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    carmela_a's Avatar
    carmela_a Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 17, 2015, 05:30 PM
    Is my dad being sexually abusive?
    My parents are divorced and I live with my single dad and two younger brothers (I'm a girl). Because it is only my dad who is in charge of me (and my brothers of course) he wants to check on me to see how far I am through puberty but I think he is taking this a tad bit too far...

    Every once in awhile, he would ask me to take off my clothes. Everything. Yes, everything. He would look at my boobs and squish them a bit (yes I know it sounds so disturbing) and his excuse to this is see if my breasts are developing and he says he has to know how big they are. He would also make me take off my pants and he looks "under there" and his excuse for doing this is to see "if I'm growing pubic hair" but sometimes I don't know if he is really doing this to see if I'm reaching puberty or if he is just being dirty and makes up an excuse to why he is doing what he is.

    And not to mention, yes he does look at my underarms to see if I'm growing hair and he would also make me take off my underwear to check for that white discharge and he would also actually look through "the hole" to see. He makes me bend over and then he would make me spread out my legs and then looks through my... yeah, "the hole" to check if I have discharge coming from there. He insists on coming to the bathroom with me so he knows when I'm on my period. And yes it is overly disgusting and may be disturbing to you.

    I don't know any other single dad that does this. So is my dad being sexually abusive? And also what should I do to get him to stop?
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,277, Reputation: 5644
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    #2

    May 17, 2015, 06:14 PM
    Yes. This is absolutely sexual abuse. Report it to a teacher or school counselor immediately.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #3

    May 17, 2015, 06:14 PM
    That is clearly inappropriate. As was mentioned....talk to someone in authority about this. It needs to stop.
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 3,998, Reputation: 468
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    #4

    May 17, 2015, 07:21 PM
    Your teacher can help you. Tell him or her what is going on at school tomorrow. Teachers care about you and want what is best for you.
    spicywings's Avatar
    spicywings Posts: 85, Reputation: 9
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    #5

    May 17, 2015, 07:53 PM
    Report this to your school teacher/admin/personnel IMMEDIATELY. This is most certainly crossing the line and EXTREMELY inappropriate. Don't be afraid. You are a brave young lady for asking about this. Be brave and report this IMMEDIATELY first chance you get. Blessings...
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #6

    May 18, 2015, 05:23 AM
    I agree this is abusive, but unless you want your dad in jail, I'm going to suggest holding off on talking to someone at school.

    The next time he tells you to undress, tell him that you are too old for that and it is no longer appropriate. Tell him that you know how to check your own body and you will let him know when you need a bra or when you get your period (he doesn't need to know when you start with pubic hair).

    If he doesn't accept this, then you will have little choice but tell a teacher or school counselor. He may not think what he is doing is inappropriate and he needs a wakeup. If telling him no stops it then I think things will be OK.

    By the way, how old are you and your brothers? Where is your mother? Do you have any adult female relatives (grandmother, aunt) living nearby?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #7

    May 18, 2015, 08:13 AM
    With all due respect, I have to disagree with Scott's post.

    He is regularly and methodically seeking to observe a child's body, which is inappropriate, and crosses all lines of decency from a parent to a child.

    If his behavior needs corrected, by authorities who are paid to protect children from this type of abusive behavior, then so be it. It is called a consequence, and in reporting it, it could very well stop it, but to leave it optional without the involvement of the authorities, puts the responsibility on the child's shoulders, and that is a terrible imbalance of power.

    This type of sexual exploitation could also be called grooming. The father is already touching her breasts, and intimately 'looking' for apparent signs of puberty. I would bet that this behavior would escalate, not stop, until someone in authority stops him.

    He could give the authorities the same reasons he gives this child for checking, and what would they say? Alarm bells and red flags would go off all over the place.

    To Carmela: It is important, and necessary for you to speak to an adult, and your teacher is likely the easiest and most comfortable route. Take a copy of your post, and give it to her if you find it difficult to get the words out.

    Your father has a serious problem if he is 'checking' your body in most inappropriate ways. If he were a coach, or a preacher, or your best friends father, would it seem more reasonable to say that nobody needs to cross that line, and no excuse will do.

    Please don't let this continue.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #8

    May 18, 2015, 10:17 AM
    I'm going to defend my answer here. While this certainly smacks of pedophilic behavior, I'm just not sure that this behavior would continue in THIS instance, if she puts a stop to it. This guy has been presented with a willing and, to this point, compliant victim. Such a person might never consider doing this to someone else, but has a false sense of security here.

    It is unusual that a father gets custody over a mother. That indicates that there may be problems with the mother. So what happens if she tells an adult and it is reported to the proper authorities? In all likelihood, the children will be taken from him and they might be split up in foster homes. He will, likely, go to jail, or be branded a sex offender. If she uncorks that genie by telling an adult there will be no going back. And the consequences will not be pretty.

