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    Regs94's Avatar
    Regs94 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 3, 2015, 10:38 AM
    Don't know what to do
    Hi all, I have 2 little girls, one is 4 and one is 2 in September, they went to live with my dad due to me being depressed at the time and I couldn't cope, they are really happy and settled over there, they don't want to come home, they want to stay with grandad, I'm ready for another baby but my other 2 are happy where they are, would it be horrible for me to have another baby when my other two don't live with me? I know I did what was best for my kids at the time so I don't need a lecture, just advice please :( x
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Sep 3, 2015, 11:03 AM
    Please tell us more about what you mean by being ready for another baby.
    Are you getting any treatment for depression?
    Are you saying that your depression is under control, but that your girls are already happier where they are, so you don't want to try to ease them back into your life?
    That to me is a bit worrisome. I'm worried for one thing that you miss the good parts of being a mother, and are forgetting the tough parts, depressed or not, and that a third child won't be any easier, and could send you right back into depression.
    My second worry is that you haven't tried to work out 1 or 2 days per week to have your daughters with you. Or maybe you have?
    We need more details.
    It isn't going to be easy to 'just' give advice. There's going to be some amount of quizzing you to find out what kind of advice to give!
    Regs94's Avatar
    Regs94 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Sep 3, 2015, 11:37 AM
    I have my daughters twice a week, my depression is definitely under control, I don't take tablets for it any more or anything! My two babies are happier where they are and I love them and just want what's best for them x
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #4

    Sep 3, 2015, 12:37 PM
    If your depression is under control, it's time to take back the responsibility of your two children before having another baby. They may be happier there, for now, but they are your responsibility, not your father's.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Sep 3, 2015, 02:40 PM
    Another worry is WHY the girls are happier with your dad. I can't emphasize enough how a third child won't necessarily be any easier than they were. You could fall right back into whatever you were like before. A baby does not fill the void when meaningless hits.

    Is their bio dad in their lives?

    Is there a new man in your life? Who will support you and the new baby? Have you had any jobs in the last 5 years?
    Regs94's Avatar
    Regs94 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Sep 6, 2015, 11:10 PM
    The children's dads are in their lives. And yes I am working. Yes I've been with my partner 3 year. I just want my kids to be happy and to do what's best for them. They are happy with my dad, they are settled in nursery and they have everything they could ever need or want. My children go to their dads at the weekend and my dad wouldn't be able to see the kids if they lived with me as the kids would be at nursery during the week so he couldn't have them overnight, I don't think it would be fair for him to hardly ever see the children when he's used to waking up to them everyday? I see my children regular and it works out fine the way it is? I was 17 when I had my first, I was raped when I was 13 and I never really knew how to cope. Then I had my second child and I went into a mental breakdown. I was on the pill when I got pregnant both times, I never wanted children until I was 23. But obviously things happen for a reason, I never ever would regret having them, they are my world and I just want what's best for them, they are settled and happy.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #7

    Sep 7, 2015, 04:30 AM
    (A little known side effect of some psychiatric medications is that they can counteract birth control pills, and not many doctors are aware of it.)

    We have more or less gently tried to talk you out of another child at this time (you are still young), but it sounds like you are going to do it anyway.

    The girls have quite a schedule - your dad's, but you have them twice a week, and their dad has them all weekend. Not sure how that works but it doesn't matter.

    One last gasp comment: Your girls will become more and more aware of the situation as they grow. A new sibling living with you will create questions and possible confused and mixed feelings, despite what they feel now. Please try to imagine all the ways they will change.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Sep 7, 2015, 05:36 AM
    Instead of making more babies, get your own life together, and work on the two babies who need you now. Sorry you have had such a rough path, and glad to hear your kids are happy where they are, but sooner or later you are their mom, and have to take responsibility for them.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #9

    Sep 7, 2015, 05:37 AM
    At 2 and 4 kids do not know where they are happier. It may be because you would have to work ? And gradparents don't. Or they get to live with no rules at grandparents?

    But the issue is, it is your responsibility to raise the children. You are not ready for another unless you can for well over a year handle and raise your own children.

    So start slowly increasing the time they are with you,

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