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    busymomma2013's Avatar
    busymomma2013 Posts: 282, Reputation: 20
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    #1

    Jul 29, 2016, 09:49 PM
    Am I Over Thinking?
    Hello everyone. I need some advice on how to handle a current situation. My ex and I have been split for 2 years now. We have a 7 year old son together with whom we share our time with. My ex gets him for a week and I get him for a week. But it seems that my brother and his fiancÚ only ask to take my son or have their son spend time with our son when my ex has him. This is very hurtful and frustrating to me. Not only because I feel betrayed and feel like they rub in it. But also because they know and have heard for themselves my ex calling them names and talking bad about them. And vice versa. So I am confused and am not sure how to bring it up to my family. Advice please! Thank you
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Jul 30, 2016, 03:53 AM
    I know it's easy for me to say 'stay out of it,' because I too have been caught up in family squabbles, as have most of the world.


    Of course it hurts. But it isn't 'betrayal.' It's just plain old hurt. We all get hurt. And don't compound the mess by getting into who is saying awful things about whom! None of that is your business. It sounds like a lot of back stabbing goes on all around. You also have to work on dropping the 'frustration.' You and your ex each have your son for a week at a time, and all that is OK, and ANYTHING else is not for you to decide.

    Find a calm moment to ASK your brother (alone!) if he will explain his feelings, but if you can't keep recriminations out of the talk, you will just make it worse. So just LISTEN, if he is willing to talk. It's OK to say it hurts, but that's all. Hurt and just want to understand. You can't change his feelings.
    Someone or more than one of the people involved don't like you, apparently. Often one parent is 'blamed' for the breakup, even though it takes 2 to tangle. Happens every day. But maybe someone just doesn't like you. Plenty of people don't like me. We all have to accept many hurts for what they are.


    Congratulations on keeping your son out of this. He probably senses what is going on, but doesn't need to hear about it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,107, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Jul 30, 2016, 06:46 AM
    How is this affecting the relationship between you and your son? How is his behavior when he is with you? That would be my guide if I were in your shoes, as well as examining your relationship with your brother (AND his fiance). The story behind your divorce would also shed some light as well as the unspoken agreement between you if you would care to share it.

    What other family members were you going to bring this issue to? I know a lot of questions but I feel that more info would help greatly for an informed opinion, or suggestion but off the top personal issues should be handled personally between people before bringing anyone else into the mess. So the question is what's up between you and your brother, or do you have a boyfriend/lifestyle or something he doesn't approve of?

    How do you and your ex get along NOW?
    busymomma2013's Avatar
    busymomma2013 Posts: 282, Reputation: 20
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    #4

    Aug 22, 2016, 08:39 AM
    At first, my EX and I had a rough coparenting situation. But NOW we are doing great. There is legal agreement, but we have worked out something that works for both of us. Which, as I stated above, is week on week off. Monday to Monday. We are both in new relationships that I believe are very healthy. And our son is doing awesomely well with the situation. Our sons behavior is normal 7 year old boy behavior. He is well rounded and we have no huge issues with him. As a matter of fact, he has been tested, per the community school district, for advance classes.

    The this that gets me the most about the situation with my brother and SIL is the fact that when they make plans with My sons father, I am always brpught into them somehow, when I believe what plans they make together on my EX's time should be between them. I'll give you a couple of examples.

    On Friday, July 29th, which was my EX's week and weekend woth our son, I received a text message from my SIL stating that she asked my EX if she could have our son Sunday night until Monday, but my EX informed her that I get Deegan Monday. So, she was giving me a heads up that my EX was going to talk to me. Which is fine. But really, I never get our son back until Monday evenings after his dad is off work. So, this wouldn't need to be brought to my attention at all.I told My SIL that she could take him and I'd get him back from her and asked when I should expect him home. She responded with, "Well, I was expecting that drive and I rhought it was Davids (name has been changed of my EX) week so, I guess we will just do it another time." Thatbis when I polity said to her that any plans between her and David were between her and David and there was really no need for me to be involved in them. I never got a response. Prior to this last incident, back on Mothers Day weekend, which happened to fall on my EX'S time with our son, I made arrangements with him to get our son that Sunday for Mothers day. When again I get text from my SIL stating that they are taking their kids to the Great Wolf Lodge and wantbtontake Deegan and thought it was his dads time with him, so what's the big deal. At first I was not going tonlet it happen as we had already made plans for Mothers Day, but then got to thinking that he'd have a blast at Great Wolf and I would be the bad guy if I said he couldn't go. Seems they already asked him if he wanted to. So, I was talking with my EX about the arrangements and my phone rings, it's my brother, wanting to know why I was going behind his wife back and making plans with my EX about our sons plans for the weekend. My response was simple, "He's OUR SON."

