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    Moana1789's Avatar
    Moana1789 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 17, 2017, 01:29 PM
    Is my relationship affecting the children
    I've been in a relationship with my partner for 13 years have 3 beautiful children. We have issues in our relationship, I've tried to keep the children from seeing or hearing us argue but sometimes it's hard too. I don't want to go into details. I have been noticing things with my oldest son he's 10, the way he talks to me and the younger children with no respect very rude very much like his dad. A lot of little things with all the children that make me wonder if our relationship is affecting them.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,848, Reputation: 5428
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    #2

    May 17, 2017, 01:39 PM
    How do react to your partner when he disagrees with you? What do you tell your children? How do you react when they're disrespectful?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    May 17, 2017, 01:44 PM
    Yes. Of course. Take your fights elsewhere, even if you have to get a babysitter.

    Make dates at home too, to sit down with a drink or tea to talk quietly, when the kids are asleep. Pretend you are sitting there with a marriage counselor who gets $175/hr. Write down your grievances with each other, in one line each. Don't hash out events in detail. The idea is to get a general theme about what's wrong, and how you will compromise with each other.

    Keep in mind that sometimes the fight in earshot of the kids but behind closed doors can be worse than the one out in the open. It depends on the subject and how personal you get.
    Moana1789's Avatar
    Moana1789 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    May 17, 2017, 01:48 PM
    How do I react, we'll I try not to make him angry so usually I will apologise. When my children are disrespectful I tell them it's not nice to treat each other that way and send them for time out. It works for the younger children but my son not so much
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,848, Reputation: 5428
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    #5

    May 17, 2017, 01:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Moana1789 View Post
    How do I react, we'll I try not to make him angry so usually I will apologise. When my children are disrespectful I tell them it's not nice to treat each other that way and send them for time out. It works for the younger children but my son not so much
    Does your son hear you apologize to your partner when your partner is on your case about something, then tries that out himself?--talks back to see what you'll do? Then you apologize to your son who thinks, "Gotcha!"
    Moana1789's Avatar
    Moana1789 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    May 17, 2017, 02:08 PM
    I feel like my son has no respect for me the way he talks to me his behaviour towards me. He doesn't listen to me at all. I don't know how to talk to him without him getting angry at me and lashing out
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,848, Reputation: 5428
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    #7

    May 17, 2017, 02:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Moana1789 View Post
    I feel like my son has no respect for me the way he talks to me his behaviour towards me. He doesn't listen to me at all. I don't know how to talk to him without him getting angry at me and lashing out
    What does he get angry about and lash out about?
    Moana1789's Avatar
    Moana1789 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    May 17, 2017, 02:23 PM
    I don't know but it seems to be me. If I ask him to do something for example can you please put your school bag in your room he will just say no you do it. When I ask again he gets mad yells at me and calls me horrible names throws his bag at me and walks away. If I try to talk to him he just says don't talk to me I hate you.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #9

    May 17, 2017, 02:42 PM
    Your son has always loved you, until he reached an age where he, as is normal, also needs a role model, his dad.
    Suddenly he's all confused, because his dad is mean (is that the right word?) to you, the mother he wants to love.
    So he feels that he has to be like his dad, rude.
    He doesn't like it. He's conflicted. He doesn't totally understand it, and that makes him even angrier.
    If you and your husband can't learn how to put the children first and put aside petty differences and talk out real problems, and solve them, you will have 3 very screwed up kids.
    Get some help.
    Moana1789's Avatar
    Moana1789 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    May 17, 2017, 02:56 PM
    I always thought the children having both parents living together would be better for them. I love my children so much and like to think I put them first but it seems that's not the case. I try so hard to keep my partner happy so everything is OK I never stopped to think how he spoke to me or his actions towards me would affect the kids.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,104, Reputation: 10852
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    #11

    May 17, 2017, 03:01 PM
    Your boyfriend baby daddy is the one who needs the time out, but until you stand up for yourself, your son will model his dad, because that's what he sees that works. What else can he do if you have allowed this behavior. To save your son, you check your boyfriend's disrespectful behavior.

    If you don't know how, get some help, and if he doesn't join you get it for yourself to learn HOW to stand up for yourself. No doubt your son needs help, and right now you cannot help him until you help yourself.

    Are you dependent on him, or can you stand on your own? I call this an unhealthy form of abuse.

    Yes this relationship affects your children, in many long term lasting ways and your son is the first sign or warning that something is terribly wrong...wouldn't you say? Children need a good healthy role model to follow...AGREED?

    This ain't it! From either of you...change it!

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