Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    BackByNoon's Avatar
    BackByNoon Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jul 8, 2014, 04:49 PM
    FiancÚ problems.
    Ok so here's the skinny...

    My fiancÚ and I have been engaged for a few months now and before then we have been dating for almost 4 years. We are 21 (myself) and 20 (her) but we aren't getting married until she finishes her college classes at the end of December.

    During this current time, he wave been discussing things and making plans. One of which include our children and religion. Now, I'm not atheist but I don't follow a certain religion (meaning I just don't go to church or say a prayer at supper and so forth), although my family are all Presbyterian. Her family are strictly Catholic and study it heavy. My fiancÚ has told me, as we discussed this, that our children will be getting Christened and then later Baptised. Following that, she said that our children will be going to church regardless of my liking or not.

    What I didn't understand is that my opinion (that I would rather not force our kids into religion and to let them decide when they can do so) was instantly neglected and I was called out on it in a hateful manner. Since then it has been avoided that we should ever talk about it. According to her faith and by her words "they're my children and therefore I will raise them as Catholics because I will be the mother and it's the better option".

    My question is; What is right and what can I do? Reasoning with her would be like trying to convince a vegetarian to eat meat. She will listen, but she will respectfully give the answer no. I don't attempt to force anything upon her from myself, however, I feel as if she "guilt trips" me into feeling bad for not taking up the Catholic way.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Jul 8, 2014, 05:17 PM
    Money, sex, religion, and politics. Those are always the four (probably) points of disagreement, among close friends and between couples. You can agree to disagree, but that usually leaves someone smoldering silently. Would she be open to visiting other church bodies as your children grow up so that they understand a bit where others are coming from? Would she expect you to attend church with her and the children and even take classes toward conversion? What's your beef with Catholicism?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #3

    Jul 8, 2014, 05:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by BackByNoon View Post
    Ok so here's the skinny...

    My fiancÚ and I have been engaged for a few months now and before then we have been dating for almost 4 years. We are 21 (myself) and 20 (her) but we aren't getting married until she finishes her college classes at the end of December.

    During this current time, he wave been discussing things and making plans. One of which include our children and religion. Now, I'm not atheist but I don't follow a certain religion (meaning I just don't go to church or say a prayer at supper and so forth), although my family are all Presbyterian. Her family are strictly Catholic and study it heavy. My fiancÚ has told me, as we discussed this, that our children will be getting Christened and then later Baptised. Following that, she said that our children will be going to church regardless of my liking or not.

    What I didn't understand is that my opinion (that I would rather not force our kids into religion and to let them decide when they can do so) was instantly neglected and I was called out on it in a hateful manner. Since then it has been avoided that we should ever talk about it. According to her faith and by her words "they're my children and therefore I will raise them as Catholics because I will be the mother and it's the better option".

    My question is; What is right and what can I do? Reasoning with her would be like trying to convince a vegetarian to eat meat. She will listen, but she will respectfully give the answer no. I don't attempt to force anything upon her from myself, however, I feel as if she "guilt trips" me into feeling bad for not taking up the Catholic way.
    Seriously dude... I'm a guy and I just can't side with you on this just based on your own choice of words... not to mention what you are implying by them.

    You feel your fiancÚe isn't entitled to an opinion at all, because she's not your equal and unworthy of having an opinion... or has a faith stronger than your own.

    You are an agnostic... so damn what anyone else things... your kids will be raised agnostic and the hell with what the mother has to say or think on the subject. Even though SHE is the one who will be carrying the child for nine months and going through all the crap pregnant women have to suffer through... not to mention the almost incessant breast feeding for much of the first year.

    Sorry, but what you ARE doing IS attempting to force this upon her, FROM yourself, and your own opinion.

    Seriously... dial back on the "UGH, me man...you woman...do what I say". Your marriage is doomed before it even starts if you don't "get" what I'm saying. A marriage is a partnership of equals... you aren't hiring a housekeeper and a personal hooker. You don't get everything your way... so you better get used to it now... or you are going to spend a lot of time sleeping on the couch.. not getting ANY sex for long periods. And a likely divorce where you will be handing over 1/2 of your income to her in child support (until the child or children are between 18 and 21 and mght even include College tuition, PLUS her alimony... while she sleeps with someone else, THAT last part doesn't end until she remarries... the child support doesn't end even if she does.

