Hi I'm new to this site and I'm needing a little advie about my fiancés (soon to be husband) children. We've been together for 4 years and were getting married in a week and half. He has 4 kids from 19 to 10 but the big problem right now is his 12 year old daughter. She is honestly a very smart girl (gets straight As), is involved with sports, has a lot of friends, does things around the house without being told, etc. But her problem is her major attitude and disrespect. His 12 and 10 year old girls live with us and they see their mom everyother weekend. Well lately she has been extreamly out of control. We found out she had a Facebook even though we had told her she could not have one. She then lied to our face about it and got her phone taken away for a week. Her attitudes and fits have me at my wits in though. She will yell at me and her dad, tells me I'm stupid, in the past she has even kicked me and spit on me ( which caused me and my fiancé to have a brief split), when she's told no she litteraly turns into a demon. And its worse after they come back from their mothers. I know she is 12 and going through puberty so that has a lot to do with her moods and I know their mother puts a ot of crap in their heads but in my opinion that does not excuse her for her actions. We really do have a good reltaionship so its not that she hates me because she acts this way to her dad and other adults as well Well we have a vacation to Florida planned soon and I do not think she should be allowed to take her phone... the phone only causes problems, and we are planning on getting married on the beach (the kids don't know that yet because we don't want their mother starting more crap) and I just honestly don't think she needs to take it. She's actually grounded from it now, has been for 2 weeks because of her attitude. I told my fiancé this is a family vacation. Not a text my friends every minute and tell mom every little thing that happens vacation. If they want to talk to their mother they can use one of our phones. But my fiancé disagrees. He said she can take it even though he is constantly complaing on how she doesn't need or deserve the phone. Idk I'm just at my boiling point. Do u think ishe should take it or am I right? And what do I do about her complete disrespect?

I don't have daughters (just two sons and cats), but I'll venture some guesses:

1) she's 12 (hormones)
2) she's angry (she wants Mom and Dad back together again)
3) she's vengeful (how dare someone try to take my mom's place)
4) she may getting a diet of venom from other sources

Is there some way to become her friend rather than her stepmom?

I agree with WG in that is there a way for you to become her friend?

She's at a delicate age, even my own daughters were complete hounds at that age, there 18 and 19 now, ill let you know when they grow out of it!

For me I would be consistent about the phone,she's grounded from using it, stick to your guns.

Never ever bad mouth her mother,in fact defend her, no matter what her mother says she will always love her,no matter how toxic, but as she gets older she will see that.

For you, its not going to be easy, be consistent,respect her and in turn she will respect you.

Your fiancé and you need a plan on how your going to deal with this, example,will he back you up if you ground her for something else? You have to show a you're a team, a strong team.

I'm not so sure about keeping the wedding a surprise, that may lead to more problems then you bargained for, don't let his ex dictate your wedding day, your getting married.. end of! She's going to find out anyway, and so are the kids.

I would be upfront about it, this is the plan and its not up for debate,tell the 12 year old we want you to come, but if you don't want to you can stay with your mom... give her options, BUT you and your partner decide the options, not her.

I think that you and your husband have to re-think how you discipline this young girl.

When you take away her cell phone for example, for her attitude problem, do you tell her when she can get it back? Do you tell her what she needs to do in order to get the phone back, and explain clearly, together, why it is being taken away?

If you take the phone, and wait for her to have a change of attitude, you and her, have no idea how long that is going to happen. It could take five years for her attitude to change, do you keep the phone for five years?

What you are trying to do is change the behaviour, that results from the attitude.For example, when she is rude or disrespectful, allow her an opportunity without major consequence, to change direction. And, by that I mean, tell her that if she continues with what she's doing (hissy fits etc), she will be losing privledges, which include the phone.

Give her time to think about the alternative to not stopping with the hissy fit. Then, if it continues, or get worse, tell her you gave her an opportunity and a warning to stop, and because she didn't stop, she'll lose her phone for 12 hours. A specific amount of time.

IF you are consistent, and give her a warning to CHOOSE to change direction and attitude, and clearly tell her there will be a loss of privilege if she CHOOSES not to stop, she will eventually get the message that she's far better off going to her room for an hour to avoid losing her phone.

As to the wedding, it will be a huge surprise for her to suddenly be at a wedding, instead of a family vacation. I'm not so sure that is the right thing to do, only to avoid potential problems from her mother. You know her better than I do, but if I were in her shoes, I'm not so sure I'd react to such a huge surprise, in a good way. I would weigh the decision knowing that if she has a negative reaction, it could be a disaster, and she will resent you for it.

I would allow her her cell phone, and tell her when you inform her about the wedding, that on the day of the wedding, the cell phone will be off limits until after the ceremony. You don't need a ringing phone, or the distraction of her texting during the ceremony, and that is reason enough.

As to Facebook, kids that age communicate as much with that, as they do their phones. That's just the way it is. Why not try to compromise, and tell her that she can have a Facebook account, but you will be monitoring her use of it. Tell her it is not to snoop, but to keep her safe. If she follows the rules, and uses it approprately, I wouldn't see a problem with it.

Just remember she is quite able to control herself, as she does at school, and with all her friends, etc. She is also quite capable of controlling herself at home.

Appropriate consequences, with specific warnings, clearly stating more consequences if she doesn't choose to change directions, has to be consistent and meaningful.

Try to think of allowing her an opportunity to think for herself, and make appropriate choices, rather than expecting that her attitude will change, just because other people want it to. It has to be self directed.