My daughter has been having trouble with her 12 year old son. This trouble consists of violence, sexual abuse of a younger sibling, running away and threats of killing and or harming himself and other family members. He has just within the past three years returned to his mother after he was taken from her by her exhusband and his mother. He has been in and out of group homes since she(my daughter) has regained custody of him. He has been on ADHD meds since the age of 3. His dad returned him to my daughter when he could no longer control him and he (the child) assaulted his grandfather with a golf club.
She is at her wits end and is now looking to relinguish her parental rights.
My question is: how would she go about religishing her rights? What is involved?

Thank you, Wanda Drewery

I know your family is in a terrible situation.
It Sounds as though his father has already given up.
But what is going to happen to that child if everyone gives up on him?
I hope someone comes along that can offer you some good advice. By my responding puts your question at the top.

Why wasn't this child prosecuted for all the apparent assaults?

This is not a question of parental rights, this is a concern for family safety and the youth's own safety.

Please seek medical assistance and possible long term commitment to a medical facility equipped to handle both suicidal and violent patients. Why wait for another Va. Tech or Columbine situation. Get this youth the needed help as soon as possible.

Has this child ever been to any type of therapy? What are his living conditions and why has he not been taken care of? Sounds like someone did not do their job to the best of their ability. I agree with Don above me, he has hit it right on the nail. This child needs something FAST! Almost twelve years if you ask me!

Wanda, this has really been weighing on me for the last hour. I can't seem to say anything but this boy needs some love and attention... FIRST and FOREMOST some therapy and so do the parents. Please help them help him. Or there will be nothing left for this child, he will be place in the most awful places, I know this to be true! He will be placed with boys that do these same things, they grow up and become hearless, abusive, and many many other bad things! Not to say every one of those boys end up bad, just most of them. Your daughter has a responsibility here, just because it is a hard job doesn't mean she gets to give up. What is she willing to do to help him? Why has he ended up so violent and hard to handle? I guess that would be where the problem lies. I just can't stand to hear of a parent giving up! It breaks my heart, just breaks my heart!

For the one above me about the child needing love and attention, he has gotten more than enough, I know this because I am his mother. He has been to therapist he has in home counseling, those counselors are puzzled as well, yes I mentioned relinguishing my rights. But that was just mentioning, I took him out of a terrible situation where they were more than happy to be rid of him. Everyone he has ever known since I regained custody of him have just up and left him. My family and I have been very supportive of his past life. It was one I would not wish on anyone, but his behaviors are getting out of hand and there is nothing more anyone can do to help him because he is not willing to help himself. I hope this helps clear up your confusion:)

And about the charges to donf... they were droppped because he was committed before the court date. But he now has new charges

Ok amber, first I am glad you are keeping with him. I would hate to see a child abandon... I wonder still what started all of these behaviors? Why would you have to take him out of a situation? Why was he there? I mean if you look at all of the things he is going through, back and forth, people not wanting him. I think the problem has to start with the people handling him... I am sorry to say but you need to go to counceling to figure out how to handle him... He is almost old enough to leave for good and make really bad choices for himself. Therapy could start you on a way to help him! I hope this helped...

Startover, the in home counselor is a family counselor, I have 3 of them tag teaming the situation. They work with me and with my other children in how to handle the behaviors and how to help my other children cope. I appreciate your efforts, but until you have actually lived w/ a child suffering from so called ADHD O.D.D bipolar OCD and has been put on every med known to the psychiatric profession since he was three and had a grandmother that kept him on codiene so she didn't have to deal with him. They stole a perfectly healthy happy little boy from me, DSS said they were better suited, because I left my abusive husband to stay with my father and trying to work 2 jobs, but since I lived with my father I was not a stable parent go figure. For 6 yrs he was bounced from one family member to the other has never known stability and when I try to offer stability he has no clue how to handle it.:(

Amber, startover is not attacking you. No one is. She is only trying to help you, if I am not mistaken she has experience with children as she is a foster mother.
I understand that you are upset but your tone is a little harsh.