    If you really are so apathetic towards faith... then why the big stink from you about it? I'm a Protestant... my Wife is Catholic... its never been an issue for us... We were actually married in a Catholic Church.....without me having to join it...we've attended both churches of both our faiths over the 20+ years we've been married....there really isn't all that big a difference between Protestant and Catholic when you get down to the important stuff.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #4

    Jul 8, 2014, 05:22 PM
    I agree with your 3d paragraph. The mother raises the children. So are you saying you don't believe is freedom of religion? Why should the kids be deprived of some religion, it would be better to lead the kids in a good way and when they are older let them decide if they want to continue. "It is better to believe in something and find that it is not true than to believe in nothing and find that it is true". Just my thoughts.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member
     
    #5

    Jul 8, 2014, 05:37 PM
    BackByNoon... it is very traditional for children to be raised in the Catholic church when one of the parents is Catholic... certainly when the parent feels strongly about their faith and beliefs. While many children who are raised in a particular faith will remain following that religion when older, many others will use that foundation and build upon it; learning about other religions or denominations and sometimes making a change. It provides a foundation, which they may or may not continue when they are older and are at an age when they can make reasoned and thoughtful decisions.

    Now, granted, it sounds as though she could have presented her reasoning in a less "my way or tough" kind of manner, but you'll have to decide whether or not it's that big of an issue for you, given your own beliefs, or is it more how she stated it that bothers you?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
    Expert
     
    #6

    Jul 9, 2014, 01:08 AM
    In your way, they kids are rasied your faith, and then decide,? Decide what, they have had no christian education, to compare and decide.

    So they are raised Catholic, and then decide later, if they want to keep it.

    I do think, you are wrong, Catholics do baptism on infants, So the baby should be baptized, very shortly after birth. The christening, is more protestant where, they are not baptized till they are 12 or so.

    You do do not agree... so you have no real faith, but attempt to say you have faith, should not object to the children getting education in one. If you wish to educate them in a protestant faith, ( if you find one, you want) that should be allowed at that point.

    So expect that they will be going to church,, and often wanting you to go...

    Church will be also many social activities, which she will be doing without you, if you do not go.
    BackByNoon's Avatar
    BackByNoon Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Jul 10, 2014, 09:11 PM
    Well the thing is that I do value her opinion and I never said I didn't like it. I don't believe there's any reason to hate someone's opinion, I just wasn't too fond of the way she got on to me about my opinion. I mean, of course I know we won't agree on a lot of things, but I would at least like to have some say in our decisions. Everything so far has been about what she wants and likes and my ideas or opinions are literally thrown out of thought.

    So I've taken into thought everyone's answers, however, what I was looking for the most was advise based on if this is a topic that both opinions should be considered rather than just hers (which was the problem). In no way do I have any hate towards any other religion. She's just insisting that I become Catholic because as she did say (and it was stated above) our children will be Catholic regardless of if I like it or not, though I never once told her I was opposed.

    What I'm trying to say is that I would like to be a part of our kid's lives and not let all their choices be decided by their mother (which is how it currently is, my fiancÚ doesn't let me make any decisions).

    @Fr Chuck... You see, I've gone to Church since I was a toddler and up until I was 19 and moved out. Because of my work schedule, going to church on Sunday isn't an option for me. I want to go but even with the chance, I usually end up with my fiancÚ at her mother's when they get back from church and before hand, I'm with my parents, taking care of them as they can't do so themselves. I could go to church if I could, it isn't a big deal, though more things usually come first. I do strongly believe in God and I admit that I let other things come before some time for prayer, but that doesn't mean I have any less faith than the next person. There's no such thing as a perfect man/woman of faith.