    Jake, I wholeheartedly agree with your last comment:
    Please don't let this continue.
    But I believe that there is a possibility that she can stop it by saying no. If he can realize the harm he has done and the consequences of his actions, it can be stopped without catastrophic effect on the family. Remember there are three children involved here. We need to think about the effects of her telling an adult, not just stopping him. If he won't take no for an answer then yes, he has to be stopped. But think of the effect on this girl if she breaks up the family.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #9

    May 18, 2015, 11:04 AM
    I agree with much of what you have said Scott.

    Should she tell him to stop, I hope it does stop. There are often consequences to the victim if she does not. For instance, if she tells, then the same pressure is on her from her father, that if she does tell, the family may be split up. Children will fear what will happen to other members of her family, and herself, if he threatens her to keep quiet, so that she will comply. That is one area where I worry she is heading toward.

    Pedophiles do not stop, and the recidivism rate is very high. I have never heard of a pedophile being 'cured'. I am not sure, nor do I know enough to know what this man's history is, or what motivates him to examine his naked daughter in such a manner, but I'd love to crack his computer.

    On the other hand, I cannot think of a single reason why he needs to examine her genitals, touch her breasts, etc. That is forbidden territory to a girl heading into puberty, or any other stage of her life. He knows already what he is doing is criminally wrong.

    I hope we hear again from this young lady, and she lets us know what happens when she tells her father to leave her alone.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #10

    May 18, 2015, 12:09 PM
    It boggles the mind that someone could hurt someone whom they fathered, assuming they are biologically related. I don't know how you defend that behavior to your maker.

    Also assuming this is not a fabricated exaggerated story and based on the length of time this has allegedly gone on, certain behaviors would present themselves so aren't teachers trained in spotting these?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #11

    May 18, 2015, 02:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Oliver2011 View Post
    It boggles the mind that someone could hurt someone whom they fathered, assuming they are biologically related. I don't know how you defend that behavior to your maker.

    Also assuming this is not a fabricated exaggerated story and based on the length of time this has allegedly gone on, certain behaviors would present themselves so aren't teachers trained in spotting these?
    OP is very articulate. We don't know how old she is, so we all come out with all guns blasting and assume that she is an adolescent being victimized by her father, so oliver has a point here.
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 3,998, Reputation: 468
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    #12

    May 18, 2015, 05:21 PM
    Yes, teachers should've trained to spot abuse, but sometimes it isn't easy to see. I've had kiddos with bruises and that I could see. But sexual abuse is invisible in terms of marks on the body. Unless the child expresses a problem, all we can do is ask if everything is OK. We can phone parents, etc. If we suspect abuse, whether physical, mental, or sexual, we are mandatory reporters. We report it. We don't investigate. We just refer to child services and they come to the school to speak with the child. After we report, it's out of our hands. I'm very educated, especially in the area of abuse. Unfortunately, most teachers aren't and have little to no training other than an annual video to watch.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #13

    May 18, 2015, 05:45 PM
    Well regardless it should have been referred.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7691
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    #14

    May 18, 2015, 10:32 PM
    I am going to ask one more thing, what country are you from, and what is your culture. I will not excuse such behavior, and it is wrong, by any standards I am used to.

    I will agree with Scott on this one, that you merely say NO, in the future, like Scott recommended.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,103, Reputation: 10852
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    #15

    May 21, 2015, 04:30 AM
    Is my dad being sexually abusive?

    YES!!!

    If you have NO female older relatives to talk to, then find a teacher ASAP. I would rather have your family investigated than you be possibly groomed for more and worse abuse. How old are your brothers? How much do they know of your fathers BAD behavior?

    I don't think this is something you should go along with AT ALL, nor handle alone!
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #16

    May 21, 2015, 05:23 AM
    I have some real doubts about the reality of this. There are several clues, not the least of which is that the OP has not returned, that this is a troll.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #17

    May 21, 2015, 09:24 AM
    I couldn't agree more and tried to nicely state early.

    AMHD should have an automated IP checker because I would love to check it against a few previous trollers.


    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem View Post
    I have some real doubts about the reality of this. There are several clues, not the least of which is that the OP has not returned, that this is a troll.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,103, Reputation: 10852
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    #18

    May 21, 2015, 10:15 AM
    Lack of input by the OP seems to give rise to speculation. Or are we just intrigued and glued to this thread?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,847, Reputation: 5428
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    #19

    May 21, 2015, 10:23 AM
    Even if the OP is a troll, there are very likely children out there in cyberspace who will read this thread and learn there is help available.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #20

    May 21, 2015, 10:28 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Lack of input by the OP seems to give rise to speculation. Or are we just intrigued and glued to this thread?
    I suspected troll from my first read. I'm not going to discuss my reasoning in public. It was just reinforced by the lack of response.

    But we do have to (and we did) treat this as a real situation until it is clear that it is otherwise. The advice has been given, though I still feel it may be jumping the gun to bring the authorities into it without first just saying No.

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