Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    eljay1103's Avatar
    eljay1103 Posts: 146, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Jun 7, 2007, 12:05 PM
    Me or Gramma?
    I have a 14 month old bay girl, Im a young parent (19) my fiancée (21) I know we are young but we have it pretty much together; a good home for our daughter... she has a great father that takes care of our family, yes we are together. I don't work so we do live off his incomeso Im always home... which has its ups and downs.. But now here's the issue my mother supported me through everything and she's very very close to the baby and wants to take her every weekend faithfully... Now at the time I don't mind because like I said I am young and I feel like it's a break sometimes for me to go out. BUt then I start to think Im a bad parent for letting her out every weekend like if I wasn't responsible. I love my daughter very much and I want to show her that I can raise her the right way even though I had her at a young age and not that Im dumping her with gramma. Now the baby is getting really attached to my mother because she really really spoils her I don't know if it has to do with the baby sleeping with her when she spends the night at my moms house or what... Sometimes I feel jelous because she always wants her to hold her and pick her up... When my daughter gets older how do I let her know Im the boss? Sometimes I don't know if my daughter knows Im the mother? I don't know what to do I can't just take the baby away from my mom she's her life! I don't want to either my mom really helps me when I need her help... Should I not let the baby sleep out every weekend even if its with her grandparents?
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Jun 7, 2007, 12:25 PM
    That is a tough one. Your daughter knows who her mom is - so don't worry about that. It is good that she is close with her grandma.
    Have you ever not sent your daughter over for the weekend? If so, what was Mom's response? You are a growing family and your Mom knows it. She has supported you this far - she will continue. If you want to keep your daughter home one weekend or every weekend - then do so. Just talk to your Mom about your feelings - let her know what is in your head. I think she will understand.
    It doesn't have to be an either/or situation.
    eljay1103's Avatar
    eljay1103 Posts: 146, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Jun 7, 2007, 12:36 PM
    The whole confussion comes from being young, When my mother takes her Im free for that weekend and I can just hang... but then I feel guilty like I should be with my daughter, so the baby being with her feels like a relief but I don't know if Im just setting myself up for something bad in the future... There has been a weekend or two when she hasn't spend the night...
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    Jun 7, 2007, 12:51 PM
    You know, your mom reconizes that you are still young. That is probably why she offers to take your daughter for the weekend. She doesn't want you to feel the opposite of what you are currently feeling - like you are trapped.
    If you feel like you are a "bad" mom - then do 2 weekends a month. I don't think you are a bad mom for taking a break.
    And I don't think you are setting yourself up for anything - the more family - love you surround your daughter with - the better she will be.
    tawnynkids's Avatar
    tawnynkids Posts: 622, Reputation: 111
    Senior Member
     
    #5

    Jun 12, 2007, 11:20 AM
    When your daughter "gets older" will be too late to let her know you are the mom, not the boss. She needs to know you are her mother and your mom is her grandmother. You need to step up your responsibility with your child. I am sorry I realize this may sound harsh but I too had a daughter young, at 18. You deserve to have breaks just as every mother does. We all need time away and to ourselves. But if your daughters dependence is becoming so that it is totally in favor of her over you then the bond is being established with the wrong person. Which means you need to take more responsibility for your daughter and not SO much time for yourself. It is time to be a parent not a footloose teenager. Grandma can take your daughter one weekend a month, the rest of the time you need to be with your daughter and establish that bond with her. Maybe take an evening here or there a couple of times a month also. Not overnight just a couple of hours should be enough for you to have some you time. But it is no longer about you and it is time to grow up and she needs to be your first priority. Time to take the reins. You are the mom not the big helpful sister.
    eljay1103's Avatar
    eljay1103 Posts: 146, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #6

    Jun 12, 2007, 02:40 PM
    Well I want to start by saying I am not a "FOOTLOOSE" teenager... When my mother takes my daughter during the weekends Its not about me always going out... sometimes I take those weekends to clean my house and update my laundry or what not... I do recognize my responsibilities as a mother and take them gracefully not as a burden where leaving my daughter with my mom means a binge of parties. I don't know anything about you... but I know where Im from an 18 yr old teen with a baby lives with her mother and lives OFF her mother or parents, whatever the case... Thats not my case I steped up from being a teenager living at home doing whatever I want to being a mother in my own home... My question or problem wasn't about being responsible or owning up to being a mother... its was about my mother and the baby and how to set the boundries... I know Im a good mother and not the helpful sister...
    Thanks for your input it was appreciated
    templelane's Avatar
    templelane Posts: 1,177, Reputation: 227
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Jun 12, 2007, 03:07 PM
    I agree with knowwhat, if you take a break it could help you be a better mother. I'm not a parent but my gran did help raise me (my mum had to work as well as my dad) and I personally think it is a very natural thing. It is a shame that it happens less and less in today's soceity. I personally think a child should be raised by a group of adults, not just one or two -very idealistic I know!

