Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    wchrysta's Avatar
    wchrysta Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Dec 4, 2014, 10:10 AM
    My boyfriend's 2y/o daughter bites me.
    Why do children bite? What are they trying to express or is it a lack of being able to express?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #2

    Dec 4, 2014, 11:21 AM
    (I wrote this just before you deleted your longer post. I'm not going to edit it.)

    Many children go through a biting stage. I have a niece who did it right before kindergarten, and there was concern that she was going to get kicked out. But she stopped as soon as school started. She is not a product of shared parenting. When she bit me (she bit anyone), I yelled OW and walked away. She is the youngest of 8, and doted on. Maybe she was afraid of starting kindergarten, I don't know. I think there are countless possible reasons for each child who bites - some anxiety.

    You are doing an admirable job, and showing unusual patience. Your boyfriend is not doing his job! He needs to talk his ex, for starters. It's quite possible that there could be anything from words overheard describing you (witch, evil, etc) all the way to whole rants about you. Is that possible, or does he have a good relationship with his ex? That's the major job for HIM to do, talk with his ex. Second is that HE needs to gradually stop coddling his daughter, and have a few short, firm commands for her, such as 'We don't bite anyone. It HURTS.' Not a punishment, just a pause in the affection to give it emphasis, looking her in the eye with a serious expression. Maybe even a shorter cuddle, saying 'It's time to get you dressed' or some other distraction.
    And third, she cannot lie in bed in the middle! Again, it's his job to make sure she doesn't crawl over him to bite you.
    wchrysta's Avatar
    wchrysta Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Dec 4, 2014, 02:18 PM
    I shortened it because we are both looking for answers online and I don't want him to feel like I'm putting her or him out there. He does tell her that biting is wrong but I know that me telling him to stop coddling her so much is not going to go over well. How do I say something like that in a way that doesn't appear to be an attack? He's so very protective over her (she's his only child), and rightfully so. He's so afraid that she won't want to spend time at our place. As far as her mother is concerned, I've never met her and as far as I know, she only knows that he is dating someone, but I'm not sure that she knows my name. Besides, his daughter calls me mommy, but don't get me wrong, I think she only does that because my children call me mommy and that's what she hears, so she thinks that's my name I'm sure. It breaks my heart to know that I'm causing pain for her. I wish that I could just take the kids and hangout at my sister's while she's with her daddy but with school age children, that's a bit difficult. I feel like she doesn't feel like she belongs and that's all we want for her, to trust that she is loved and safe.

    BTW, thank you for replying, I've been feeling so desperate with all of this.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #4

    Dec 4, 2014, 02:52 PM
    Put yourself inside her skin. If your daddy was with a woman not your mommy -- even at age two, how would you feel? And if she's lying next to him in bed, where would you want to sleep? Yes, she's only two, but her world is askew. Why dos her mommy live somewhere else and not with her daddy, like it used to be? "Fuzzy" thinking, but maybe a little scary for her.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #5

    Dec 7, 2014, 10:53 AM
    To put it bluntly, the biting has to stop. I assume from what you've written that you are the only one she bites?

    I don't see where you have responsibility for this behavior, and I agree that the child's father needs to deal with it. Two years old, is old enough, through discipline, that biting will not be tolerated.

    To be clear, I do not mean corporal punishment. I mean a time out, by one minute, for each year of age. So two minutes.

    Discipline is never easy, but it is necessary. If she learns now, for whatever reason she may be doing it, that she can do it and not suffer any consequences, she is really being taught that when she is angry, she can bite people.

    Who knows what goes on in the mind of a 2 year old. Deal with what you do know, and that is the biting has to stop, and the father must step up, and discipline appropriately, in order for it to stop. Talking to her, or trying harder to please her, or running through a million reasons she's decided to bite you, isn't going to solve the problem. Maybe if she were six or seven, but not 2.

