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kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 06:54 AM

L left my husband last year for 3 months for another man and l deeply regret it , my husband took me back . But while l was away he got friendly with my sons girlfriends mum my son was worried about him not eating and she came down to talk to him. When he took me back he laid his cards on the table and told me that he had told her that he fancied her but he said she told him she didn't feel that way about him and they were just friends. But l can't bring myself to speak to her, l feel jealous of her, my husband doesn't see why l should be like this toward her, she only helped him through a difficult time in his life, and he would do the same for her now . L feel scared that she will take him away from me. We are going to my sons g/fs dance show tomorrow night, and she will be there. L am thinking of not going as l do not want to see her , l can't bring myself to speak to her . She is also having health problems, just now as I am, also but l feel my husband is putting her problems before ours.

Edited, and spell checked.

talaniman · Jun 23, 2010, 08:26 AM

I think you get over your insecurity, and jealousy, while you try and function as a normal family. He may have taken you back, but I doubt if he fully trust you yet, and I am sure that he is very grateful that he had a friend while you were stabbing him in his back.

They are just friends, but I don't think you do a lot of good for your situation by talking to her about your fears, instead, deal with the fear, and accept you did wrong, and forgive yourself, and try to be better.

So don't let your son down, just be there for them both, and get your head up!

You don't succeed, when you follow bad behavior, by more bad behavior.

kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 08:44 AM

L am trying l don't want to be like this towards her, but l know when l see her at the show tomorrow l won't speak to her then that will cause an argument because he will thnk l am being a . He doesn't understand why lm like this

J_9 · Jun 23, 2010, 08:46 AM

It's not her fault. It's his fault AND your fault.

You had the affair, he tried but she rejected him.

talaniman · Jun 23, 2010, 09:33 AM

You don't have to do anything dumb, stupid, impulsive, or disruptive. Focus on your family, and make them proud. Be cool, calm, and collected.

kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 09:44 AM

If l don't speak to her tomorrow night and ignore her he will not be happy with me , but l know deep down l don't want to speak or see her . L know she has done nothing to me but l still see her as a threat to us . Lf l say anything about her to him he flies of the handle . L can't do right for doing wrong. L went through a rough time while l was away and he says that had nothing to do with him and l know he is right , What l don't understand is when he says to me that she would be a friend to both of us , when he knows how l feel about her .

kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 09:45 AM

I already checked the library and they just looked at me like I was stupid I don't go to that school any more or talk to the kids so Im completely lost.

kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 09:47 AM

L keep wondering if he still feels the same about her , he says he doeant but is he just saying that .

Cat1864 · Jun 23, 2010, 10:02 AM

Think of her as your son's girlfriend's mother. Be polite as you would be to anyone else whether you know them or they are complete strangers.

I think you and your husband need to consider marriage counseling. There seems to be a lot of unresolved issues that should have been taken care of (or at least began work on) before you returned home.

You don't mention if your 'fling' is still around.

kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 10:10 AM

My husband thinks l should have a conversation with her , he even told her what l had been through while l was away, he didn't need to tell her anything when he did she said she would talk to me , l don't know how he could tell her anything when he kne

kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 10:12 AM

L am trying to make things work , but its OK for him to say her name but if l say anything he goes of on one , l seem to do or say the wrong thing all the time

Kitkat22 · Jun 23, 2010, 10:22 AM

You left your husband for another man? He became smitten with another woman?

You feel insecure because you are afraid he is going to do you the same way you did him.

He took you back after your fling and forgave you. Be thankful he did and stop being jealous.

What did you expect him to do when you were off with your boyfriend, sit at home mourning?

Nothing happened with the woman.. get past it.

kazza1 · Jun 23, 2010, 10:57 AM

My husband thinks l should have a full conversation with her , but l can't , he even told her what l had been through when l was away , he didn't need to tell her anything,he even told me she would talk to me about what happened to me , l don't know why he t

talaniman · Jun 23, 2010, 11:09 AM

Your attitude should be gratitude not insecurity and fear. You must let go of the guilt and whatever else you feel that keeps you from seeing that she is NOT a threat, and be mature about this. Its you who cheated, not him, or her, and they had every opportunity. They didn't.

Now get your head together here or make things worse. Trying is NOT an option, drop the jealousy NOW, or suffer even more consequences.

You have a second chance to do right instead of wrong, so take it while you have it.

Kitkat22 · Jun 23, 2010, 11:19 AM

You need to be thankful you have someone who loves you enough to forgive your adultery.

I think your guilt is eating you alive and that's why you're so insecure about this other woman.

This woman is a friend.. nothing more. You can make it worse b dwelling on it or you can let it go.

If your husband has forgiven you for your affair and he still loves you, then you need to forgive yourself and start working on fixing your marriage.

positiveparent · Jun 23, 2010, 11:52 AM

True your son deserves to be respected

Cat1864 · Jun 23, 2010, 11:53 AM

I think you need marriage counseling. By now, I don't think either you or your husband share the complete blame or innocence in this relationship.

I am starting to get the impression that your husband may be using her as a pawn in the mess that both of you have made of your marriage.

Yes, you were wrong to cheat and leave him. However, he took you back and it is wrong of him to make you feel like you can't discuss your own concerns/issues in the marriage whether it be the oven isn't working or 'I feel like she means more to you than I do.' Rebuilding your relationship should be between him and you and a trained counselor. From what you have said about what he told you when you came back, I would guess that both of you need to work on trusting each other.

This is also putting a burden on her because she tried to help someone who transferred his feelings on to her. She isn't a therapist trained to deal with this. She is a woman and mother just like you and deserves better than she has been treated by your husband and you. Put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. This is not about her in any way.

She isn't the threat to your marriage. Ignore your husband and try chit chatting with her about your children. You have so many things in common other than him (focus on those things) and I think it would be very interesting to see his reaction if you did extend a hand in friendship to her.

positiveparent · Jun 23, 2010, 11:56 AM

You don't need to get into a head to head discussion with this lady, you should however be civilized, and polite.
Learn to forgive yourself, you're over reacting and possibly because you feel guilty for your own shortcoming.

kazza1 · Jun 24, 2010, 03:13 AM

How can l move on when l can't forgive myself and never will as far as l can see, l know what l did was wrong

kazza1 · Jun 24, 2010, 03:51 AM

Well spoke to husband last night about how l felt about her and he went off on one , l tried to explain why l felt the way l did about her , l told him l don't trust her , he said she has don nothing wrong apart from get him through a difficult time in his life when left . L deeply regret what l done and l told him that and if l could turn the clock back l would . He said his life's on hold just now as he doesn't know if he is going to come home from work and find me gone again l have told him l am not going anywhere and that l want to be with him l made the biggest mistake of my life leaving him and l will never forgive myself for it he said if he has forgiven me he doesn't see why l can't . L am SCARED that she will try to take him away from me . L don't know what to do to make him believe me that l am here to stay . At the moment l cannot bring myself to look at this woman never mind talk to her , l know she was there for him , but why would he say she would talk to me when as l see it what happens between me and him is our business not hers and he lied to her when she asked if it had upset me that he went to visit her for 5 minutes in hospital last week . He even asked me to go in with him knowing how l felt about her .