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    Failedmommy's Avatar
    Failedmommy Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 7, 2017, 10:48 AM
    My son is almost 22 and a loser and bum
    At 17, he dropped out of school. I pushed him to do his GED and he passed. He started smoking pot and is now a pot head and all he does is smoke. Hang out and chill. He is aggressive. He has been arrested for possession of marijuana and just a slap on the wrist by the judge. He is now 21 and will turn 22 in 3 months. I moved out of state and my mother took him in, He abuses and disrespects his grandmother. My brother has kicked him out several times and I have wound up booking hotel rooms for him. I send him ubers to supposedly "Job interviews" that he never gets. I deliver food for him. He has worked before don't get me wrong but now all he thinks about is how to manipulate money out of me, He has sold drugs last yr and even pimped a prostitute. I know what I have to do but I need your thoughts and support.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #2

    Jun 7, 2017, 10:52 AM
    What will happen if you tell him "No!"?
    Failedmommy's Avatar
    Failedmommy Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jun 7, 2017, 11:01 AM
    He will go on and on and on.. until I give up
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #4

    Jun 7, 2017, 11:40 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Failedmommy View Post
    He will go on and on and on.. until I give up
    So stop arranging his life, job interviews, meals. Then what will he do?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #5

    Jun 7, 2017, 12:40 PM
    Give him an ultimatum and a deadline.. and stick to it, lazy bums, particularly drug abusing (or Alcoholic) lazy bums will mooch for as long as they can get away with it.

    First step is he gets a real job (meaning full time job), suggest making him pay rent to you (which you can keep in escrow if he does what he needs to when it comes time to rent his own place as security deposits are needed). If he gets fired or quits... kick him out on the street, and that money is yours to offset what he's cost you. He's an adult.. you aren't responsible to support an adult moocher. Might take tough love if other persuasion fails to net desired results.
    Failedmommy's Avatar
    Failedmommy Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jun 7, 2017, 01:27 PM
    Been there done that... Only thing I never did was stop helping him
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #7

    Jun 7, 2017, 01:30 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Failedmommy View Post
    Been there done that... Only thing I never did was stop helping him
    Stop helping him. Tough love.

    My niece is very much like your son. Her father enables her and, in doing so, pushes her deeper and deeper into dependence.

    Please reread what smoothy wrote above.
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
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    #8

    Jun 7, 2017, 02:59 PM
    1. You are not a failed mommy!!
    2. "Only thing I never did was stop helping him". ​You are an enabler since he knows how to use you and you allow it. Don't help him. Tough Love!!
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Jun 7, 2017, 05:41 PM
    Stop helping him. I know that won't be easy, because no matter what our kids do, they're our kids and it's hard to stop helping them, but that's what you need to do.

    You have to be the tough one. That's the only way this young man is going to figure out life on his own, and he has to figure that out. If he ends up in trouble, that's his choice, and not your fault. He's not a child, he's an adult, and it's time he starts acting like one.

    I would suggest therapy for you, to help you deal with all of this, and help you stay strong in what you have to do, and you know this is the only thing you can do, you knew that before you even asked the question. Now it's time to do it, no matter what.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #10

    Jun 7, 2017, 06:34 PM
    He will never change unless you do, and who he is living with.

    You stop giving him money, renting him rooms, who he is living with, evicts him. When he is living in a homeless shelter and eating at soup kitchens, he will or may decide to change
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,087, Reputation: 10852
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    #11

    Jun 8, 2017, 06:38 AM
    You have not failed, but the situation has changed dramatically and you must change with it so he can change for the better. You can still give love and support while establishing tough strict boundaries of good acceptable behavior with your son. In this way he will LEARN to stand on his own as a man should.

    No more bailouts! In this this case, very tough love is the best love.
    Failedmommy's Avatar
    Failedmommy Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jun 8, 2017, 11:30 AM
    He was living in my mothers house but my brother kicked him out. He has been kicked out of there by the HOA because he smokes pot in the courtyard. 2 days ago my brother kicked him out for talking really loud and making "money moves" on the phone which was probably to do with drug dealing or some type of quick money. He keeps calling me and I won't answer. It's hard but I do know I need to stop.

    I know I need therapy. I need to find someone in my area. I will get on my insurance plan and see the participating therapists. Thank you xx
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,087, Reputation: 10852
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    #13

    Jun 8, 2017, 11:31 AM
    That's a good first step, as hard emotionally as it is. Stay strong.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #14

    Jun 8, 2017, 12:26 PM
    I'll amend my earlier answer.. due to the latest information, he's already blown WAY past the giving him a last chance stage and clearly well into the Tough love stage.

    I see an arrest imminent in his future.. and if and when it does happen... do NOT bail him out (someone with that mindset would jump bail) or deplete whatever retirement savings you have to pay for a lawyer. (you'll never see it again) let him get a public defender at that time.

    You have to think about whats best for YOU...he's already made his choices and its clear he sees everyone for what they can do for him...and nothing more.

    Tough position to be in..but you can't let him drag you down...he only cares about himself, and nothing else.
    Failedmommy's Avatar
    Failedmommy Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jun 10, 2017, 02:15 AM
    He's been on the street trying to make me feel sorry for him telling me he hasn't showered and he peed on himself and asking me if I can get him an Airbnb. My response was go to the emergency shelter but obviously he's too good for that. My mother is on the other side of the world on vacation and he texted her
    And broke her with his disturbing text and of course she tried to call me and break me down. I'm staying strong. I do break down and cry sometimes for him but I don't want to enable him anymore. I told him things will change if he stopped smoking pot and went back to school and worked
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,087, Reputation: 10852
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    #16

    Jun 10, 2017, 04:40 AM
    What does your brother, his uncle say about all this if you care to share? Has he reached out to him? The emergency shelter was the PERFECT response. Do you and your brother talk about this situation? Seems he would be a good support for you.

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