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    meelanie's Avatar
    meelanie Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jul 24, 2014, 03:24 PM
    How do you deal with a 12 year old boy who is disrespectful and rude to all adults?
    My son is 12 and is very rude and disrespectful to me and his 15 year old sister. The other day he got into a confrontation with two other boys and when one of the mothers jumped in he started calling her names and being very rude and disrespectful. Then one of the moms told him she was going to spank his butt with a wooden spoon and he said to her" I dare you, come on hit me!" I know this mom would not do that but tells him daily that he needs to be spanked with one. I do not know what to do as far as consequences cause taking electronics away and grounding him from playing outside does not work.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,799, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert

    Jul 24, 2014, 03:31 PM
    How is he doing in school? What do his teachers say about his behavior?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member

    Jul 24, 2014, 03:41 PM
    He wouldn't have any games of any kind, he would not have a computer to use freely, you control it, you oversee when he uses it and it would ONLY be used for homework. he would not have a TV in his room, and a number of other things to start with.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646

    Jul 24, 2014, 04:19 PM
    Soap in the mouth and wooden spoons on the buttocks used to work.

    Where is his father in all this?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Jul 24, 2014, 05:04 PM
    I think the other mother has a good idea. She may not be spanking him, but you should. A good whack on the butt never hurt anyone. Back in the day, when I was a kid, you mouthed off, or broke the rules, and you got the lieberschwan (wooden spoon). You thought twice before misbehaving.

    Sounds like he's doing this because he gets away with it. Respect is learned and earned. If he does whatever he wants, with no real punishment, how is he going to learn to respect you or any other adult?

    The punishments you're giving him don't matter enough for him to stop his behavior. Time to up the ante.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,799, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert

    Jul 24, 2014, 05:16 PM
    Is this something new, or has he always pushed the envelope and lashed out at others? If it's the latter, what punishment(s) did he receive and from whom? Or was his bad behavior ignored?

    Are there upsets in the family with an absent dad or (maybe older) sibs also out of control?
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member

    Jul 25, 2014, 08:51 AM
    How long has he behaved this way? What was his behavior like when he was younger? Has he been exposed to name calling in the home? As was asked, has there been more recent changes in his life... family changes, school issues, etc? Does he have an issue with anger? Any difficulties with learning? What is his sister's behavior like?

    Unfortunately, if a spanking is being considered at 12, he didn't learn manners, respect, and how to handle disagreements as he should have when he was younger. If his misbehavior has been ongoing since he was younger, be prepared for him to challenge any change you try to implement.

    If the grounding and taking away of his "toys" hasn't been working, you need to find his "currency"... what is it that he values?

    You could call a family meeting and sit everyone down to discuss the concerns and explain what will no longer be tolerated. Simple, to the point, no arguing, matter of fact. Discuss consequences for both making appropriate decision as well as inappropriate ones. Put it up on a chart on the wall if you have to as a visual reminder. Stay consistent, if discipline is needed, tell why and remind him of a more appropriate choice for next time.

    If you can't turn things around on your own, consider family counseling. If he is a handful at 12, consider what he may be like at 16.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Jul 25, 2014, 11:53 PM
    The fact that he is 12 years old, means that the problem of him being rude, aggressive, and disrespectful to his family, and other children and adults, you've had plenty of time to think about this problem, because it's gone on a long time.

    I think it's being brought up now, because he's heading into the teen years, and what you see now, will only manifest when he's in his teens.

    If he were 4 years old and continuously running into traffic, and scolding and reprimand doesn't work, I'd smack his rear because it would be a rude awakening, and he would remember the consequence to running into the road because he would know, that he is not supposed to.

    That he is 12, is far beyond the spanking to make his bad behavior change.

    I don't know what you have done except make an effort with his video games, and grounding him from playing outside. I doubt you carried through with the punishment because it hasn't made a dent, and no kid that age wants to lose his electronic toys.

    If you don't get a grip on this behavior, it will only get worse as he goes through his teen years. You are doing him no favors by failing at parenting.

    I suggest you go and speak to a counselor who is skilled with troubled kids. There is nothing easy, or new, in learning how to parent, but it is important that you learn what you need to do, in order to parent your son, and control through effective discipline. What you're doing now isn't working, and you don't mention what has been done before. I assume his school has had some conversation with you?

    Before this kid presents you with what is already on the wall combined with grief you cannot imagine, get into counseling to learn what you need to learn.

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