[LINDAWA]

I would appreciate a psychologist or therapist's answer to this: (or someone that has experienced this)

I have experienced for a long time an extreme amount of verbal abuse and put-downs. I didn't receive as many put-downs when I was younger and skinnier. It happens at different places, but right now especially at a school I am attending one day a week. I have already gone and succeeded some in court reporting, but want to test for national accreditation. My boyfriend thinks people are jealous and resentful of me because I don't seem to take myself seriously and yet I am smart and quick to learn and do well.

I will say I make a lot of jokes, but usually it is to lighten up a tense atmosphere and make people smile. I don't put other people down. I don't like to say rude things back to people when they say them to me. I usually either smile and pretend I don't care or just don't say much. I try to make children laugh and say goofy things to entertain them. The thing is I believe people see me as easy to take advantage of and to say mean things to. Even people that don't normally put other people down, put me down. I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

One other thing I should mention is my right wrist has been giving out and I drop things a lot. I got a reputation for dropping things because I lose my grip. I finally started explaining this, but people think I'm clumsy in other ways too, and maybe I am. Most of the people in the class are women, and when one person rolls their eyes and says, "I can see you haven't changed." when I spill something, then the whole class laughs. As I was walking out, a girl said to me, "You're so much fun to give to. You take it so well."

I don't take it well. It really hurts. I just don't show it. Like I said, my boyfriend thinks they are jealous and that I also let it happen because of my soft personality. I want it to stop, and I want to know what to do.

[Cin]

I have found that if you allow people to treat you a certain way then they will continue to do so... I feel your best solution is to tell people that it hurts you to be put down and to walk away and not allow them to continue... although you cannot stop other people from saying things we are all responsible for our own behavior and so it is your response to them that can change... I have found that the main reason people put others down is to make themselves look better in other people's eyes and their own... when I did not allow people to abuse me any more it eventually stopped and I was able to surround myself with supportive friends... good luck to you... it can change.. I am proof

[JoeCanada76]

Have you always had problems with your wrist or hand?

Everything you go through, many many people go through that in their daily life. It is hard sometimes.

It is hurtful but some people if knowing it is bothering you might actually get worse because then they know how to get to you.

It is like a rock and a hard place.

Some people no matter what you do will be that way, another thing to is that you may be extra sensitive. It is all in our outlook on life that shapes the way we feel when we interact with certain people.

Change the outlook on life and how you look at things then you may change the way you feel too.

Joe

[barelyhopeless]

You sound like my sister, I make fun of her but, it's to make her laugh, not to hurt her. I do have a hot temper and if you are her, I'm sorry you feel this way and I love you. I really think she will make it in life unlike me I already failed.

[Illusion]

Dear Linda - It sounds as if people close to you how found out what it is that really upsets and hurts you. I believe that these people know that they are hurting you and continue to do so because it is causing a reaction in you. Who in your life resembles this? Was there someone in your life who made fun of you or criticized you - and know that they were hurting you but yet continued to do so? It is so horrible that there are people in this world that need to put other people down so that they can feel better. Your reaction is appropriate; what they are doing is abusive and causing you emotional pain.

Whoever is doing this is getting some sick benefit by feeling that they are powerful - because you feel hurt and thereby giving them the validation of power that they need. It needs to stop. You are not a beating board where people can go to work out their own issues. If someone has an inferiority problem you are not a therapist to help them work out their power issues. This a learned behavior from childhood; their parents probably used humiliation and verbal abuse as a way to control them and get them to comply. As a result, these people have learned the wrong way to use their own power and now use it to abuse others.

There are some things I would suggest for you. One is that you will need to work on recognizing what happened in your life that now makes you vulnerable to these kind of people. You need to do some internal work to reinforce who you are. You may need to acknowledge that you are not at the mercy of other people. You are the only thinker in your mind and you decide what to believe.

