[bashambelly]

I cannot break this habit... When my 7 years old daughter was a baby my ex husband and I were too tired from work and we did not want to handle the "crying-crib-moments" so we let her to sleep with us, she grew up and we got divorced and now she is 7. During 4 years while single I tried so hard to make her stay in her room, co-sleeping with her created an habit that is getting hard to break I've tried so many tricks, (excepts the extreme-physical-punishment) and none have worked, I have decorated her room with any single piece she has said it will make her enjoy her room without any result.

I will getting married soon and my fiancé sometimes stays over with me, I've try to make her sleep alone but ,she throws tantrums upon being asked to sleep in her room. She keeps repeating that she is afraid to sleep alone even though I monitor her watching TV & making sure she doesn't see any horror shows. I have talked to her about this and she has made promises she will sleep alone but as soon as the clock turns 9:00pm, she starts with all sort of complaints things that she has do, from a last minute prayer, extra glass of water, double check her homework, leave her school uniform ready to shortness of breath, headaches, dizziness, etc.

There were nights when she came into my room in the middle of the night and jumps onto the bed where I was with my fiancé I let her sleep next to me. My ex and I have discuss with her that now I will re marry and she needs to sleep alone but she stills has hard time by staying her room.

Now when my fiancé stays for the night, he sleeps in her like Cinderella's Castle bedroom, while she sleeps in my room with me, my ex husband does not complaint nor my soon-to-be new husband but this situation is driving me nuts. I don't want my daughter to resent my fiancé presence adding this extra stress in her life she has always been insecure when it comes to sleep by herself and now she is becoming jealous of my fiancé she likes him but the bed sharing is a deal that she is not ready to give out.

We (her father, my fiancé and I) want to help her stop this behavior, she is a very brilliant, friendly and lovely child she only has a sleeping problem, should I put her on therapy just for this?

[Fr_Chuck]

So she has a tantrum, "so what?"

And your soon to be husband will start compaining at some point

You should make her, if she comes into your room take her back, so she throws a fit, let her, and go back to bed,

It is obvous she understands she gets her way and she likes it. Time to be a parent, and make her the child.

[saraispiel19]

I cαn relαte to your dαughter.. I used to do thαt:( whαt my mom did is to sleep in my room with me until I felt comfortαble to sleep in it, trust me new rooms αre scαrry.. then my mom would leαve αfter I'd fαll αsleep. I did wαke up sometimes αnd go to my mom but she'd come right bαck in αnd wαit till I fell bαck αsleep.. yeα it'll tαke some time for her to get used to sleeping αlone but thαts how my mom did it αnd it worked for me;)

[Confuzzledmonkey]

Try putting her on a matress on the floor for a while and them putting the matress in her room. I had this problem when I was four or five but I was always made to sleep on the floor or the mattress.

[Tuscany]

I don't think it is a matter of being scared. I think it is a habit now and one the child does not want to break. Especially if there are other changes going on in her life. However, the time has come for a change, therefore she needs to learn to deal with that change.

To help your daughter start with sitting next to her bed and reading to her, then holding her hand until she falls asleep. Each night move further and further away, until she can go to sleep with just a good night kiss and a tuck into bed. If she needs a night light in her room or the hall light on, do it. But, once you start this transition it is important that you don't give in and it is important that you are consistent. It would be harder for her if one night she has to stay in her bed and the next night she can sleep with you. Be consistent!!

[lacuran8626]

Your child is old enough to understand that you are making a change. I suggest you talk to her during the daytime and explain to her, "You are too old to sleep with your parents and while I know you like it this way, we are not doing it any more. You have your own room and it is very nice. You have nothing to be affraid of. You have a nice room with a nightlight and I am close enough to hear you if there is an emergency. So, starting tonight, you need to be in bed at 8:30. You will start getting ready at 8:00 so that you have time to get water, a story and anything else you need. Once it is 8:30 anything you want or need has to wait until morning. If you cooperate and stay in your room all night, you will earn a special prize in the morning. If you are uncooperative or get out of bed after 8:30 before morning, you will loose a priveledge. If you have a tantrum, you will also loose a priveledge." Then, follow through. Tell her she has permission to get up one time between 8:30 and daylight to go to the bathroom. If she uses it right away, she will risk being very uncomfortable later. Do not be flexible. Set a timer instead of being the time-keeper. Ignore her many objections and excuses why she needs more time. Stick to the rules like a tyrant.

