... My daughter is now 36. When she asked me which wedding dress to choose, I told her to choose the one she really wanted. Instead, she choose the one her mother-in-law insisted on, and several years later burst into tears and said, "I picked the wrong dress." ...

I was very sorry to read about your situation. I have some expertise in this area and believe your son-in-law and his mother may well suffer from a personality disorder or disorders. Narcissistic disorder, however, does not begin to explain what has been going on here. If your telling of the story is accurate (and I have no reason to doubt you) than I would say that all the classic signs of abuse are present. There may well be no physical abuse, but psychological abuse can be just as damaging.

It seems that your son-in-law is influencing your daughter to break off her most important and closest relationships. The only reason I know of why someone would do this, is to have more power and control over the person. By cutting your daughter off from friends and family, your son-in-law is controlling her life and putting himself in an even more powerful position over her.

I understand how hurt you must feel about the way she has treated you, but try and remain open to her contacting you if she needs to in the future. She may feel trapped in this marriage, especially with two small children, but isn't able to see how her husband is controlling her life as i) she is probably very much in love with him and ii) he is probably a master manipulator.

If you close yourself off to her, and she does come to the point where she breaks away from his control and wants to reach out for help, she needs to know that you are there for her. If her husband suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD), and I strongly suspect this is the case, no amount of rational discussion with him is likely to change things. You'd have to be pretty good at manipulation yourself in order to make him feel you were on his side, really liked him (people with BPD also may have narcissistic disorder/traits concurrently), and weren't a threat to his marriage. That's a tall order and not likely doable even if you wanted to.

I sincerely hope that your daughter reaches out to you before she becomes more cut off from the people who love her. Unfortunately, people with BPD fear abandonment more than anything, and this is why they try to keep their partners cut off from outside influence. The fear is that if their partner has people in her life who give her something objective to compare the way she is being treated or what her relationship is like with, than she will see how disfunctional and abusive it really is and leave them. By convincing her to cut herself off from friends and family, it also makes it harder for her to leave him if she has a "moment of clarity" because she doesn't have a support system to turn to. She may also feel too embarrassed if she has treated these people badly in the past, e.g., not thanking you for the package/gifts you sent.

If she is/was the type of person you believe you raised, than she has to be feeling badly about this on some level. It is painful to watch and do nothing, but other than letting her know that you are there for her if she needs you, I'm not sure what else you can do. This situation almost seems to call for an intervention of some sort, but if she won't see you or her friends, I can't see how that could be planned. I just wonder if being blunt about her husband's controlling ways and possible psychological issues to her might not get her to open up and maybe admit that all is not perfect in her domestic world. Clearly, trying to be nice and non confrontational has not worked. Your daughter may be fluctuating between believing what her husband is telling her, and what her heart is telling her. She may have in effect been "brainwashed" by him and may even be questioning whether or not she is the "crazy one". Gaslighting is something else that individuals with BPD excel at, and your daughter would be even more vulnerable with having had two children in the past two years (fatigue, hormone fluctuation, post natal depression, financial and emotional dependency on her husband, etc.)

I am so sorry I can't be of more help and I really wish you and your daughter the best. The bottom line is that the smaller he makes her world, the bigger and more important and indispensable his role in it becomes, i.e., the less likely she will leave him. It seems like you have been hesitant to criticize her choices in the past, and perhaps she might have married him anyway, but sometimes we need to voice our concerns in order to for our loved ones to see they are making a mistake. If she had someone to validate her concerns about his treatment of her and tell her his actions weren't that of a person who really loved her, but that of someone who was being controlling, then perhaps she wouldn't have gone forward with marrying him. I don't mean to imply that this is in any way your fault, but just that it doesn't help to keep trying to sugar coat things. If you get the chance to tell your daughter what you really think of her husband, you may want to go for it. She may be angry now, but you have nothing to lose if she already has cut you off, and everything to gain if she later decides to leave him. She needs to know that she has somebody to turn to, no matter what, if she comes to that point. She needs to know that somebody else sees what is really going on and that she is not the one who is crazy.

I have lived through a situation very similar to the one you describe and I wish I had someone I felt I could turn to who saw him for what he really was, during my rare moments of clarity. It is very easy to be convinced that you are the one with the problem though if you are in an abusive situation with a controlling partner who has cut you off from outside/objective influences. The longer your daughter is cut off from you, the less likely she is to feel she can turn to you if she needs to down the road.

You may want to check out this site: Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners. You will find a lot of good information there and message boards where you can read about others' experiences. The message board for Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD may be particulary helpful. Don't give up hope, and remember that no matter how it looks, your daughter does love you.

I appreciate your reply. While I won't reply to every post individually, you are saying what two psychologists and several people who know my daughter and her husband have already said to me. I feel sure that there is truth in your analysis. I wish there were a way to alleviate my own grief; there isn't a day that passes without my wondering what my grandchildren look like and realizing they have no concept of their grandmother and a very loving grandfather. And then there is my lost daughter. People who view this from the outside might wonder whether I am being accurate or wonder what I am leaving unsaid. It is, at the very least, reassuring to hear from someone who understands the situation and knows that sometimes this happens without provocation. I will continue to try to let her know that I am here if she needs me.

Of the entire post, this sticks out for me - several years after the wedding, after having a child, the daughter is crying because she picked the "wrong" wedding dress?

I think there are problems on both sides - daughter and son-in-law.

