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lsmith2201 · Jan 9, 2010, 06:30 PM

My son actually seems normal. He works and he is actually kind some of the time, he does nice things, but then the abnormal sneaks in. He told me to stop crying right in front of my co-workers when my other son had just been killed. He once threw a very heavy object at me that if had not been stopped by a post could have killed me. He doesn't want me to associate with certain people because he says they are using me. Maybe they are, but they are kinder to me than he is. In growing up, his father was very abusive to me, so I feel responsible for my son's problems, but now I am older and I don't need nor do I want to be careful what I do or say around him. Should I just put him out of my life, or should I remain open to his abuse (He doesn't call it abuse).

Fr_Chuck · Jan 9, 2010, 07:23 PM

So why do you even visit or see him, don' call, don't invite him over and just ignore him

lsmith2201 · Jan 9, 2010, 07:29 PM

He is currently out of the country, but he emails and phones me. He was upset because I had one of his old girlfriends and her family over for the holidays. I know he is wrong. I just am not sure if I am right to give up without trying to help him. I am his mother.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 9, 2010, 07:38 PM

Explain once that his actions are not needed or wanted, and you will hang up the minute he starts fussing or becomes upset. And so it.

He has to want help and you are only being a victim, one who has gotten used to it. Stand up for yourself

Gemini54 · Jan 9, 2010, 08:33 PM

You can't change your son, but you can change your response to him. The first thing that you need to decide is that you will not allow him to bully you. He doesn't like who you associate with? Big deal. It''s your life.

The best thing with these sorts of people is not to respond. Reward the good behavior, completely ignore the bad behavior. If he sends you critical or abusive emails, ignore them and don't respond (save them to another folder so you can't see them).

If he is abusive over the phone, tell him, very calmly that you're not prepared to talk to him any more, and hang up.

If he physically abuses you again, call the police.

Your son is an adult now and his mental health is HIS responsibility. The only way you can associate with him is to protect yourself. Put strong boundaries in place and stick to them. Don't allow him to manipulate you with guilt or bully you.

You've been in one abusive relationhsip, don't allow yourself to be in another - even if he is your son.