    A happy mum wth a chance to relax and sort her life out (clean the house ect) is going to be a better mum. So don't feel guilty!

    I'm no expert but I just thought from your posts you were giving yourself too hard a time -everyone needs a break.
    eljay1103's Avatar
    eljay1103 Posts: 146, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #8

    Jun 12, 2007, 06:01 PM
    Temp... thanks, My gran also helped raise me I didn't have my father in the picture so my mom was always working... You know your right I think it's a natural thing Me my mother and my sister lived with my grandmother till I was 16 and then she passed... But I don't live with my mother that's why I was feeling the way I was
    Thanks for your input It was appreciated :)
    tawnynkids's Avatar
    tawnynkids Posts: 622, Reputation: 111
    Senior Member
     
    #9

    Jun 12, 2007, 07:57 PM
    "Now at the time I don't mind because like I said I am young and I feel like its a break sometimes for me to go out." "When my mother takes her I'm free for that weekend and I can just hang..."

    Since that was what you said above, it kind of leaves the reader to believe that is what you are trying to be, a footloose teenager. So, that would be what I would feel is objectionable.

    Taking time to recoup and regroup as a mom is a good thing. Sometimes it is the only way we can get anything done. I too left out on my own, had a husband (who was no help), my own place... so I know it can be hard.

    From your following post is sounds as if you are being responsible. Not out drinking and partying. That would not be a reason to have grandma keep baby. But going out once in awhile is good for you as well. The fact that you are concerned about your relationship with your daughter also shows responsibility and a love for your daughter.

    The best way to raise a child really is with a village. Lots of love and lots of support. So maybe you shouldn't feel your post should be titled "Me or Gramma" but rather "Me and Gramma". Because it isn't you or her. Your daughter can really benefit from having you both love and care for her so much. Realistically single parents often have to work full time and the children are with day care providers more than they are with the parents. And that is okay. It is the time you do spend with your children that can make the difference. Sometimes it just has to be quality not so much quantity.

    If your daughter is showing that the time away is maybe just a bit too much then maybe you could just cut back the time she is with Grandma. Maybe that would make you feel better as well and still give you the time you need.

    It sounds like you are a loving mom who struggles with the same issues a lot of moms struggle with. Just do your best and make adjustments, even temporarily, to fit the needs of you and your daughter at the times needed. Keep plugging the best you can and your daughter will know you love her and are there for her. But she does need a sane mom so take some time for you to do what you need or just to be alone, there is nothing to feel guilty about for that. :)
    eljay1103's Avatar
    eljay1103 Posts: 146, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Jun 12, 2007, 08:25 PM
    This post sounds much better than the one before... The one before made me feel as if you were calling me irresponsible or lazy... and that just wasn't the case, but now you seem to see where I'm coming from.. Thanks for taking time and answering on my post
    Lacey5765's Avatar
    Lacey5765 Posts: 157, Reputation: 50
    Junior Member
     
    #11

    Jun 14, 2007, 11:38 AM
    You are lucky to have support from your mother. It is wonderful that you have a mother who loves her daughter and grandaughter. What you are feeling is normal. It is great for children to bond with other family members. It will build her trust in others. You don't need to feel guilty for having some time for yourself . You are a young couple and need that time together. I know when I can take some time for myself or go on a date with my husband I feel refreshed and can't wait to be with my children again. You might address the sleeping together issue though. That could come back and haunt you. Your will never be replaced by anyone.
    vlee's Avatar
    vlee Posts: 454, Reputation: 109
    Full Member
     
    #12

    Jun 14, 2007, 02:08 PM
    If your mom and your child are happy about the arrangement and the only thing putting you off is guilt, then you either have to find a way to feel less guilty about it, or re-adjust the arrangement. Maybe you'd feel better keeping the child Friday nights and doing something together for a few afternoon hours on Saturday with your daughter and your mom, then leaving the baby with her and enjoying Saturday night and sleeping in on Sunday. I am sure if you explain to your mom that you'd like it if the three of you did things together more often instead of one of you and the baby that she'd be happy with that. Maybe you could make it so grandma gets the baby every Sat afternoon to Sun afternoon and then one whole weekend a month?. just some ideas.