There was once a woman on a case that I worked on that told me that she was going to tell me off. She was angry about something, some decision on the case and she had decided that she was going to let me have it. She told me that the insult that she had for me was so horrible, so terrible, that I would never be the same again. She then told me that I was a failure, yes a failure - a complete failure as a person - that I would never amount to anything close to what she was - because she said... "You are not a mother like I am. I am a mother so you are the real failure." True story.

Now, I thought about that incident after it happened because it was supposed to be the biggest insult of my life - according to that woman. But there was a problem. My initial reaction? I thought, "What the hell? What was that supposed to mean?" No hurt, no pain, no sadness. I wasn't even angry.

And then later it hit me. This woman had "insulted" me based on what she believed, her own beliefs, her own standards to what she felt she had to live up in her own life. Since she was a mother, she felt she was a success, she was a success as a woman and as a person. She believed that the worst insult would be to tell someone that they are not a mother - for this was the most important thing in her mind. For someone to TELL HER that she was not a mother would have been the biggest insult in HER life because she believed that being a mother was central to the person that she was.

However, she made a mistake. I am not her. I don't believe the same things that she believes. I hold myself to something different - not better, just different. She believes what she believes and I believe something else. The fact that I do not have children has never bothered me. I have never believed that this is a "failure" - or that I have failed somehow. So guess what - I was not insulted at all.

What is my point here? That this woman had "insulted" me based on her own beliefs! Even when people are insulting you, offending you or hurting you - they can only insult you with what they know and believe. And if you agree to the insult then you feel hurt. If you don't agree then how can you feel hurt? This woman's "insult" meant nothing to me because I did not agree with it for my own life.

So the question is - what is it that you are agreeing to with these people? Do you feel hurt because you think - they don't like me? Or they think I'm dumb? Or they don't want my friendship? If they say you are clumsy and if its true - OK, why is being clumsy so horrible - what does it say about you?

Change at once this idea that you are easy to take advantage of and that people can say mean things to. You are not a dish rag. You are a person with feelings and thoughts. This is emotional abuse and it must stop. No one has any right to hurt you in this way. This is a situation that is reflecting back to you ideas that you have about yourself.

You need to establish some verbal boundaries for yourself. What that means is that you need to respond - honestly and immediately to what is being said. Even if it means that you say, "That is really mean what you just said. You hurt my feelings." Hold them accountable, don't let them get away without holding them accountable. "Did you just say I'm dumb? What a mean and spiteful thing to say to anyone."

My boss told me one day in front of other people, "If you were really good at what you did, you would have thought of this." I went to her office afterwards and confronted her. I said, "I want you to know that when you said that I should have thought of this, it hurt my feelings. I feel upset that you told me this in front of other people." Direct eye contact, calm voice - even though I was really upset. She apologized. I held her accountable.

Another time I went to a meeting and this Supervisor kept interrupting me every time I talked. After the meeting, I told her - not asked her - "I need to speak with you." I said, "I want you to know that I feel very offended that you kept interrupting me everytime I talked." She said well, as a supervisor this is the way I handle things. I said, "I am not speaking to you as a supervisor. I am speaking to you as a person and I felt offended." She did not apologize to me, but I had made my point. I held her accountable. It did not matter that she was a supervisor - we were talking as people - not as titles. Her title did not give her the right to be disrespectful to me.

I am a nice person like you are but I have had to learn, as hard as it was, to speak out. I work on myself because it helps center me and refocus me to what is my truth. I know I can speak from a place of power and strength because of all the work I've done with myself. I have learned that college is not enough, you need to pursue personal growth as well to be effective - and to protect yourself. And as you learn you may find that you had a lion within the whole time, you just didn't know it.

Individual therapy, group therapy, books, seminars, cds - anything on the self to help you move forward. You may have not developed yet that side of you that is strong and able and outspoken. It is there, alive and well. You may find that because of your emotional nature and kindness - you are really both strong and compassionate. And what a gift that is, what a wonderful gift. May you find the answer to the truth about yourself and the eternal spirit in you that lives in peace, in love, in wholeness and in power.