This question is really about my BF's daughter. We would like to move in together, but this situation is driving me crazy and I want to help him deal with it. Here goes:

BF's ex is bipolar and PTSD and has been "incapacitated" for many years. He supports her, and she does not work. So, there's some learned behavior.

BF's daughter is 22 and has a baby. She has nothing to do with the baby's father. Her MO appears to be staying with her mother for a while until there is a blowup, then coming down to her father's place until she finds a better deal. Lately there has been a FWB situation, and she goes to stay with him until they fight, and then she starts it all over again. FWB and mother live near each other, father lives a couple of hours away. Since she is swinging around, she of course is not working and hasn't since before she got pregnant. BF is supporting her, too, and of course by extension the baby.

I don't think she is wrapped too tightly - how could she be? The baby is 1 now and is probably beginning to notice that she doesn't really live anyplace. My BF, who even though he is a little bent from dealing with these crazy women knows the right thing to do, wants daughter to stay with him so he can keep an eye on her. He doesn't quite trust her with the baby for a long time alone. While I understand this and think he has a point, I think it's enabling her patterns. She comes to stay with him when she has no other options but usually takes the first opportunity to go elsewhere. He will not kick her out. I have suggested that she needs therapy, and badly, but I'm not sure if this suggestion has gotten to her. He says that she knows that she needs to settle down, but that's a long way from actually doing it. Any ideas?

It's a thing called tuff love and it's a hard thing for a parent to do, but my mom did it to me. Kicked me out at the age of 15 with a 2 month old baby. Yes I was very young when I had my son. But it made me grow up so much. I hated her at first for it, but I respect her so much now for it, and know why she did it. The whole family needs to stop jumping for her and let her fall on her face. She is a mother now and its not everyone's responsiablity to take care of her. She is 22 years old its time to be an adult. Someone needs to inform her of what she is putting her little one though. And how that is going to affect her when she is older.

Your BF sounds like he is letting his kid push him over. He should let her live with him only if she's trying to get her life together. He needs to lay the ground rules: get a job, and maybe go to school.. (she should get at least an AA degree). I had a cousin who sounds just like his kid, she ended up in jail for drugs and her kids went to the state because she wasn't taking care of them, and go figure she blames the family for cutting her off. The problem was we didn't cut her off soon enough. Your BF's kid is going to live with him forever if he doesn't make her get it together now. You never stop being a parent, but part of being one is doing what's best for your kid, and he needs to realize that he is doing isn't not helping her. Maybe suggest to your BF that he starts charging a bit of rent, this way she isn't getting away as easy. Charge her for babysitting, this way she can't just go out when she feels like it. Good luck, and I hope things get better!