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    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 11, 2014, 06:18 AM
    problems with the 29 year old
    I have two children from a previous marriage and one from my current marriage they are aged 29,27 and 21 I am having problems with the 29 year old? I have been married to my current husband for over 20years so all children he has provided for and brought up. The older children don't see their birth father. Our eldest son has always been a challenge and has never reached his full potential. He has been working abroad and has been back living with us for 4 months. He has been a nightmare, disrespectful, rude to me and others. He and his dad had a big argument because of this disrespect and my son then smashed the car window in temper. My husband told him to leave and he is currently living with his friend. He has no permanent work. This happened about 8 weeks ago. This has put a wedge between my husband and me because he won't let him come back in the family home until he changes. My husband arranged to meet him the other night and although he apologised for the car situation he says he thinks he has no reason to change. I have tried talking to him, I have been kind, angry but nothing seems to work. Do I step back from the situation and let him go for a while? I have always been over protective I admit
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Nov 11, 2014, 06:42 AM
    You should support your husband, and not allow the ADULT son, ( he is not a child anymore) to come home.

    If he ever comes home, he should have a job and pay rent, pay for car window being broken (first) and live by rules.

    You should have kicked him out of the house for the disrespt long before your husband had to

    I have no idea why this is a wedge between you, obviously you should not believe son needs to come back home??
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #3

    Nov 11, 2014, 06:47 AM
    Your husband is right. Your son is an adult and should be living on his own unless he is employed full time and paying rent.

    It's time for your son to learn some respect. Stop protecting him mom, he needs a good swift kick in the arse.
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Nov 11, 2014, 08:18 AM
    I know you are right but it is really hard for me any tips on trying to make it any easier or anymore thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated. It has come between myself and my husband because really don't like the fact that he can't come back to the family home and I really worry that he is OK. But I have tried an at a loss and feel in a very dark place right now
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #5

    Nov 11, 2014, 08:35 AM
    He is almost 30 years old. Time to cut the umbilical cord mom. You need to be supportive of your husband through this. After all, he is the one thinking reasonably.

    He he shouldn't come back to the family home. He is 29, not 9. At his age he needs to learn to sink or swim. You have raised him the best you can, now it's time to let him put what you taught him to work for him.

    You ou won't be here forever, he needs to learn to take care of himself. I hope he has no children.
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Nov 11, 2014, 08:47 AM
    No he has no children and us not currently in a relationship
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #7

    Nov 11, 2014, 08:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Peedles View Post
    No he has no children and us not currently in a relationship
    That's a good thing mom. You need to know that you raised him the best you could. Children don't come with a set of instructions.

    Now ow its time to let him stand on his own two feet. You can't rescue him forever. You and your husband need to provide a united front. You need to be on the same page. Your son is/was taking advantage of you. Being disrespectful of a parent is a game ender. He has shown his violent tendencies. He won't stop there if you let him back.

    In time he will learn the err of his ways. Right now, follow the lead your husband has provided. If you continue to coddle your son you are only doing him a disservice.
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Nov 11, 2014, 09:09 AM
    Do you really think and believe this? What if I lose him forever ?
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Nov 11, 2014, 09:16 AM
    Also when I say come back home my husband won't let him visit until he is ready to change and now my son has cut me off because I was strong with him the other day. What if he ends up in a mess I just worry so much I am not saying you are wrong with your advice at all but am finding it very hard
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,812, Reputation: 5431
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    #10

    Nov 11, 2014, 09:22 AM
    What kind of a mess are you thinking he could end up in?

    It's time he learns there are consequences for actions. Have you always bailed him out and smoothed out life for him?
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Nov 11, 2014, 09:43 AM
    In all honesty I suppose I have
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,812, Reputation: 5431
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    #12

    Nov 11, 2014, 09:47 AM
    What about his getting into a mess? What mess?
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Nov 11, 2014, 10:57 AM
    Well for instance if he can't get enough work to support himself and he ends up on the streets
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,812, Reputation: 5431
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    #14

    Nov 11, 2014, 11:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Peedles View Post
    Well for instance if he can't get enough work to support himself and he ends up on the streets
    Your first impulse will be to rescue him somehow. What do you think he will do if you don't do or say anything at all, just ignore the situation??
    Chloe Edwards's Avatar
    Chloe Edwards Posts: 38, Reputation: 3
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    #15

    Nov 11, 2014, 11:02 AM
    Hi Mom, all above there are right. You have done your job by making him understand what he is doing ! Now it is time for him to realize what is the value of "FAMILY". Just keep an eye whether he is fine or not but don't just go to him to call him back until he respects you and your husband.
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Nov 11, 2014, 11:10 AM
    Hi guys really appreciate thus help in all honesty not sure what he would do if I didn't contact him or did anything?
    Chloe Edwards's Avatar
    Chloe Edwards Posts: 38, Reputation: 3
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    #17

    Nov 11, 2014, 11:16 AM
    You are welcome. Just keep an eye on him, and don't worry. He is not a kid, mom.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,812, Reputation: 5431
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    #18

    Nov 11, 2014, 11:18 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Peedles View Post
    Hi guys really appreciate thus help in all honesty not sure what he would do if I didn't contact him or did anything?
    Could you take that step back and wait? Would you be strong enough to establish that boundary? It would be very [what?] ------
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,800, Reputation: 2674
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    #19

    Nov 11, 2014, 11:49 AM
    I call it initiating tough love. You will always be a mom but this is the time to NOT contact him, as he is probably just waiting for you to do so to throw more crap your way. Cut the apron strings, he will be fine I am sure, let him stew a bit and think about the situation he is in.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #20

    Nov 11, 2014, 11:50 AM
    ' I have always been over protective I admit'

    And that is a big reason why he is this way. Not all of it, and it isn't a matter of blame but of explanation. Each parent is some type of parent, so try not to feel bad, but keep the realization in your mind while you let your husband be the decisive one now.

    Think of it this way: You can coddle him at home forever, and he can end up dead or on the streets anyway, from drugs or suicide or who knows what. Why? From feelings of worthlessness, and watching his peers have careers and families. From misdirected anger at you and your husband, because he hates himself for being dependent on you. YOU CANNOT PROTECT AN ADULT CHILD!!!

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