    The longer you wait, and the longer the father waits, the harder it will be to stop this behavior.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #6

    Dec 7, 2014, 11:58 AM
    You asked how to approach him. I would show him this site and what you wrote. You have done nothing to put him down. He needs to see it. He is forgiven for being too eager to make her happy, but that is too much for a 2 year old to handle. She doesn't have a clue what to do, and he is making it worse. She needs that short, simple discipline of standing up, putting her down, looking at her, and saying firmly 'We don't bite people. It HURTS.' Then a time out or some other distraction that doesn't involved cuddling and rewards.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #7

    Dec 7, 2014, 02:30 PM
    Bite her back. Waiting for the fire storm.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #8

    Dec 7, 2014, 02:36 PM
    My small son spit at me once when I scolded him. I spit back, and he spit at me again. I decided my spitting again (or biting back) would not be the way to go. It would end up as a power thing, who could spit (or bite) in the meanest way. That's not what I wanted to teach my son, to see who was bigger and stronger and meaner.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #9

    Dec 7, 2014, 02:42 PM
    A small slap across the mouth might have been a better lesson than spitting. I know today timeout etc. is the cure all.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #10

    Dec 7, 2014, 02:52 PM
    And a small slap across the mouth would have made me a bully who can do that sort of thing because I am bigger and stronger and will use my authority to push around weaker people. I never did that with my children and also never with my coworkers and volunteers. And I never used time-outs.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #11

    Dec 7, 2014, 03:00 PM
    Yep, different times and different strokes. Maybe that is why we have so many criminals today. " Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child" Worked pretty well in my growing up and I never was in trouble with the law also. Nuff Said.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #12

    Dec 7, 2014, 03:04 PM
    I have happy and successful adult children and believe how I raised them worked very well -- and I did not ignore their misbehavior. They were always accountable.

    I remember being spanked only once, mostly because my mother was totally frustrated over something I had done. She and my father didn't spank or slap, but found much more productive and maturity-building ways to discipline us.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,086, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #13

    Dec 7, 2014, 03:35 PM
    We were successful with a very forceful NO. Stern voice, no smiles. Worked on grandkids too

    Got that from my parents..
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
    Expert
     
    #14

    Dec 7, 2014, 04:53 PM
    I never ever had a problem with my son. I guess I followed the old discipline ways; sit down and talk; and if that doesn't work, and the unusual behavior continues, a good slap on the rear worked wonders. Oddly enough, he agrees with me!

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

Daughter`s new boyfriend [ 4 Answers ]

My daughter and I have a great relationship ,we`re more like brother and sister is it weird that I`m jealous of her new boyfriend. We go to concerts and other places together

Help! I need to kick out my daughter, her daughter and her boyfriend. [ 6 Answers ]

I have an 18 year old only child living at home with her baby and her boyfriend. She doesn't do anything I ask and has a lame excuse on why she can't. She doesn't take care of her daughter. She doesn't clean up after herself or her baby. My house looks like a daycare. They don't pay rent. I'm done...

Allergic to flea bites, bites cause moles on my skin to irritate [ 1 Answers ]

I'm highly allergic to flea bites (and mosquito bites too!) and when I get bit it causes some of the moles on my skin to become very irritated and itchy. They turn red and some of them even scab over. Not sure what I can do or what this means. Please help! Thanks!

Bug bites... without the bugs and/or bites [ 3 Answers ]

For the past 4-6 months I've been feelin' like I'm constantly gettin' bitten by bugs all over my arms, torso and legs.....altho I never seem to have any bite marks on me...nor do I ever see any bugs on me or in my home. I've tried doin' a search online but I basically came up empty handed, totally...

Boyfriend may have a daughter [ 55 Answers ]

Hello, My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years and have 2 children together, we both work but are struggling to make ends meet, He also has a child support order for his oldest son. A woman is now coming out and asking him for a paternity test for her 12 year old daughter because the...


View more questions Search