    There really are so many other things. I could go on and on about. But I am so tired of the rift I feel or the "lets pretend that nothis is wrong and be happy while we are around each other " fasude that is going on.
    busymomma2013's Avatar
    busymomma2013 Posts: 282, Reputation: 20
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    #5

    Aug 22, 2016, 08:48 AM
    By bring it up to my my family, I mean my Brother and SIL
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #6

    Aug 22, 2016, 12:16 PM
    Strange situation to be in. Does the Ex live closer to them than you do? Could it be simply a matter of it being easier to pick up and spend time with your son when he's with your ex?

    I would sit down and talk to them about this, tell them how you're feeling about what's been going on, and ask them to explain why they're handling things this way. Be calm, be honest, and make sure they know how you feel about this. But don't cause a big scene, it could blow up in your face and make the situation even worse than it already is.
    busymomma2013's Avatar
    busymomma2013 Posts: 282, Reputation: 20
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    #7

    Aug 22, 2016, 12:19 PM
    No, my ex is the same distance from them as I am. We both reside in the same Town. Thank you Alty. I will try to write down all my thoughts and feelings and sit down to talk with them.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #8

    Aug 22, 2016, 12:21 PM
    Let me know how it goes. I hope it can be worked out. This is your brother, and he really should be dealing with you when he wants to spend time with his nephew. Why he's dealing with your ex instead, is just strange, and very hurtful.
    Precious7's Avatar
    Precious7 Posts: 333, Reputation: 61
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    #9

    Aug 22, 2016, 12:40 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by busymomma2013 View Post
    Hello everyone. I need some advice on how to handle a current situation. My ex and I have been split for 2 years now. We have a 7 year old son together with whom we share our time with. My ex gets him for a week and I get him for a week. But it seems that my brother and his fiancÚ only ask to take my son or have their son spend time with our son when my ex has him. This is very hurtful and frustrating to me. Not only because I feel betrayed and feel like they rub in it. But also because they know and have heard for themselves my ex calling them names and talking bad about them. And vice versa. So I am confused and am not sure how to bring it up to my family. Advice please! Thank you
    Could it be that, Your brother and FiancÚ, only ask to take your son or have their son spend time with your son when your ex has him because, They respect and care for you and your relationship time between you and your son, so they don't want to take away your opportunity and good time that you spend with your son. So they don't ask for your son when you have him, instead they ask for your son when your ex has him. Because you are your brother's sister so from his side he would care more for your side of time, relationship, etc with your son, instead of your ex's.
    Just my perspective.
    busymomma2013's Avatar
    busymomma2013 Posts: 282, Reputation: 20
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    #10

    Sep 1, 2016, 10:14 AM
    Precious, I do not believe that this could be a result in my family worried about my time with my son. There is really little to no contact between us. There really is a whole lot more to the situation. And it is a lot to explain. Also, a lot of family drama in the past several years, even before my ex and I split.

    Alty, it is hard for me to just brush it off, but I feel like if I don't it will only escalate. So, with that said, I will just let this go. I am not going to feed into her drama. I am going to keep the peace and take the bullet for the kids.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #11

    Sep 1, 2016, 11:48 AM
    I made a simple suggestion 2 days ago that seems to have been lost - ask your brother about it, alone.
    Your additional anecdotes add to the notion that one or more individuals don't like you.
    I don't know what else to say.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7691
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    #12

    Sep 1, 2016, 07:09 PM
    Let me see, they see the son, using up your ex's visit time. You complain because they are not using up your time?

    I would say you are overthinking it, and really does it matter ?

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