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dadwhoneedshelp · Nov 28, 2006, 10:08 AM

I'm 36 and have a 16 year old son.
His mother moved to Scotland before he was born and 2 years ago died of cancer my son who I didn't even know about came to live with me.
However we didn't really take to each other.
Kyle(my son)had a stepdad who wasn't the most nice of people so he doesn't really trust people.
Last Year when I came home from work Kyle was after having shower and only had a towel around himself his legs were all cut and scared when I asked him what happened he just went in to his room and put his music on full blast.
He now hardly ever talks to me.
I just want to help but how can I get true to him??

valinors_sorrow · Nov 28, 2006, 10:41 AM

Forgive me but this isn't this situation being asked about all over again, is it?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...son-44136.html

dadwhoneedshelp · Nov 28, 2006, 02:41 PM

No.
But its sort of like my situation.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 28, 2006, 02:59 PM

Good, then you can appreciate how important it is that you change you first, then maybe you can have an impact on him? You accepted the wall he threw up and your task now is to reject the wall and accept the kid. Gently, with kindness but persistent firmness because you have a lot to offer him.

Bluerose · Nov 28, 2006, 05:56 PM

dadwhoneedshelp,

You say his mum moved to Scotland. Are you in the UK? Is your son in school? Can you give us some more information about your son and your relationship with him?

Gillybeans · Nov 29, 2006, 09:58 AM

It seems to me that you need to speak with your son, create some means of communication, you'll be surprised how much you can learn about him just by talking to him. It also might be a good idea to gain his trust as his father figure before obviously wasn't that great he needs to know that you're around for him.

dadwhoneedshelp · Nov 30, 2006, 09:02 AM

Ok what should I do to change me?
No I'm amarican but liven in ireland.
Ya my sons in 5th year in Secondary sch. (highschool).
What info do u want to know about him.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 30, 2006, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by dadwhoneedshelp

Ok what should I do to change me??

Originally Posted by dadwhoneedshelp

However we didn't really take to each other.

I believe the very first thing you need to change about you is your half of that statement. He rejected you and you rejected him right back. This may be subtle but trust me it REALLY matters. Kids have radar. If you are to have any success gaining the means to talk openly with him, then quit holding a view that is rejecting him. He has legitimate issues for mistrusting you even though it wasn't you specifically who hurt him. But what reason do you have for rejecting him right back? And it better not be all the stuff he has done since he arrived because I suspect if you are really honest here, you rejected him before anything had even occurred. Besides, its your job as a parent to overcome those things in your attitude, like it or not. You are the adult in this so its on you to make the moves.

dadwhoneedshelp · Nov 30, 2006, 11:21 AM

Ok I get what mean I guess I was just a bit afriad of having a kid.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 30, 2006, 11:26 AM

Originally Posted by dadwhoneedshelp

Ok I get what mean I guess i was just a bit afriad of having a kid.

That is perfectly understandable. But what do you think your son made of it? Perhaps that is where the door to meaning dialogue with him is. With your admission of your fear and letting him know his presence in your life, while being a challenge to someone who is not used to being a parent, is okay... that you are glad he is here... that you do indeed love him and are committed to figuring it all out together... but you need his help, his cooperation in it. And then asking him for it. It is the truth and truth has a way of being very healing sometimes. And if he says no, ask him to think about it, reiterating that you care. Then plan on demonstrating your care as an act of good faith meanwhile and asking him again later. His trust will come in baby steps if it comes at all. Just a thought?

imation · Nov 30, 2006, 05:14 PM

I may be able to give a fresh perspective.
I'm a 17 year old guy who ignores his single mother...
Lol OK so maybe it isn't that bad, we just don't have the best relationship
Personally I would hate it if my mum sat me down and started trying to reach out to me
And anything I said wouldn't be the truth anyway, I wouldn't want to share my secrets with her. Your son most likely has a friend or girlfriend he talks about it all to... that's the most likely scenario
I... truly don't know what you can do... sitting here thinking about it I'm not finding anything I would want my mum to start doing that would allow my to open up to her...
And if someone on this side of the situation can't think of anything... than a parent could only hit and miss with their attempts..
Try everything.. hire out his favourite movie and watch it with him, when its finished don't feel obligtated to start having a deep and meaningful conversation with him.. just be with him for now, just enjoy his company while he isn't seeking solace in his loud music like a lot of teenagers do

dadwhoneedshelp · Dec 12, 2006, 02:27 PM

I really am grateful 4 your help but it doesn't seem to be working.
Sitting him down and talking to him didn't work.
So then I tried what imation said that didn't seem to work either.
Any new ideas?