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    confused89's Avatar
    confused89 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jul 22, 2008, 05:23 PM
    Boundaries for parents
    I am a 19 year old student who previously (due to some trials and tribulations) lived on my own. For about a year I moved on my own and rented a basement myself, paying for food, etc. I worked three jobs and was in school full- time. My partner was 10 years my senior and was my first relationship. It was difficult however with all of the stresses and experiences I have dealt with in my life has given me perspective and a sense of maturity of who I am. I lived with my boy friend for one month but soon realized that it was all too soon. When I ended up having a nervous breakdown I yellow-paged my dad (which I have not talked to or seen in 6 years) and started having a parent – figure in my life. When I moved in with him I did not realize I was going to have to go back in time. He freaked out when I slept over with my boy friend that I have known for three years and we both love each other deeply. He basically said he will not let “this continue” and how “I should not be proud of what I am doing.” Now I consider myself a mature, responsible adult, am I wrong to think this is intrusive? My father also said that he needs to meet him, I believe that this should be my choice and his demands are unrealistic to the stage our father daughter relationship is at. Now my current relationship is the last on my priority. I work at a minimum 30 hours a week and in the process of doing many projects to contribute to my aspirations for the future. My father believes I am being "immoral" and "distastful." This is truly in my opinion a violation of my privacy and total judgement on my choices, which I believe is wrong. Where and how can I draw the line? I am reliant for him for financial support and he is currently using this against me. I do not want to lie or change the choices I make just to satisfy his conscience.
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
    Vision Expert

    Jul 22, 2008, 05:26 PM
    Explain to him that you are not a child and that these are your decisions to make. He's probably just thinking of you as a kid again since its been so long since he's seen you.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
    Ultra Member

    Jul 22, 2008, 05:33 PM
    He last spent time with you when you were 14? He is the Dad, it's his house and his moral leanings are different from yours.

    He must begin to see you as the adult you are. The two of you need to discuss ideology and a plan of action. Yes, you are now an adult. He must see that to let go of his control over your every move. What about counselling for you and your Dad? If he is willing to go, you could work out a plan with the assistance of a neutral person.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member

    Jul 22, 2008, 09:47 PM
    Being old fashioned and 'religious morals' as you say there may be no talking to him as he sees it as his house and you should respect him. You may have to make time for your boyfriend during the day rather than overnights until you can afford to move back out on your own.
    erin7799's Avatar
    erin7799 Posts: 159, Reputation: 32
    Junior Member

    Jul 22, 2008, 09:59 PM
    You moved into his house. Correct? Then no matter how old you are or how mature you think you are you have to abide by his rules. At 19 I thought I should be able to do as I pleased. It doesn't work that way. Rules are set for a reason. Now that I am a parent I understand that more now than ever. Just do what he asks of you and the 2 of you could talk about it in the future and maybe you could meet in the middle. Maybe he'd be willing to bend a little if you weren't so defiant about it. Just do what you're doing but do as he asks. It doesn't sound like he's asking too much of you. After all, like you said you rely on him right now. Once a father, always a father. No matte what the past was.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
    Uber Member

    Jul 22, 2008, 10:15 PM
    Erin is right on.

    When in the house of another, you abide by house rules. If you don't like the situation, you take control of your life.

    Yes... you have been on your own. Your father is stressed and worried when you are absent... even if you are an adult.

    You have choices. Fight back and demand more room. Leave. Accept it.

    But honestly... at 19, even though you've been away from him and on your own, you are still a young woman and in the end it is his home.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
    Software Expert

    Jul 23, 2008, 04:55 AM
    No child wants to be told by a parent what to do. At ANY age.

    Meanwhile, you can't have it both ways. You can't move in and "play reliant daughter" and not expect him to "play concerned parent". In fact, I bet you absolutely understand his positions completely. I know you don't agree... at your age, you're not supposed to.

    But that's beside the point. Decide what YOUR relationship to him actually IS and honor that. If you're going to live and rely on him like a daughter, you will stifle your "I'm my own person" stuff and listen to your father. You put yourself into this relationship in these ways and you will benefit from his counsel.

    Live on your own, make your own choices and live with the result. OR, live with Dad as a daughter and heed his guidance. It is that simple.
    zephaniah's Avatar
    zephaniah Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Sep 4, 2008, 09:26 AM
    Leave, go, achieve, let go, adjust, and welcome the world, that we are welcoming you

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