    It is great to have that kind of love and support from your mom and to know she will always help care for your daughter, but it is equally important that your mom not take on too much responsibility because as you anticipated above, it could lead to your daughter running to grandma when she doesn't like your rules later, or to grandma coming down on you about your expectations of your daughter. I wish you all the best.
    eljay1103's Avatar
    eljay1103 Posts: 146, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #13

    Jun 15, 2007, 09:46 PM
    OMG! Talking about rules... My mothers says Im too harsh and mean to my daughter because I put her to bed before she falls asleep... She doesn't agree and calls me mean b.c I don't wait till she falls asleep on the couch or something to put her to bed, between the hours of 9 and 10:30 I give her a boddle and put her in her room. And I still think those hours are late! Now when I lay her down she doesn't cry or anything she doesn't even get scared to be in her room by herself b.c maybe after 10-15 minutes of being in her room she falls asleep... But if grammas at our house and I'm putting her to bed forget about it she will cry and cry to be taken out her room. It's like the baby knows she can get away with it with her... Then my mom makes me feel cruel b.c she sits by the stairs until she stop crying... That's just one of the things we don't agree on...
    rachelander's Avatar
    rachelander Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #14

    Jul 1, 2007, 10:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by tawnynkids
    When your daughter "gets older" will be too late to let her know you are the mom, not the boss. She needs to know you are her mother and your mom is her grandmother. You need to step up your responsibility with your child. I am sorry I realize this may sound harsh but I too had a daughter young, at 18. You deserve to have breaks just as every mother does. We all need time away and to ourselves. But if your daughters dependence is becoming so that it is totally in favor of her over you then the bond is being established with the wrong person. Which means you need to take more responsibility for your daughter and not SO much time for yourself. It is time to be a parent not a footloose teenager. Grandma can take your daughter one weekend a month, the rest of the time you need to be with your daughter and establish that bond with her. Maybe take an evening here or there a couple of times a month also. Not overnight just a couple of hours should be enough for you to have some you time. But it is no longer about you and it is time to grow up and she needs to be your first priority. Time to take the reins. You are the mom not the big helpful sister.
    I totally dissagree. I also had a son young, not quite as young as you, 22 yrs old. But I'm a good responsible mom of my now two year old. I've been married for five years and my husband and I are both great, but young parents. But, we never get a break. Consider yourself lucky that you have a mom close by that you can trust completely with your child I'd love that. If I drop my son off with someone, it's never family (because none live close by) so I am never completely at ease. I'd love be to able to leave him with grandma for a weekend and know he was happy and well cared for. If you're home with your child all week I am sure you to have a close mother/child bond. Maybe you should just limit the overnights to every other weekend and on the weekend where your child is with you plan some really fun and exciting outings together. Anyway, overall, you're lucky.
    eljay1103's Avatar
    eljay1103 Posts: 146, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member
     
    #15

    Jul 1, 2007, 10:57 PM
    Thanks Rachel for that very supportive answer... and startover... well my baby is my baby not my mothers and I know that she does not take on any obligational responsibilities with my daughter nor do I want or expect her to. Pay a babysitter? Why would I do that when Gramma would do it for free no questions asked... and money is not even the issue I know my daughter would be 100% safe and taken good care of... So why would I get a "Paid Babysitter" when I have that?
    rachelander's Avatar
    rachelander Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #16

    Jul 1, 2007, 11:46 PM
    Second to you, your mom loves your baby more than anyone else in the world does. She is going to take better care of her than any babysitter ever would. And she doesn't want money for it. It would be an insult to pay someone else to watch your daughter when your mom wants to just for the joy of it.