Contact Family and Children services in your state , or what they are called in your state. Discuss this problem with them.
At some points, we are not able to care for some social and medical issues if there is a serious safety issues

Bush and Chuck ty for your responses... Bush if it sounded harsh it wasn't meant to be. And if taken that way I apologize... Chuck we tried that he ran away last Thursday and the officer tried to get family and child services involved and would you believe there was nothing they could do because he was medicated... he even asked the officer if he could give him something to punch and in front of the officer he was showing physical aggression. And they officer expressed this to family services and there was still nothing they could do unless he actually hurt himself or someone else. I don't understand why they have to wait until it gets to that point

Amber, for the record, you have big concerns so I do understand you being straight forward. It's all good. Anyway, I am just wondering if there is someone who maybe he thinks is "cool" that you could talk into having a word with him? An uncle or someone to talk to (even if you don't like the person) I know this to be helpful. I am just trying to feel this boy out, how he feels...
If the state and therapists aren't helping, I just can't think of other ways, except for "homemade" ways to help. So talking to someone who is "cool" with you coaching of course may help. A sport, a hobby, something that gives him pride, makes him feel important or something that makes him feel needed, for goodness sakes just asking him to cook dinner may be a burden but maybe just what he needs. I didn't notice if he was the oldest one or not, I am thinking he is, I know that carries a lot for a boy! Maybe some control where he hasn't had it before, put HIM in charge, even if it means he gets to tell his sibling who get's shotgun can mean a lot sometimes. I am just trying to think of things that my boys think are important and I don't realize it till I do it. Awwww Amber, I can tell you want it to be OK, I wish the best for you and your son, it takes a lot out of you to "deal" with these issues, I understand. We haven't had to deal with these types of issues, I could only imagine what it can do to you and the family around him. Keep your chin up and try some POSITIVE stuff, make him think he is in control, he is almost a man and that makes a big difference... an ego can change a lot in a young man!

Amber, my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation with my adopted daughter. She was a victim of neglect, physical abuse and sexual abuse in the first 4 years of her life. She now suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder. Nearly two years ago I had to place her into residential treatment. It was the most second most difficult decision I have ever had to make. The most difficult was signing her over to Children's Services in order for her to continue to receive some form of care after age 16 and to protect myself and my family this March, just days prior to her 16th birthday. I KNOW what you are going through.

It sounds to me that your son has also been abused. He loves you, but because of the way he is, when he is angry or hurt, he hates you even stronger. You and your family are in danger. Do NOT give up on trying to find the answers you need! Arrange another meeting with Children's Services and ask them to tell you what your options are with this boy. Make it very clear that you and your family are in danger! They are not just there for the 12 year old, they are there to protect your other children as well.

As with my daughter, your son's disorders and needs are quite complex. You are right, unless people have lived with a child so troubled and unpredicatable, they do not have any understanding what it is like. I personally believe that your son might be helped if he receives some form of attachment therapy. Why don't you check out RadKid.org? The website can be a valuable source of information, ideas and support and they provide information on ADHD, Asperger, ODD, Bipolar, NLD, Depression and PTSD. I truly believe your son probably suffers from most of these disorders, but even if he doesn't, the information on that site will prove to be invaluable. I remember when I first found their Support Forum I thought the people had very negative outlooks. Over the years I have learned that they experience far more than most people can imagine. My daughter's case was one of the most extreme cases. It sounds like your son's is almost identical.

More than anything you need to find a support network. RadKid.org has an extensive list of resources and books that should help you learn how to do this and you can give people involved with your son this information, too. I urge you to read "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas. Please, don't take any chances... as much as you love your son, you know that he is unpredictable and dangerous - he has shown it over and over again. The older he gets, the more dangerous he becomes.

If you would like other resources, or just someone to talk to who understands... please feel free to contact me. My heart goes out to you, your son and the rest of your family. The next few years are imperative!