It is a good idea to make the prize a "big girl" thing. For example, when I was a child I had trouble stopping a thumb-sucking habit even though I was 9, but I also wanted to get my ears pierced. My mother made a deal that if I stopped the habit, I could get my ears pierced but explained that pierced ears are a big-girl thing (I know some babies have them, but this was accurate in my family and culture). Do not give in on the prize until she complies without complaint or whining. If she has a tantrum, send her to her room and ignore her. One relevant prize might be that once she has slept in her room without giving you problems about it for 2 weeks, she can plan a sleepover party with two friends or cousins.

Make the lost priveledge something of great value to her whether television, her favorite barbie, or so on. She cannot have it back until she complies with the new bedtime rules and locations

And, if she has a fit, as others have said, so what! - stick to your guns and do not, under any circumstances, give in - even if she cries and carries on all night. Make sure she understand that you want her to sleep in her room and that it has nothing to do with your fiancé, or she will blame him for coming between she and you.

[robertsqueen]

She may be experencing fear of the unknown. She may also be jealous of your fiancée.. I would talk to her and ask her why she is scared then go from there. You are starting a life with your fiancée and maybe she thinks that he is taking her spot in the bed.

[bashambelly]

Hi,

I just want to thank everyone for your advises, my daughter is now sleeping in her own room, the transition was not easy she had hard nights. With all the changes in our lives, I feel even closer to her now than before, it was a mistake to let her stay in my room but I am glad I fixed it. Again, thanks for your comments.

[vlee]

You really need to address this issue now, as waiting until you are married and your new husband is to share a bed with you will only leave your child to conclude that she is being ousted for him. My daughter was the same way and I waited until she was almost 4 to nip it in the bud.

Lets begin with the tantrums... let her have them. Put her in bed and allow her to scream and cry and yell for as long as it takes, but make her aware that there are consequences for getting out of bed (ex: no TV the next morning or no outdoor play for the day). You have to ignore her tantrums because they are simply a way of her getting your attention and wearing you down until you give in. The more times she gets what she wants by having a meltdown, the more meltdowns you will find yourself dealing with.

You said she goes to bed at 9:00. So at 8:30 I would ask her if she wants any of the things she uses at 9:00 to stall... a story, a drink, schoolwork checked, etc. But once that clock rolls onto 9:00 it is time to drop her in bed, cover her up, give her a kiss, tell her you love her, and leave her there.

I do think it is equally important to reward her for her efforts... so J9's idea of reward by sleep-over sounds good. And make sure that in the beginning if she does well at night you make a big fuss over her in the morning. Tell her how proud you are and what a big girl she is becoming. It's going to take a lot of patience on your part to deal with the tantrums, but if you stand firm they will go away and your daughter will learn to go to bed without you.

[tawnynkids]

Vlee she already fixed it! Kudos to you mom great job!

[MicheleEB]

My daughter is about to turn 8 and sometime she begs and begs to sleep in my bed. Sometimes I say yes, but when I say no she usually asks again, and when I say no again she pouts but sleeps in her own bed.
Your daughter is what 2nd grade? She is old enough to know better and if she throws a tantrum oh well. And make a big deal in the morning but telling her she is a big girl is something you would do if she was 4.

[brandy681]

Ok.. A LOT of children go through this because I did as a child and my aunts two boys also went through the same thing. If you let them, they will sleep with you until they are 18 years old. Another thing is my boss that own the gas station where I work has 2 daughters ages 16 and age 22 and they still sleep with her sometimes.


I do not sleep with my mom at all now but it was hard as a child because I had a lot of nightmares and I was scared to death to sleep in my room. I was made to sleep in my room and I cried a lot and tried to sneak with my mom, who is single by the way. Sometimes she knew I was sneaking into her room but she let me and other times she would wake me up and make me go to my room. I was very obedient and I always minded without a hesitation but I was disappointed when I was woke up to be made to go to bed but I never once said NO I am not going to my room.


I am 22, almost 23 now and I live with my mom still, I had my on apartment for a year with my boyfriend and I, but I moved back home 6 months ago and I sleep by myself and in my own room. Last week I slept with my mom for 2 days because I lost my pet cockatiel and all I could do was cry. My mom was supportive and I needed the comfort and so my mom let me sleep with her for a couple of days. I am better now and I am sleeping in my on room of course, I love my own space but maybe this is a problem that I have, my mom is single though and if she was married she would definitely have not have let me sleep with her.