    Your mom may spoil your daughter, and it may seem like your daughter favors her, but she knows you're the mom. You are the one who has to tell her no, and not everything you do with her is going to fun like a weekend at grandmas, but when she really needs support she'll come to you. Don't worry too much about "being the boss" right now. Just be happy that your daughter has people who love her. : )
    rachelander's Avatar
    rachelander Posts: 15, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #17

    Jul 1, 2007, 11:49 PM
    One more thing though, Maybe you and Grandma should set some clear rules about the bedtime routine so that you don't end up looking like the bad guy. Yo don't want to sped all week working on a good routine to have your mom undo it during the weekend (even if she does mean well.)
    WeAreLost's Avatar
    WeAreLost Posts: 36, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #18

    Nov 7, 2007, 09:31 PM
    W[F]What [F]What should I say to my mom who has my daughter living there because I can't take her shopping at all I get by on a disability check. my mom she got millions anyway besides being blamed for all that goes wrong hasbeen done wrong I blamed and that's no even the tip.. What my older daughter told me today in the form of an email is that her sister 16 yrs old born to be wild sister thinks is that she doesn't. She in 1 st yr law school and just thinks life woud have been and would be much better without her. For one sister to be looking to shovel sand in your eyes its HJ the way she calls me and says JRs Facebook page has her friends asking her does she know how drunk she was how she couldn't walk, these are guys talking her crap that is not cool at all. I told my Mom that Jaclyn has to be grounded now and till there is some changes. Jaclyn has not had to do anything living wiyh her Gma with idle threats because she has to pay the maid extra just to clean her room. Fresh mouth loud sreams and lets it out that she don't care about me I not a father Im a failure Im a druggy. Its all a matter of interpretation, as in if Im told what Ive done according to my Moms thinking and were told we don't tattle what goes on here to your father. When your punished only in the last 6years when your Dad does something that pisses off Gma how they both say ,(separately)she takes it out on them whatever or whenever Ive rocked the boat. Not having to rock the boat just if Im not there waiting or anticipating her what I should be doing.. I think I real worried this is the point where she could get killed many ways entering the world of drinking drugs sex Im now sure its all the behavior. She in private school now and is repeating last year. Her teachers all say Jaclyn doecnt hand in homework or finish ASSIGNMENTS THIS IS GOING ON SIX YEARS NOW Their mom had a stroke in 2000 and has gone from 100% total loss of everything to coming back only to be beaten back by seizures like gran mal every 3 month. So its not just spoiled rotten kids who never have had any real happen. Its just that that to is like an other excuse to ast out. Reasons for that's what my Mom looks for the reason she's like this because of she's like her Mother. But all the background in the world won't change the fact that because she been busted, for getting drunk now, she in my mind needs grounding, now till changes are seen she can't have a conversation with me without going off on me screaming at me I know she got away with a lot I clam up when she screams at me curses Im so hurt by it Its so bad I don't argue I LEAVE THE AREA DROP HER OFF BUT WHEN I LEAVE WHEN SHE OUT OF THE CAR IM OVERWHELDED BY THIS BLANKET OF PAIN THAT I FEEL AS I DRIVE AWAY LEAVING HER AT GMAS, I DIE A 1000 TIMS OVER AND OVER SOMETIMES IT TAKES ME 2 DAYS TO BE ABLED TO STOPPED WANTING TO KILL MYSELF TO STOP CRYING. AND NOW IVE BEEN TRYING TO BE STRONG AND NOT CALL TO BE UP BEAT LIKE IT ALL OK WHEN ITS NOT. THINKING AND ITS WORKING TO DISTANCE MYSELF WITH SPACE AND TIME.
    BUT KNOW SHE NEEDS ME TO PUT BOUNDARIES ON WHAT AND WHERE SHE CAN GO OR DO
    WeAreLost's Avatar
    WeAreLost Posts: 36, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #19

    Nov 7, 2007, 09:47 PM
    All I Can Tell You Short And Sweet Think Of This What If Your Mom Steps Up Her Influence And Steps Up Her Buying Your Daughter, Your Daughter Won't Know What's Better You Or Gma And All Of Sudden You Loose Your Daughter Because Your Mom Takes Her Bye Bye
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member
     
    #20

    Nov 7, 2007, 09:52 PM
    I agree with letting your mom see her, but she also needs to understand there will probably be weekends that you will want to keep her at times.
    Your mother should not undermine how you raise your daughter. If she does it at grandma's that is grandma's rules. Grandma's house can be for the treats. If you let her fall asleep on the sofa she will learn not to have structure. She needs to know there is a bedtime set by you at your house or she will get into a bad habit and by the time she starts school it could cause problems. Not to mention when are you suppose to have quit relaxing time for yourself and your husband if she is sitting on the sofa until who knows when? That drove me crazy when my four were little I would be dead tired and never could count on their bed time (9:00 -11:30 -1:30?) so I NEVER had time to unwind for myself. Image your daughter getting dysfunctional with her bed time and then you end up with MORE kids that follow that example... exhausting!

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.



View more questions Search