therapist will know how to pull the other members of the family into counseling and will know how to get you all on the same page.

az37dad,
The counselling advise is most excellent. Try that first.

However, I have not told you what I would do yet. LEAVE! Take your paychecks with you. Get your own place. When your wife is ready to accept that you are a partner and friend who willingly helped support the ungrateful, (and still are) then maybe she'll come to you. I know that is pretty "out there," and running is only one of the options, but that would simmer down the disrespect quickly and bring negotiations to be. You described your wife's behavior. Just reading it made me ANGRY! She is being manipulative and screwing with your sanity. And then she calls the cops on you?

The woman needs a wake-up call. Not that you're perfect or don't need to learn stuff. I do believe she needs to pull her head out. Your daughter can stay with you if she likes, or she can stay with them. Tell your daughter what's going through your mind. Tell her that you want a stable home for her and that you're willing to try anything to get it. The home you are presently living in is neither stable, healthy or sane.

Just out of curiosity, is this a step-son and the daughter a biological one? And is your wife the mother of the son in question but not the mother of the daughter? This always gets to be a sticky issue when you have a blended family under the same roof. But either way it sounds as if your son's and wife's actions are unacceptable. You need tot take the bull by the horns and insist that everyone is to treat everyone else with respect and that nothing else will be tolerated. And if your son and wife don't like it, then you throw both of their a$$es to the curb.

In spite of my recommendation to get a counselor, I agree with simone here, it may be Step Two. Only you can judge the level of danger and degree of crisis in the ongoing situation. If it's nearing a catastrophic explosion, then immediate action to defuse the pressure is your first priority.

Progress through counseling is measured in weeks and months, and you may not have that much time before the pressure becomes unbearable for somebody. Moving out and yanking out the financial props would certainly be a wake-up call, which is definitely what both your wife and son need. Consider it seriously. Talk to somebody about it. If it truly is the best next step for all concerned, don't flinch, and don't feel guilty. Just do it.

You make me feel so lucky as my wife had everything in order by the time I got home from work. Sheesh! Go to counseling, and learn how to interact with your wife and family. Kids emulate what they see, and what they see is not healthy. Changing yourself and your attitude, will change everyone in your house. That's how important your actions are. The best way to have your woman by your side, is to stand by her. As man, you lead by example, and they will follow, if your direction is right, so YOU get counseling.

How about sending your kids to China or Japan for a study abroad program?
Let them see what is called respect the olders!

I am sure they like to study abroad, and you don't need to see them for a while. They will also be educated the foreign way.

You need to ask your wife in private why in the world would she undermine you on your son's harassing your daughter. Ask her if she thinks it is normal and acceptable that your daughter tried cutting her wrists over your son's antagonism.
Ask her why she can't see that he is not only manipulating your daughters emotions but he is also manipulating an agrument between the two of you and to him that is winning attention for him no matter how much it may be negative attention he still gets something out of it. Tell her that you need to work together on this or else you feel that family counseling is the only option left.
Tell your son that maybe if he stopped treating his sister like this then maybe you wouldn't have to compensate for his behavior to balance out her hurt.

Hello,

Often we find we have children who are very accurate and frustrating mirrors, showing us the most unliked parts of ourselves. Our challenge is to find a way to love not only them, but ourselves, and thus heal the whole situation. Our love partners are the same thing. They will also act as mirrors to show us parts of ourselves that need healing.

The answer is to love those unloved parts of yourself (and them) back to wholeness.

Look for the things about your son and your wife that you DO like. Write a letter to them listing the things about them that you appreciate, and ending with, "I love you unconditionally." But don't give it to them. This is spiritual work, and they will feel this appreciation on a spiritual level. It will begin to heal them and bring out the best in them. And above all, write one of these letters to yourself, listing YOUR best attributes and then sign it the same way. Then continue to look for the GOOD in your son and your wife and yourself every single day, and comment on it when you can. What you pay attention to will flourish, and so far, you've been paying attention to the worst things instead of the best.

Remember, what you think about, comes about. So think about what you want INSTEAD of what you are getting right now. Then write a letter about that.

The reason I advise writing is that it takes what is nonphysical, your desires, and puts them into the physical world, writing. This makes the manifestation process goes much more quickly. You can use symbols, also, such as drawing stick figures to represent your family and then surrounding them with peace and love symbols. This is a very powerful way to create a new reality. Send loving energy to these letters and these symbols every day and watch your very reality transform around you.

All this chaos is in your life as a call for LOVE from your OWN unloved parts of yourself. Start there.

Namaste,

Satina

This is true. Hard to accept at first, hard to act on in the beginning, but it works if you keep at it.