I hope that I am not repeaking myself since I tried to send this befoe but did not remember my log in information.
My daughter has not spoken to me in nearly 6 months. We had a small incident when we took a trip together. We drove her with us for a 3 day fun trip. The incident has been made into a huge thing. She phoned me after and began yelling so I hung up the phone and since then she has sent me a somewhat nasty letter calling me vicious, evil and a poisen to all. I have 5 daughters and all were close to me. This is affecting the family and dividing us. I am so hurt and have tried to reach her. I sent cards, emails and phone messages. None have been answered. At Christmas, I sent the usual Christmas check and her sisters sent their usual gifts We all received the same thing in an evelope addressed to our last names with copies of photos that had been taken the last Christmas when my husband and I were with her and her husband and of fun times we had together. My 77th birthday will be in a month and her 53rh will be the day after mine. Should I continue to try by sending cards or should I stop and wait for her. At Christmas she sent a email saying that she received the box(fruit) but said nothing about the check although it was cashed.
This is effecting my health and all I can think of is of her and what I can do an go over in my mind what took place to cause all this and I cannot find a answer.

My one daughter thinks that she may be suffering from a personality disorer but I just so not know what to do next. Help me if you have any thoughts. Thank you.

It would probably be best if you have a one time discussion with your other 4 daughters and get on the same page so that they do not end up believing things out of context and siding with her. Make it a time that is neutral and not accusing or anything that makes her look like the bad guy, but to come up with some strategies that might help bring you back together,
Have you tried sending her a letter apologizing for any misunderstandings and that you really don't want a moments incident ruin the entire rest of your relationship with her, Maybe include how things could have or should have maybe went different and how you now know for future reference that things like that won't happen again.

Life is to short to worry about an old spoiled brat, so leave her alone, and enjoy the rest of your family.

Don't make them suffer for the actions of one.

What is it that so many of us moms bend over backwards to try to get our kids to forgive us for something we don't even know what is?
It seems as though our generation tried so
Hard to please (our parents, our friends parents... blah blah blah) that we created
Monsters in our kids. We are still trying
To please. What happened to the respect
That our grownup children should have for
Us? My mom is gone, I miss her every day.
I would give anything to pick up the phone and hear her voice. I could never have pushed my mom away regardless if she
Were wrong for something or not. What about
Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother? What
Your one daughter is doing is Cruel and Manipulative. Pray for her that her heart will be softened. She sounds like she is miserable with herself.

I mostly agree with N0help4u, that meeting with the rest of your family and asking if they have experienced similar might be a good first step.

Was this behavior unusual?
Is anything else happening in her life?
Did you really do anything to offend her?

These might be the questions that you could discuss with them.

By all means send her something for her birthday, but don't apologize again to her - she is an adult after all and if she can't behave in a mature way, then I wouldn't be rewarding her with additional presents or letters. Let your other daughters know that this is what you are doing so that they are in the picture.

I suspect that your daughter is enjoying your distress and if you desist from providing her with your attention, she'll do something else to attract it.

THERE ARE A LOT OF ANSWERS THAT CAN BE GIVEN TO THIS QUESTION AND I HAVE STUDIED MY CRAFT FOR A LONG TIME BUT STILL I'M BEFUDDLED AT THIS VERY, EXACT POINT EVEN THOUGH I KNEW THERE WERE TROUBLES AHEAD WHEN MY DAUGHTER AND I WERE YOUNG: SHE IN HER TEENS AND ME IN MY 30S. I suggested to my daughter that she should solve her "mother" problem by finding someone else and adopting that person and still have me, her bio-mother because I wanted her to have a good experience and I believe in adopting people or forming relationships with people that feel good. It is what I did in my life and it saved me. I thought it was a good idea. We had a perfect mother-daughter relationship until she was all of 35. That's when things changed and she sent me a letter to announce that stage in her development. It is just a matter of natural law that all energy does not mix well--there will be combustion, and I knew that early on.

Early on means: When puberty is activated the body changes significantly. The attitude changes as well.

I have two daughters and one is NOT mother-centered. The other is like bi-centered; she can have one parent, two parents, or lose them both and she will adopt others as she needs them or not at all.

We don't like to think about the truth in all this. Being a 'natural' mother last about 4-8 years (the experts surmise) in the homo sapien sapien experience (adulthood for all animals in Nature begins upon the onset of puberty, as an animal in Nature) so adolescence begins after childhood and before puberty/adulthood. As a humane being in a civilized society, that believes in a god that wants us to honor our father and our mother so our days will be long upon the earth: We parents are encouraged to nurture for all the days of our lives and drag that time into eternity if we can manage it. That we say will be heavenly!

Therefore, our rites of passages, our stages of development through our childhood and adulthood is created and so all the fuss about not getting things exactly how they SHOULD GO is really arguing about ideas, ideals and concepts in reality. Therefore, things won't go right a good deal of the time because it is a vision, a dream, an ideal, just an idea of how things SHOULD GO for the betterment of everyone involved.