    Please don't get me wrong, I'm not hating your comment and I do appreciate your input and time that you've taken to say so, there have just been things that take place of the little time I have, even though I do attempt a prayer here and there.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #8

    Jul 10, 2014, 10:12 PM
    Your statement "that I would rather not force our kids into religion and to let them decide when they can do so" seems like to little to late. Doesn't sound like you will be around and to busy to raise the kids, do yourself a favor and let your wife decide. One thing you have to learn is, Catholics take their religion very seriously and if you can't accept that then maybe you are not ready to get married.
    BackByNoon's Avatar
    BackByNoon Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Jul 10, 2014, 10:45 PM
    @Catonsville I do understand what you're saying and I do agree with that statement. It's just that I have 3 days off in a row which may not mean anything but I do use all the time I do have (that isn't running errands such as the grocery list or bills for my fiancÚ and I as well as my parents) with her and her family. I'm not exactly sure what it has to do with anything when I add that both of her parents believe my fiancÚ is spoiled rotten and they know they didn't raise her that way. Don't get me wrong, I love her and her family to death just as much as I do myself and my family. I just wish that sometimes she could give me a break, I do try my best to be a great guy to her and hopefully a great father when that time comes. The thing I'm just concerned with is that I try to do all I can with her religion and her beliefs and how she was raised, however, when it comes to my side of the religion, everything I have to say is tossed out the window. I'm not saying I boss her around or force her to do anything, I would just like to compromise with her about how the children will be raised is all, both including religion and times when religion isn't the topic at hand, such as school and some rules.

    Like I was attempting to say, I don't feel as if she's taking my opinions or ideas into consideration. Not saying I want it my way. Does that make better sense?
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #10

    Jul 10, 2014, 11:34 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by BackByNoon View Post
    @Catonsville I do understand what you're saying and I do agree with that statement. It's just that I have 3 days off in a row which may not mean anything but I do use all the time I do have (that isn't running errands such as the grocery list or bills for my fiancÚ and I as well as my parents) with her and her family. I'm not exactly sure what it has to do with anything when I add that both of her parents believe my fiancÚ is spoiled rotten and they know they didn't raise her that way. Don't get me wrong, I love her and her family to death just as much as I do myself and my family. I just wish that sometimes she could give me a break, I do try my best to be a great guy to her and hopefully a great father when that time comes. The thing I'm just concerned with is that I try to do all I can with her religion and her beliefs and how she was raised, however, when it comes to my side of the religion, everything I have to say is tossed out the window. I'm not saying I boss her around or force her to do anything, I would just like to compromise with her about how the children will be raised is all, both including religion and times when religion isn't the topic at hand, such as school and some rules.

    Like I was attempting to say, I don't feel as if she's taking my opinions or ideas into consideration. Not saying I want it my way. Does that make better sense?
    I know what you are saying. It looks like it is still a matter of "your way" or "her way" and not the religious sticking point. Let me ask you a few questions, since you are the one who is having the problem of giving in and your fianc'e is not speaking out on here. Is it a deal breaker if you don't get your way? Is what she wants a bad thing? Is it really all that important to you? It is something that is very important to her. Your religion is not as strong as hers, not saying you are not religious. You need to get this settled and hopefully you can find happiness in what ever the final solution turns out to be. Over and out.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #11

    Jul 11, 2014, 05:04 AM
    I am still getting that you still consider your own opinion to have more value than her opinion.

    And Catholic or Protestant... both are still the Christian faith... and I don't see why you are making such a stink about it. Its almost like arguing about Raising them Methodist as opposed to Baptist.

    If she was some other religion... then I would see a lot more validity to your objections.

    Just because a kid was raised in one church doesn't mean they can never go to another... or won't go to another... I for one was raised Methodist... but I no longer attend a Methodist church because I just can't abide by a number of things they are supporting these days.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,100, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #12

    Jul 12, 2014, 08:58 AM
    I will start by telling you upfront to forget the whole notion of your kids choosing what they want for a religion. That's a decision for later, when they are grown. That she is adamant about her religion is a choice she makes and should not be asked to budge from. You have that choice also, so I think is the reasonable compromise that your children should be raised in both your religions? Of course it is. I think the missing factor in all this is she will make this a priority, and you will not, or as stated DON'T. You have different priorities.