I also think it's dangerous to diagnose over the Internet - I would say the same thing if this were about a physical health issue. It is foolish (and dangerous) to label people based on a layman's knowledge and/or experience. In this instance I'd be more concerned about seeing "my" daughter and grandchild than which label to pin on my son-in-law.

I am very estranged from a family member who just "can't understand why." Trust me, she knows. I'm not sure that this isn't the case here, and that's the reason for the blog instead of a question.

"Tickle" listed the personality traits. That makes sense. A diagnosis does not.

And I agree with Frchuck - enough dancing around. Either ask and get it straighted out (or not) or let it go.

Oh, there is no doubt that there are problems on both sides. But your last sentence, particularly, belies that you have no insight into this situation. And my concern is not about "pinning" this on anyone. It is about how to reestablish a relationship with my daughter while she is still in this very restricted situation. You assume that I have not asked--but I have, many times, and I have entreated her to participate in joint counseling with me. She not only now refuses to do that after suggesting it in the past, she refuses to talk to me and has consistently refused to discuss this in front of any third party.

I find it shocking that a professional psychologist would make such a diagnosis.

Don't get me wrong, I sympathize with your situation. But I can't see how putting mental health labels on anyone will help you expect maybe with how to deal with them. But even that is iffy. Like I said originally, I don't know if there is any answer for you. If your son-in-law and his family does not want to cooperate, and they exert such a level of influence on your daughter, then there may not be anything you can do. As your grand children get older maybe they will ask about you. Maybe you can contact them through social media.

I would continue to send birthday and holiday presents in the meantime.

That does not excuse my daughter's compliance, so I seek understanding of her state of mind in order to extend empathy

Yes, there is definitely a difference in culture. Although my SIL came here at age 10, he aggressively identifies with his birth country more strongly than with the US. However, I brought my husband here from a very (very!) different culture when he was 48, and he and I manage our cultural differences, including language, since we did not know each other's languages when we met.
I think the differences between me and my SIL and his mother are more idiosyncratic than cultural. I have worked and traveled to many parts of the world without encountering problems, and have dear friends in many other countries as well as many immigrant friends here. In fact, this is part of the reason that I find it strange that my SIL launched such a diatribe against my social skills. No one else has ever given a hint that I was socially inept, and I have interacted with people at literally every level of society, from peasants to heads of state, without encountering anything like this.
For whatever it's worth, both my husband and I get the strong feeling that we are expected to be much more impressed with SIL and MIL. MIL characteristically introduces herself to people and then immediately adds a professional designation to her introduction. This has puzzled even her own family, who know she has not worked in almost 40 years and probably never filled the role she uses as her "identity." I introduce myself as my daughter's mother, or as a neighbor, or a friend of a friend, etc. If people want to know my professional capacity, I let them ask later in conversation. As for other signs of pretension, it is so overriding that yes, people do talk about it.
In my daughter's own words, vis a vis personality disorder, MIL "doesn't know how to take 'no' for an answer." She starts every sentence with "In my opinion," and there is zero tolerance for of any other point of view.

In my daughter's own words, vis a vis personality disorder, MIL "doesn't know how to take 'no' for an answer." She starts every sentence with "In my opinion," and there is zero tolerance for of any other point of view.

You apparently went in for counselling and the Psychologists diagnosed your daughter's and step son's problem(s).

What was their advice on how to handle the situation? It is a fairly frequent question on AMHD, and this is the first time anyone has actually discussed it with a medical professional.

What is the advice - and I know it varies from person to person, situation to situation.

I don't understand why your son's mother is being given so much "credit" for the problem. I certainly see a clash of egos, yours and hers, and a lot of posturing. I don't know why her being pretentious is such a problem for you - I would ignore the woman and trust that her problems are just that, her problems. If she wants to introduce herself as the Queen of England, who cares? I dated a Doctor (and I've posted this) who either introduced himself as Doctor X OR said "I'm John Jones. I'm a Physician." For whatever reason that was important to him. And, again, who cares?

If she wants to introduce herself as “Mary Jones, and I’m an Attorney,” (or whatever), again, who cares? If she has some driving need to “top” everyone else, again, who cares? I see you also posturing, explaining your background, breeding, credentials. Why? This woman makes you feel inferior?

I see a lot of what other people think in all of your posts. I truly hope you aren’t discussing your daughter, her husband, her mother-in-law with people outside of your family. It appears you are, however, from your other posts. This should not be the subject of a survey of personality disorders among your friends and colleagues.

Likewise, if “In my daughter's own words, vis a vis personality disorder, MIL "doesn't know how to take 'no' for an answer." She starts every sentence with "In my opinion," and there is zero tolerance for of any other point of view,” again, who cares? I’d rather have “in my opinion” than “this is how it is” any day.

I’d spend as little time as necessary with her, of course, but would I let her rankle me to the point where I lost my daughter and grandchild? No.

I’m not certain that your criticism of your son-in-law and his family hasn’t driven your daughter away from you. Maybe she got tired of hearing it. I know you don’t like them; I can only imagine what other people think. I might tell you that my husband is a jerk, but you tell someone else he’s a jerk and I’ll be all over you. Did you repeat anything your daughter said or share your opinions about his family with people outside your family?

Was your daughter’s marriage arranged? I am assuming you raised her. Why are you so positive that she can’t make her own choices in life (good, bad, indifferent). I’m assuming she’s a college-educated woman.

And I guess the answer is that you care.