Hugs, Didi

thank you so very much for the info, I will be checking into that. I am also sorry for the pain you went through with your daughter, because I to have already had to put him in out of home placements. I want so much to understand what he is going through, but at the same time it scares me to death. And the only type of repremand he responds to is physical restraints. Spanking him is a waste of time and effort, time out? Ha yea right. I know you know that feeling. I really appreciate your concern and you experience with this type of situation, best of wishes Amber:)

Good morning Amber,

Thanks for the additional history. I applaud your love of your son to stick with him through all of this misery. I still believe a long term facility may be you court of last resort, but because you are so dedicated to him I have another couple of questions.

How does your son (would you mind sending me his name?) do in a strict one to one basis with you? Is it possible for you to cut a fixed time out of your daily schedule to just sit or walk with him? Does he respond well with you? If he does, see if you can get him to open up a little about what fears are driving him. He has been outside of your life for quite a while maybe one or two of the other homes were more abusive than loving.

Something is tearing this child apart inside. It could be physical or mental. How does he respond to hugs?

Don, my son's name is KC , my son is affectionate and loves to hug. That's the confusing part. I have tried to talk to him, I have sat down to play cards with him and try to chat, and his responses are I don't know and nothing. To be perfectly honest at this point he is not responding well with anyone unless it is to talk about thinks such as finding deer ticks or a dream he had recently about kiling everyone and it was a cool dream. May have been cool to him but terrifying to me and his stepfather. KC is the oldest, and putting him in charge is not an option, because he is so unpredictable... my 4 yr old had 9 stitches to his head due to his inabilty to determine how far is too far. It was a split second thing you hear him say no my youngest hit the floor then the screams. :( KC's father is abusive he was abusive to me and KC has made claims of his dad hitting him w/ a 2x4. Anyway, thank you all for your advice and concern. And I welcome any advice I can get... that I haven't already tried that is lol.

:) This Is For Everyone That Has Offered Advice And Concern. We Have A Dr. Appt Today And I Will Be Sure To Let You All Know What His Psychiatrist Has To Say About His Behaviors. Probably Another Med Change (hope Not) But Hopefully He Can Offer A Little More Insight As Well. This Is Our Second Visit With This Dr. His Previous Dr Was A Pill Pusher And Didn't Offer Much Else. So Hopefully We'll Get A Better Response From This One. God Bless You All And Thank You Again

Amber, I am respecting you for keeping with him! On the other hand, grammmadidi is right, he is a threat and with the other kids, well, you already know so, do your best and we would love an update. If you have suggestions on what not to do (because I am fostering a 14 year old angry and hurt boy) I would appreiciate that. Good luck and lots of hug from me to you sweet!

Startover, The Only Advice That I Know To Offer Is Don't Give In, I Am Sure You Are A Loving Person And Do Your Best To Let Your Foster Child Know You Care And That You Wouldn't Hurt Him. Help Him To Channel His Anger Into Writing, It's Not A Permanent Fix , But It Did Help Kc For A Good While. And While He Is Using This Method Try To Think Of Some Other Ways To Help Him, Mix It Up If You Feel His Anger Is Getting The Best Of Him Toss Him A Foot Ball And If You Are Able Run Around The Yard With Him Playing Tag Football Or A Little Basketball, Be Silly This Will Help Him Over Come That Angry Moment Because He Is Having Fun. These Are Not Long Term Fixes Well They Weren't For Me. But Maybe He'll See You Are Trying To Help Him And Finally Not Have To Feel So Angry Or Hurt. Good Luck With Him And I Hope This Helps Hugs To You Too:)

Amber, never though I would turn it around on you huh? Hee hee. Well, he is into sports, and actually a very outstanding athlete, get's straight A's. Just the talking out and mostly just talking back no matter what, he does nothing wrong he thinks... He has so much potential and is doing better every day!
Good girl Amber, I am proud of your efforts with your son! I really am!