SO YOU'VE GOT THE SAME PROBLEM I HAVE... ONLY I'M DIFFERENT FROM YOU: I'M ANGRY; I'M SO ANGRY I'M CALLING MY ANGER AN ILLNESS. That means I recognize it as something that will take me down if I don't work on it. There's an old adage: "When your babes are small they are on your lap but when they are tall they are on your heart."

I have prayed and prayed; I can feel me suffering for two reasons: (a) because it hurts to think that your beautiful child that you loved so much and worked so hard for is "lost" in her mind or listening to people she shouldn't and is disconnecting herself from the one person who would care for her when things go wrong; (b) the second reason I ache is because I can't let go. I can't seem to accept this is really, really, truly, truly a bona fide adult person just like me and she doesn't have to do anything I say. She doesn't have to honor me. She doesn't have to love me. But she does have to respect me and my space and that's what she doesn't want to do so she has been barred from my home.

My daughter is angry too. She describes her pain in yells and the complaints and the views stun me. She, 47, goes on a rant and says stuff like: We got good grades in school, we were good kids, we never did anything wrong, we learned how to work early; we have never been without a job; "I sent myself to college"... and the last part of her yelling went like this... "You are so afraid of being alone." (I'm disabled.) That's not true, I've lived alone for my own reasons and I enjoy my life until this comes to mind and everybody knows that so they say it may be her who is afraid of being alone because she has never married.

I can't let go BECAUSE she isn't married. She does not have a family of her own. I'm afraid to let go the way I would if she was married with her own family. [NOW CHECK ME OUT: Some people would say I have no right to feel like that when my daughter is 47; some would say I am an interfering mother.] But others would say these are my mother instincts and in the end this will be our story. This will be how our story goes.

(Why talk about letting go, she is my daughter... right?) Well yeah. But I'm not talking about "letting go" of her being, but letting go of her "child" in me. She is my "child" and all my research says that is a great deal of the problem with offspring at these advanced stages and ages. We have to move on and see these adults as adults... and, how would you see your 53 year-old if she was a son? Can you see and feel his independence? Well, that maybe the way this daughter, your 53 y. o. feels. Is part of your angst because she is a girl, a daughter? And ask yourself this? Do you feel like a failure, or failing, because the other children are in like flint but this one is Out like Not going to do what you want?

I can say if one child is far more independent than the others, that would be your answer.

I don't want to say directly what I think you SHOULD DO, per se, but I am going to tell you what I'm going to do after I've prayed and prayed and come to this conclusion.

I am not going to do anything. Not a thing. That in itself is TOTALLY different from what I have been doing all of her life. That usually gets somebody's attention. I am not going to respond and when I do I am determined not to be angry... BECAUSE my 'child' is not doing and feeling what she SHOULD BE doing and feeling; the adult person she is is doing what she feels and thinks is right for her. BUT THAT DOES NOT END OUR CONFRONTATION: my daughter wants to 'make me' be the mother she has always wanted. That also is a part of the problem.

(This is very hard and I may be wrong.) My family does not have a history of "close family ties"; my mother died angry, very angry at her five offspring (and at life in general). But every last one of this woman's children/offspring made it in life to become successful, independent people, without close family ties and traditional rituals! We are highly independent people, very strong, very capable and we loved and adored our mother but when it came time for us to care for her in her senior life all hell broke loose. That woman was not going to honor a thing we had to say. We were still her children. She rose up like a towering inferno because we wanted to bring her into our world, make her comfortable and take care of all her needs. We had a nice house, car, everything she needed. She couldn't adjust to that. So, she was both angry and nasty in her mouth and spirit. She was away from us for too long but if we had stayed near her we would have been "adult children". She was a power that would have caused so much rebellion; we would not have landed on our feet for that rebellion.

Your daughter is an adult with a family of her own @53. Send the cards, send the gifts, hang up the phone when she is disrespectful... YOU are doing fine. What makes you think you are doing anything wrong or did anything wrong? The one thing you cannot do now is MAKE HER FEEL like you want or MAKE HER THINK like you want, nothing like that. (But I'm willing to bet she feels she should MAKE you think, feel and do like she wants. In essence, she wants to take on a parenting role with you, like my daughter.) She has a mind and a way of her own and she wants to know that and feel that but they tend to think aging makes us THEIR child. Just don't be angry. Let go of the anger but even so don't allow another person to get out of the way with you disrespectfully, even if that person is your 53 year old daughter. Just go on as you have. Will your daughter suddenly gain enlightenment and come to you and say she's sorry? No. Will she be at your death bedside crying sorry tears? Probably not. But if she has kids she will know what you feel now, guaranteed.
--Margaret Opine