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    grpch75's Avatar
    grpch75 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Sep 1, 2017, 08:51 AM
    Child sexuality
    This is very difficult to discuss, but I wanted to get some input on what I should do. When my son was 10 years old and my niece was 6 years old, he inappropriately touched her. My sister came to me and told me about the incident, but my son has never discussed it with me, at all. Every time I asked him about it, he would get very defensive and angry and say nothing happened and refused to talk to me. About 5 years ago, we lived with my sister and her family briefly when I relocated. According to my sister, during that time, my niece (now 22) started cutting herself apparently because of the stress of my son being under the same roof. However, she outwardly showed no signs of hate or dislike towards him. In fact, they would do things together and she seemed quite protective of him when her very forward girl friend made advances toward him. At the time he was a very na´ve 21 year old and had a hard time being around others, especially girls. I kept a close eye on them because of the past incident to protect both kids. Now she is newly engaged and my sister has decided to let me know of the cutting problem as my niece has entered counseling and so the incident has reared its ugly head again. My son, now 26, has a job and never goes out except to work. He stays in his room and plays games with online "friends" and prefers that to actual interaction with live people. He seems very uncomfortable around the family in general and seldom interacts with anyone. I am very concerned because I have only heard my sister's side of the story and I have never been able to get him to talk about it. Now, my niece's psychologist says she has to "confront" him about the incident and I am very concerned that this will further push my son to alienation even though I know this is something that needs to happen so my niece to move forward. My sister says it will help my son too. But I am really scared it will make him worse and more of a hermit than he already is. I don't know what to do at this point. I am not saying I don't believe my niece, I am just not sure how to handle all of this information and my son. I don't want to accuse, I am angry at myself because I don't want to believe her, but if it is true, how do I help my son?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Sep 1, 2017, 09:37 AM
    This is kind of scary, but have you ever had the chance to talk to your niece about this? Have you ever though about talking to someone yourself about your son? I would much prefer you get guidance from someone detached and professional, and personally available to you on something this sensitive, someone you trust, and maybe your family doctor could recommend someone. Not saying your sister or niece, or even your son, is wrong, but I don't know if she has the whole story, or all the facts in this matter, so I, or any stranger, has no idea what the real story is, and hard to give any relevant advice, except this may require more, and longer term help, than a stranger could give you.

    I think you AND maybe your sister need as much help, love, and support as your niece is getting, because it's almost as traumatic for the both of you as parents as it is for her. I also feel the best help you can give your son, is to make sure you help YOURELF as best you can. As a parent myself I do know that when are children go through thing, so do we, especially after they have grown up and going their own way.

    Is it just the two of you? Is it just the one sister you have? I know how helpless and isolated you feel, and that can't be good.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
    Ultra Member

    Sep 3, 2017, 02:07 PM
    To be honest this was a tough read and it's difficult to know what the proper advice is to give you. Going in know that this is just my opinion.

    What is is good for niece is not necessarily the best for your son. Obviously your son is your primary focus. I don't understand the therapy approach of confronting. The outcome is unknown and there are no guarantees going in. I know this because I didn't have a great childhood and confronted someone about that. Bad decision and not a good outcome. Your son sounds like he's dealing with a few issues that may or may not be related to the event many years ago. I would work on his life way before dealing with that issue.

    I moved my life forward when I finally realized I controlled how I feel every day and how I react to every situation. Constantly letting someone to use a crutch as an excuse keeps pay coming into the therapist. Think about that. Therapy should focus on moving the patient forward and not constantly living in the past.

    Again, only my opinion.

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