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    andisusan's Avatar
    andisusan Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 9, 2014, 01:49 AM
    Help me please I have a broken heart
    Hi I need HELP please. I have been a single Mom for 15 years. My husband died, and I have raised my 20 year old alone. We adopted her at birth.

    My daughter has stolen money, committed felonies and this June I was going to take her to Vegas and she spent $500 on my credit card. She has no remorse. Out of pure frustration I sent her to a life coach and now she is blaming me, saying that she was the Mom in our relationship.

    I gave up my career. Never had a man sleep over and have helped her, her whole life. We are estranged and my HEART IS BROKEN. MY DAUGHTER IS COLD AND MEAN.

    PLEASE GIVE ME ADVISE?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #2

    Sep 9, 2014, 02:47 AM
    It is very common for a child to be mean, defiant, blaming, and rebellious from the teens through the 20s (and beyond, sometimes), for countless reasons. We can't possibly know what her reasons are, or how your life together resulted in this.

    When a parent dies, sometimes a child blames the parent who lives. Sometimes when there is just one parent and one child, the parent clings to that child for their meaning of life, and it's a burden on the child. This might be what she is trying to say; that you 'need' her too much by giving too much, and can't let her be an adult and let her go. Not only that, but you talk in terms of your sacrifice for her, also part of the burden on her. Is she responsible for your happiness? No, you are. You talk about all you gave up but say nothing about what you have done for YOURSELF to have a life of your own. So if anyone needs a life coach, it's you.

    I think that each of you needs some individual therapy. And a mother-daughter trip to Vegas is the last thing to do with a 20 year old who steals. It's an artificial world centered on money and glitz.

    Spend some time talking! If it needs a quiet restaurant or coffee shop, fine. Start with her father, memories. Let her talk and ask questions. Move to her future, what she wants out of life. Again, let her talk.
    I'm not saying it's easy, and she might not even want to talk. Good luck.
    If I'm reading the wrong things into what you have said, my apologies.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #3

    Sep 9, 2014, 05:14 AM
    She's an adult now... evict her if she's living with you, if she's not , then stop giving her anything, or access to anything you own. Change the locks on your place so she doesn't have access.

    When she has to spend every waking moment earning enough money to pay her bills... its time she attended the School of Hard Knocks.

    I'm sorry but there is line between youthful rebellion and cold blooded criminal activity. And she crossed it. I'd start by calling your credit card company and tell them unautherized charges were made without your knowledge or concent. Assuming you haven't already paid them and its not past the 90 day period most give to dispute charges.

    My parents would have done anything for me... but if I had pulled any of those stunts, I would have been left out on my own.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #4

    Sep 9, 2014, 05:39 AM
    As long as you are still parenting a 20 year old, I don't know what you expect.

    Problems with your adult child have gone on probably far longer than the few examples you have posted.

    Why do you expect change now?

    A life coach is a good idea if a person is willing to get their life in order, but it seems that backfired on you, and turned into you being both the cause of her problems, and a victim of them too.

    You sound desperate, and you're looking for help.

    I don't know what you provide for her- a car, money, clothes, internet, etc.- or, is she working and contributing or paying for her own basic needs? At 20 she should be, whether she likes it or not, working and supporting herself. Or working toward a degree so she can support herself. What is she doing to work toward her independence, and what are you doing that is holding her back.

    I agree with Joy that you should both be in therapy. You need to learn how to set boundaries and expectations, and she needs to learn that at her age her being so dependent (by any means- i.e. guilt trips on you) need to be addressed. You are doing her no favours by not allowing her to grow up. You are holding her back from living an independent life by continuing to support her far more than an adult should need to be supported.

    Please consider counseling, at least for yourself. You need support and the tools to work with your daughter to get her life going in the right direction, as well as confidence that you can set boundaries and controls in your own home, with appropriate consequences.

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