    I think what you are really dealing with are your own feelings about how she seems to dismiss your opinion, which is what needs to be addressed between you. Instead of letting your resentment over this PERCEIVED slight get your undies in a bunch see the value of her making the raising of your future kids as a priority, and let the resentment go. LOL, if you made your religion as great a priority as she makes hers, there would be one helluva conflict to resolve over which to observe, wouldn't it?

    I think it would help if YOU HONESTLY expressed that resentment, and maybe some changes can be made to assuage those feelings she projects at you. That's how I would have approached this situation, and not let the resentment grow any further. Honest communications my friend, in a loving way that your partner can understand.

    I wouldn't want my opinion dismissed either, no one would, so you teach her to acknowledge and respect even if she is doesn't agree or intends to follow whatever your opinion or advice is. It's a mutual learning thing for you both. Trust me, it won't be the issue that causes conflict in the future, but the way you treat each other about it. LOL again, you are so busy feeling dismissed, you may be missing other important details about the COSTS of being raised in a Catholic religion, and it's a lot more than just church on Sunday or a bake sale on Saturday.

    Catholic school is EXPENSIVE, in both time and money, and commitment. Your resentment seems to have made you think short term instead of long term, or get facts of the details of HER commitment, and you seem to dismiss it all with thinking she is just spoiled. You better think again my friend, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Much more will be revealed later.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
    Uber Member
     
    #13

    Jul 12, 2014, 12:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by BackByNoon View Post
    The thing I'm just concerned with is that I try to do all I can with her religion and her beliefs and how she was raised, however, when it comes to my side of the religion, everything I have to say is tossed out the window. I'm not saying I boss her around or force her to do anything, I would just like to compromise with her about how the children will be raised is all, both including religion and times when religion isn't the topic at hand, such as school and some rules.

    Like I was attempting to say, I don't feel as if she's taking my opinions or ideas into consideration. Not saying I want it my way. Does that make better sense?
    This is going to be a major sticking point until you get it sorted out. To feel strongly about your faith is fine, but to dismiss someone else's, especially the man you are planning to marry, is disrespectful. If you are feeling that your opinion is not taken into account, on this matter as well as others, now is the time to put all of these issues out on the table before you get married.

    Schooling, discipline, and throw in money management as well, if you haven't already. Some you may not be able to have a full picture of just yet, but you can both decide on the basic groundwork so that you are starting from the same foundation.

    As was mentioned, find a time to sit with her and talk about your concerns. Acknowledge the importance of her faith, but also help her to see the importance of at least listening to your opinion and views. She doesn't have to agree obviously, but she shouldn't dismiss either.

    This is going to be important for any decision the two of you will have to make. Sometimes her opinion will be the prevailing one, sometimes yours will be, and sometimes it will be a joint decision.

    Are you marrying in the Catholic church? Whether you are or not, consider counseling prior to help with establishing more open lines of communication if you feel the two of you need support in the matter.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

My fiancÚ and I are trying [ 2 Answers ]

I just had a period this month and I have a ovulation calendar and well we've been having sex and he does in me and it's weird I didn't get my period again but I bleed for about an hour not even I am on birth control, I'm stopping what do I do? And why did I bleed the day before it says I should...

Getting fiance's name on because [ 1 Answers ]

I was wondering my daghter is three years old now and my fiancÚ has been raising her since she was born. On her birth certificate there is unknown father as well. Can I put my fiancÚ down as her father? The biological father does not want anything to do with her. He has been in and out of jail her...

My fiancÚ and I have problems, please help. [ 3 Answers ]

To make things short. I'm 32 years old, I live with my fiancÚ, my 11 year old daughter, and my 6 month year old. We have been together for 3 years now. Haven't gotten married yet. I have a problem. My relationship is messed up bad. My fiancÚ drinks a lot. He hits me, in the face, calls me names...


View more questions Search