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Jimbo58 · Jul 23, 2010, 09:35 AM

In 1989 I found out my wife was having an afare with sombody .I was working 2 jobs which included my own business and worked from early in the morning till a lot of times 11:00 pm.
I am going to make along story short I could not live with my wife and her seeing her new lover it disrupted my work and could not function correctly and I had a lot at steak... my home and my 3 children . My wife then had a restraining order put on me and I could not even live in my own home with my children . But it made it OK for her boyfreind to legally move into my home that I was paying for .

My wife used to hit my daughter with a wooden spoon and used to dig her long fingernails into her wrist and hurt my daughter... or if she was afraid she would never let her come into bed with us .

I was always protecting my daughter from my wife and the neighbors used to tell me my wife used to make my daughter do everything for her and was not able to be herself and just be a child and have fun like all the other children . I was asked many times why I would put up with my wife... my answer was always ( because I loved my children ).

After the divorce was final I always needed to know the children would love me . I went to counseling for 2 years and the Counselor at the end of the 2 years came up to me and said I have an answer to your question.. and it was this she told me... children will always go the warmest person in the family and that I would never have a problem !

My feeling is this my relationship with my daughter up until she was 18 was the best she used to write me little notes and buy my little special things and then it happened .

I was living on a farm and one day my daughter called me and said dad can I come up there with my friends mom is going to have me locked up or have me put in CHINS... my answer was come here with your friends and stay a while . They did it was a great time to be with her and her friends... she had told me she was afraid of her mother and I had called my attorney to assure my daughter there was nothing her mother could do .she did not even want to talk to her mom .
After a while I told her she would have to go get her things and could come back and stay with me on the farm... everything was great at that point . Everybody was happy .

I got a phone call about 2 weeks after from my daughter and she wanted 5 thousand dollars and I could hear her mother on the phone also talking to her !
I asked her what she needed the money for and she said she wanted it to buy a car !
I told her I did not have the cash on hand... but if she would like I would come down there and we could go to a car dealer and I would buy one for her and make the payments .
She got angree and you could hear her mom in the background tell her to ask your father how much he has then ! I had said at that point I did not have a lot of cash and my daughter said what do you do with all the money you make well then how much can you give me very rudely and it was not like my daughter to be like this!! I had said sorry daughter I don't have any money... she hung up and that was the last I heard of her that was 9 years ago... for years after that as usual I sent her cards and letters and always $500 dollars for her birhtday in a hand written card and never once did I ever get a response but the checks were always cashed .

I spoke to my mother about this and she said your daughter had no respect for you and to leave her be what ever is going to happen will happen she will come out of it soon as she matures .

She got married not long after that and never told me she has had 2 children and will not let me see or meet them as their grandfather she does not want them to be in my life .

My 2 sons I have are no problem but they tell me all the time it's there mothers fault and my daughter was poisoned by my ex wife . And their mother was always speaking bad of me they said.

In all of her relationships she ever had with all of her boyfriends I was always friendly and kind to them because of my children and I acually hope she could be happy some day .

Now maybe you can tell me why my daughter hates me ! Because I sure cannot figure it out after all these years !

JudyKayTee · Jul 23, 2010, 09:41 AM

It sounds like her mother poisoned her - and perhaps she saw things from her mother's point of view.

Jimbo58 · Jul 23, 2010, 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

It sounds like her mother poisoned her - and perhaps she saw things from her mother's point of view.

I guess I just refuse to believe people are that way ! There are a lot of people who may deserve this, that don't care for there children .but I am happy to say I do care and damn proud of it .

But being proud all the times I have called and made a fool of myself to tell my daughter I love her with no response doesn't bring me any closer to her and time passes and we all get older .

JudyKayTee · Jul 23, 2010, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by Jimbo58

I guess I just refuse to believe people are that way ! there are alot of people who may deserve this, that don't care for there children .but I am happy to say I do care and damn proud of it .

But being proud all the times I have called and made a fool of myself to tell my daughter I love her with no responce doesn't bring me any closer to her and time passes and we all get older .

Have you ever asked your daughter why she "hates" you, if in fact she does?

Sometimes a letter, non-accusatory, expressing what you have said here gets a response at some time because your daughter can read and re-read it and maybe absorb some of it.

And sometimes wounds are so deep that they never heal. Hard to know.

Jimbo58 · Jul 23, 2010, 12:39 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Have you ever asked your daughter why she "hates" you, if in fact she does?

Sometimes a letter, non-accusatory, expressing what you have said here gets a response at some time because your daughter can read and re-read it and maybe absorb some of it.

And sometimes wounds are so deep that they never heal. Hard to know.

I have tried to be her friend many times over the past with letters and just doing unrelated things to get away from what ever the problem is .and just not talk about it . The last time I spoke to her when she was about 19 yrs old about 9 years ago.she told me she hated me and wished I was dead and would rather have her mothers " Current"boyfriend as a father than me !

The reason I am writing you is I feel I should attempt to contact her again at this point... her husband is a nice guy and I had spokent o him a few times and he has conveyed to me this... he asked her why do you feel that way about your father , and she would not tell him even .

This is the part that gets me there is no answer just "I hate you"

My daughter was the type of girl I always had to wrestle to the ground to just give here a kiss I think this was her way of telling me she liked the attention I was giving her I always gave my children Lots of hugs and kisses " something my ex never did "

To this day I have never married again over 20 yrs now .

In the next week or so I may try to contact her if I biuld up enough courage !

JudyKayTee · Jul 23, 2010, 01:56 PM

I wouldn't call - I would write, as eloquently as you write here. People say all sorts of stuff in anger, out of some spirit of "revenge." People who love you know how to hurt you. That's why children tell their parents that they hate them - they know it will hurt.

I'd write her and, again, without being accusatory would say that you would like to be in her life, maybe on her terms. I would NOT be in contact with her husband. If I decided I didn't want you in my life going behind my back and contacting my husband would be the WORSE thing you could do.

Let me know how it works out - I'll be thinking about you and the contact.

martinemcdonald · Jan 14, 2011, 08:24 AM

My heart breaks for you, as I know how deep the cut goes with children. I just wrote my own question about my adult daughter. I guess the final judment, that is out of our hands will teach the lesson. After all, the first commandment, "Honnor your mother and father."

JudyKayTee · Jan 14, 2011, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by martinemcdonald

My heart breaks for you, as I know how deep the cut goes with children. I just wrote my own question about my adult daughter. I guess the final judment, that is out of our hands will teach the lesson. After all, the first commandment, "Honnor your mother and father."

The FIFTH commandment is honor thy father and mother. The FIRST commandment is "You shall have no Gods before me."

martinemcdonald · Jan 14, 2011, 09:34 AM

Didn't say it gives the right to hurt. Sorry I messed up, I was crying. Sorry I said 1st instead of 5th. Gee you are mean. Are you the ex wife?

Jimbo58 · Jan 14, 2011, 09:38 AM

Dear martine , I have gotten many viable answers for my feelingand thoughts I had conveyed on line from many generous people , some counselors and some just down to earth nice people . You may never get to know the real reason why things happen the way they do . But I do know this , when somebody loves you they know how to hurt to in their own little way . Never give up !