[mango7777]

I know exactly the feeling that you are going through. Although I am the Step-mom and I share what both of you are experiencing. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. But I have known him for 4 years. When I met him and his daughter (at that time 8) they were living on a boat and she would co-sleep with him in the one bed they had. When I would come over I got the bed and they both slept on the roll out couch. She shared the same insecurities and intelligence as your daughter. But when we moved in together(all of us) we talked about her getting her own room, etc. She stays with us 50 % of the time. Her mom dealt with that problem, but not as much as we had to.
Regardless , she put up the same routine and fight as yours, her room was "fun", vcr, dvd, etc. Didn't matter, night came and bam!
What would happen is she wanted to be "tucked" in, read a story, etc. then dad, being in construction, so verry tired, would end up falling asleep. When he would fall a sleep, she would cry and tantrums galore/ Being a newly wed, I started getting resentful, that he would stay with her the whole night, etc. We talked, getting my own issues out of the way and said, she is getting older and she needs to go to sleep alone. It was very hard for him to pull away, as I might imagine it is for you, because he had her as a family then divorced, at her age of 4 she was with him only on the boat.
He tried to say OK... good night, but her crying, bloody murder was too much and very difficult..
Regardless, the more he tried to pull away, the worse it got, being tired, he just didn't want to deal.
I asked him to try, to detach, even though its hard, she was getting to be ten now.

Solutions: Something like this does not happen overnight, patience is a must too. So before she was turning 10 we primed . She was obviously afraid and jealous (naturally) so we talked to her about the great age of 10 a milestone and how about a puppy to be cuddled up to at night. Because she is smart, she said ok-she was open to it.

This may work for you.

Unfortunately it didn't for us.
Her mom was not much help in this department, as with much -sad to say..
What it came down to : she would be with the puppy for a while and then come in to our room and stand there and cry. Dad would listen, to her woes and then say "you;ll be alright, go back to bed. Or take her back..(so the process started) this happened every night...as you can imagine.

One night after being tucked in, alone a bit, then she came in and started having a fit for her dad...

I finally said to her calmly You are a big girl and big girls sleep alone. They can be tucked but they have a place of their own. Your dad love you very much and he is never leaving you, ever. I am not taking him from you. We are all a family and we are together.

She did go back to her room.
It has been very hard on this Step-mom, but i got through. The next day, as i drove her to school, i held her hand and told her. You are a young lady and it is not appropriate to co-sleep with your dad. Most of young girls your age sleep alone.

What had to be done after that was a firm commitment from dad to stand by the words followed by ACTION-and continue to stand by the words. If not, these words would not matter.

So what i am saying, sorry for the long story, is that it will be hard to detach, and she will put up a fight, but if you all talk together and discuss again reality of the situation, followed by affirming love, and assurance that mommy is not leaving, daughter gets an addition to the family who loves her and is not taking daddy's place. Then tuck her good night= when she starts, don't show anger and don't feed into the drama,

Just keep saying...the same thing..time for bed, we talked about this, we love you "big girls' have their own bed.. stay in your room. If she keeps following you, put her back and shut the door. Don't let her tell you what to do- you are the adults and she will tire. But the key is consistency..

I would also entertain the idea of family counseling with a gentle therapist. Have faith!

[DogLover62]

I'm no expert and I'm just a kid too. But try saying stuff like your 7 now I bet all your friends sleep in their own room and things like that. If she doesn't like sleeping alone get a whole bunch of stuffed animals and put them all around her bed and close to her so she will feel comfortable. You may also want to consider getting a kitten/cat or a puppy that can sleep with her so she won't feel lonely. If she still throws tantrums and cries you need to lay down the rules. But don't say stuff like I'm getting married now so you need to sleep in your own room. Because if you feel that she may feel that she's being replaced by your fiancé which is not fair to her. Also when you and your fiancé are sleeping and she comes in stretch out so that there is no possible room and if she says mommy move over and stuff like that pretend your sleeping she may try to squeeze in and if she does it will be uncomfortable and if she cries she will eventually cry herself to sleep. If its still not working have either your fiancé or you sleep in your bedroom and the you or your fiancé sleep in her room and don't let her come in either so she will have no bed to sleep in which will probably upset her,she will probably end up saying stuff like this mommy let me in or I want to go to sleep. Then you must reply then go in your bed and stuff like that. Rememeber I'm no expert but this stuff may help.

DogLover62