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1badchoice · May 10, 2007, 11:37 PM

My name is Cathy and I typically answer questions on this site. I've asked a few questions and been rewarded with great responses. Tonight I am dealing with my ex-husband who is from India and is Catholic. We have been divorced for about 9 yr. As time goes by... he is getting more and more eccentric. He has no friends, family live in many different states/countries. He is an engineer and sees matters in a very black/white view... no shades of grey. Emotions are a waste of time to him and kids should be doing nothing but studying constantly. We share 3 children, the oldest two being in gifted programs. The problem is he disagrees with most things Americans do culturally as they grow into adulthood. This is an excerpt of the e-mail he sent me tonight. "You are a dysfunctional parent, just as your Mom & Dad were. You have signed up to send Courtney to work at barely 15 for "clothes & stuff", when you yourself do not go to work. These 4 years are critical to getting into college, and you have failed in your parental duty to guide and advise. As a result, and for many other reasons, you will receive not an additional penny from me over and beyond my legal child support obligation. I swear! Do not ever call me, and do not even respond to this mail, because I do not ever want to hear from you" This is of course not the first of his angry letters, accusations, verbal abuse. It does still hurt though... The daughter who just got the job is 15 and an A student with a C in geometry/gym. It is so tiring to be griped at no matter what choice I make with the kids. How should I be handling him? Any new ideas? This is just a small taste of what I typically get from him. UGGggg! SOOO glad I'm not still married to him.:mad:

Fr_Chuck · May 10, 2007, 11:47 PM

Ignore his emails, perhaps just not open them to start with, get his check for the ordered amount each month, if he does not pay what he is suppose to, hire an attorney to take him back to court.

Letting him control you now, does not good, so what he does not care, why do you care what he thinks, you should care less what he thinks than I do, and I certainly don't care what he thinks

Bluerose · May 11, 2007, 08:35 AM

Cathy,

The children are with you, you set the boundaries, you fix their routine. He may be their father but he cannot order your life around like you were still married.

This may be way over the top but I have heard of so many cases where the dad was from another country and took the children... You will be careful.

Please take charge of your own and your children's life. He has certain rights but not to the extent of disrupting you and your children's home life.

1badchoice · May 11, 2007, 03:54 PM

Fr_Chuck ,
Your right... I shouldn't care what he thinks. Unfortunately I still depend on him for financial support. Have had to make an agreement with him to help pay restitution in my fraud case. In essence I have had to make a "deal with the devil" to keep out of jail. He of course is the one who instigated this action. He calls 3-4x wkly to complain, yell, gripe at the kids. I generally refuse to speak to him. And I never write to him. He has betrayed me in every way possible. I know all the right things to do however when it's you, it's so hard to follow through. I have not responded to him and will not but he continues to heap the abuse on...

As for him trying to take the kids... won't happen. The only times he comes through for me/kids is when he is looking at having to take custody (during hospitalizations/possible incarceration). All of his siblings are now in the U,S. and his parents spend at least 6 mo yr here as well. They are all engineer's/doctor's and he expects the kids to do nothing but study. He even complains that they spend the night at friends, go to movies, play video games, talk on phone, use the internet.

No, he was not this way when we were married. He is however someone easily influenced by other people. If all else fails he falls back on the black/white views of his upbringing. This is the main reason we got divorced. His statements of "emotions are just a waste of time" put it best. That is his view of the world. Even his own parents apologized to me about the divorce saying they didn't teach him to be very emotional.

Sorry to ramble. I just get so hurt, tired, overwhelmed with this man. Other than my children, he is the biggest mistake I ever made. Wish I could get a real handle on the pain I allow him to cause me. Thanks for the support.
Cathy

grammadidi · May 11, 2007, 04:24 PM

I would do exactly as he asks - do not respond to his email, do not call him. If you try to convince him otherwise, you give him power over you. If he has power over you he will continue to be abusive.

Now, please forgive me for not reading up on all your previous posts as I don't have time right now, but, why must you depend upon him to help pay restitution in your fraud case? Can you not negotiate a lesser restitution? Are you not able to work? I'll tell you, I would be doing whatever I could to NOT be under this person's thumb.

I would respond to future emails ONLY if they were pleasant. I would respond to telephone calls ONLY if he treats you with respect. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Tell him right out front that if HE wants to speak with you or receive a response from you to his emails, then he will treat you with respect from now on. Let him know that if he is not respectful and polite in an email you will not be responding, and if he is rude, bossy or disrespectful on the telephone that you will hang up and not take another call for a week. Then, stick to it!!

People cannot control you unless you allow them to. If you need to work out some other way of dealing with your financial situation, find a way to do so! I repeat - do not allow him to have power and control over you any more!

Hugs, Didi

1badchoice · May 11, 2007, 09:38 PM

Grammadidi,
Thank you for the words of encouragement and support. Even though I know the right things to do... sometimes I have difficulty gathering the strength needed. Even when I follow through with my ex and refuse to respond he just waits a period and attacks again. Or in another way. The kids complain and don't want to go visit him. I refuse to allow them to make the choice as it would be too easy for them to get only negative attitudes toward him. As a parent, some of the things I would disagree with my oldest daughter does... such as lying to her father to get money. I have actually told him that some of the expenses she lists are not accurate and that he should check with me. This only makes both him and my daughter angry. Under normal circumstances I would never allow my daughter to learn such manipulation, dishonesty, and downright negative behavior. I've tried talking to both my ex and my daughter. To no avail.

Thank you to everyone for the support. It's nice to hear the words from others even if I know them. Cathy

YeloDasy · May 11, 2007, 09:51 PM

Get out from under him, he knows he hurts you, he knows he controls you, and if success is money, and you keep NEEDING his money, then he will continue to feel power over you. You need to give him the idea that you do not depend on him, only your kids do. I would even get to the point where you do not depend on him for your kids, his contribution is just as asset, not necessity.

Not only will this take some power away from him and give it to you, but you will feel more confident in yourself and more independent as a person.

Mary Surette · Aug 5, 2007, 08:26 PM

Do you all have joint custody? Who is the primary conservator? I agree with the previous reply, you should not be depending on his money --even if it is the child support. You need to maintain your own financial security and consider the child support as supplemental income.

It sounds to me like you are allowing too much communication to occur when it is not related to the children and what is outlined in the divorce decree.

I know what I am telling you. I allowed my ex-husband to control my life for 10 years after the divorce and we talked everyday. It was his way of controlling my life and I did not have a boyfriend for 11 years later. It sounds like he is just trying to control your life and your personal life by using the children.

You don't need him for legal issues. Hire your own attorney. Work out a fee schedule with them. Attorneys are really affordable if you can find one who can take payments.