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Kadeeblank · Feb 8, 2011, 03:00 PM

At my wit's end! I have a 19 year old who just graduated last May. He's my first born and was an only child for 10 years. I was in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship with his father, my husband. We were 21 when he was born and had no relationship skills, but we loved each other. We separated in 2007. Needless to say, I made parenting mistakes. I didn't make my son have much responsibility and often spoiled him because I felt so guilty about the arguments & verbal abuse we endured from my husband. I love my son, but he is so disrespectftry lately. He is the nicest young man most of the time, but every couple weeks or so he curses me and acts like a spoiled brat! He apologizes later,but continues this cycle any time we have a difficult conversation. Obviously, I am reaping the fruits of my immature parenting. I'm asking for suggestions. I would make him leave for a while in an attempt to make him appreciate home, but he has nowhere to go. All his friends still live at home. His father has a live in girlfriend and makes it known that he enjoys living without children (except for visitation). I want these episodes to stop! Aside from the obvious like not letting him use my car, etc. are there any other parenting tips?

Eileen G · Feb 8, 2011, 04:03 PM

If he behaves well most of the time, then I don't think that making him leave is the best option. Sit him down, talk to him and point out how you feel about his behaviour. Ask him why he does it, and does he feel it reflected well on himself.

Keep calm, try to get to the root of his behaviour.

He's 19 now, so though he will always be your son, you can't treat him as a small child anymore. Make sure you don't slip back into "Because I'm the mother and I say so" type of reactions. But you can certainly demand to be treated with respect.

ballengerb1 · Feb 8, 2011, 04:17 PM

What Eileen said and also think about charging him rent. Right now you are just mom who he may see as someone he can push around a bit. Let him see you in a stronger light, his landlady who can put him on the street with a 30 day notice

Wondergirl · Feb 8, 2011, 04:25 PM

In addition to charging him some kind of rent, I would also introduce him to chores, in case he missed that opportunity in the past. He should be doing his own laundry, helping with meal planning and grocery shopping (if he eats at home), keeping the vehicles clean, mowing grass or shoveling snow, and generally acting like he lives there and values his homelife.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 8, 2011, 04:26 PM

I hope he has a job.
I would talk to him and tell him what you won't tolerate. Have him give you money for rent and I hope he is paying for gas when he drives your car.
Is he going to college or just working and living at home?
If he does not like the rules he can pay real rent to someone else.
He will continue to do what you allow him to do.

sjaydee · Feb 8, 2011, 04:30 PM

I'm definitely not an expert from a parent's point of view, but in my teens (not too long ago) I had really disrespectful episodes with both of my parents. Mind you, I was raised in a healthy, non-abusive environment.

My parents would manage my disrespect in a number of ways:
-They would never rise to the occasion. If I was yelling or saying things in an attempt to be hurtful, they would not only not yell in return, but they wouldn't give me the satisfaction of acting like my attempts to hurt their feelings sparked any emotions in them.
-They took away my privileges. I know your son is 19, but while he's still living with you, you still have privileges you can revoke. Such as the free rent that ballenger suggested changing.
-Also, like Eileen suggested, my parents would discuss my behavior with me methodically. They would not allow me to speak to them while I was still boiling hot, but once I calmed down. Until I was ready to have a linear, respectful conversation with them, they would not allow me to leave the house or speak with them.

I hope my perspective helps. For what it's worth, I'm in my 20s now and my relationship with both of my parents is very strong and they are two of my best friends!

liongal · Feb 8, 2011, 04:50 PM

Fantastic suggestions from all above. God Luck.

jenniepepsi · Feb 8, 2011, 09:14 PM

My first gut reaction is stop referring to him as a child. Stop treating him like he is your little boy, or he will never behave as an adult. I personally experienced this. I am ashamed to admit it now at 26, but when I was 18-24, I didn't give a rats butt what my parents thought, and my biggest thought in my mind was 'if they want to treat me like a dang kid I'm going to ACT like a dang kid'

HUGE mistake on my part, however, it happens, and treating the young adult like a child is NOT how to deal with it, that will only make it worse.

I have never raised teens before, my only child is 7. but I wish you luck!