Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    ACaseofCrazies's Avatar
    ACaseofCrazies Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #1

    Apr 9, 2006, 10:19 PM
    Abusive Teen Son Hates Me
    My 15 y.o. son is not speaking to me again. This has been going on since mid December of '05. He tells me he hates me and that as far as he is concerned, he hopes that he never sees me again. He hates me with every bone in his body. Calls me names like c***, idiot, etc.

    I am trying to understand why my son speaks to me the way he does and has no respect for me at all. He seems to actually enjoy hurting me and watching me suffer.

    Why is he able to so easily detach himself from his me? Months and months have gone by; no communication from him whatsoever. I truly thought that I was a good mom, not perfect but one who loved her son with all of her heart and soul. I have searched deep inside to try to figure out what I have done to deserve this from my own son, but have come up empty.

    He is depressed and angry. He lives with his father who allows him to do whatever he wants, when he wants. Much easier to be a friend to our son than a parent. He has gone from all A's in school to all F's, he has been expelled from school and has been arrested 3 times. All of this in just a few short months. He has been spiraling downhill for a couple of years now, but most especially over the last 6 months.

    Any thoughts or suggestions? I miss him so, but need to find some peace for my own well being.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member
     
    #2

    Apr 10, 2006, 04:38 AM
    Hi,
    I am sorry to read about this, and your son does have a problem. This is one indication of drugs; but not always. Something that drastically changes the "thinking" of a person has to be dealt with.
    I am 64, married 29 yrs, with my wife and I raising 3 children, who are now grown and moved away for better jobs. We have 1 grandson.
    First, it's not your fault!! So please, stop thinking it is. Since your son lives with his father, then the father is the one who should be seeing all this, and taking appropriate actions. Your own well-being is up to you, and I know it must be hard seeing this happening, and can't do anything about it.
    His father needs to take your son to Counseling, going with him. You both should go with your son to talk with someone, if he will go with both of you.
    If his father won't "hear of it", and your son won't go with you to some type of counseling, then I really don't know much you can do.
    I do wish you the best, and please don't think all this is your fault; it isn't. His father has seen this happening, and not done anything to try helping with it.
    Best of luck.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Apr 10, 2006, 04:41 AM
    I agree with what Fredg is saying. Even if its not drugs your son is at that rebelous age, and will do anything to upset you.
    Counselling is probably a good idea, although I very much doubt your son will be willing to go. But you are his mum as u know what's best for him, so even if it mean dragging him from ears, and his father should know better and agree with you for your sons well-being.
    Good Luck.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #4

    Apr 10, 2006, 06:15 AM
    I would say that going back to court and trying to force the court make your ex take responsibility or action is needed.

    This is one of the biggest signs of drug usage that you can see. Not saying it is, but big chance it is.

    And as a non costodial parent, you have almost no say, nothing you can make them do. Without going though the court system.

    Also the other idea is that your ex hates you so much he has turned your son against you, that happens a lot also. He hears dad say that you are a... and a... all the time and soon he believes it.

    He also maynot understand why he is with his dad and not you, and blames you for that.
    ACaseofCrazies's Avatar
    ACaseofCrazies Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #5

    Apr 10, 2006, 06:43 AM
    Thank you for your empathy and insight. Yes, my son is using drugs and swears that he will never give it up (marijuana). Only through a probation hearing has my request for counseling been heard. He is being drug tested on a regular basis as part of his contract with the school district, but that will only last as long as he has to be in the program.

    My ex husband can't seem to put our past in the past. He lies to me on a continuous basis regarding our son or just "forgets" to keep me informed about our son, (we have joint legal custody). He insists that he can't force our son to get the help that he needs. I don't get it!

    If you know of any support groups for parents going through similar problems, I would appreciate very much if you would forward the information to me.

    Thank you so very much for your help!
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
    Senior Member
     
    #6

    Apr 10, 2006, 10:37 AM
    You may wish to attend Famlies Anonymous meetings for support.

    You can find a local meeting via their website at: http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
    ACaseofCrazies's Avatar
    ACaseofCrazies Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #7

    Apr 10, 2006, 06:05 PM
    Thank you for your suggestion. I went to the website and unfortunately there are not any meetings where I live. How might I go about seeing that one gets started?
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
    Senior Member
     
    #8

    Apr 10, 2006, 08:37 PM
    Often times our group will go out to the smaller centers and help them get started. It's helpful, but not necessary to have someone with experience come out and provide you an example of how they operate.

    If there is a group near you, you can contact them to see if they are willing to help you. You can also contact the FA World Service Office via the website for information on how to start a local chapter.
    ACaseofCrazies's Avatar
    ACaseofCrazies Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #9

    Apr 10, 2006, 08:39 PM
    I am actually going to attend a meeting this Thursday!

    Thanks so much for your help! I am looking forward to this...
    GenomeX's Avatar
    GenomeX Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #10

    Apr 12, 2006, 09:22 AM
    Ok I'm 17 so I think I can give some advice.

    You seem like a great mom and I too have got great parents. Maybe perhaps its something genetic (a teacher of mine said that sometimes a persons personality is genetic, like for example I watched this documentary on how they found out that there might actually be a 'criminal gene').

    You mentioned that all this has happened very recently. Well this is typical since once kid gets into trouble once, he starts to feel like a badboy and has no trouble doing it again. I remember when I drove my dads car (an expensive new Jaguar S-type) without a licence and insurance. After that I felt like a badboy, and continued. I then crashed it and it was totally wrecked it. Since I've got very understanding parents, they actually let it go by (this is when I knew that I could do anything without getting into trouble... perhaps that's what your son is going through now). After that I felt like a real badboy and started doing all sorts of stuff. Again, since I've got very understanding parents, they sent me to this therapist/conseling guy and he sorted me all out.. so yeah now id conisder myself as a 'goodkid'.

    Maybe your son needs some counceling/therapy... it really helped me big time, maybe it'll help yours too (especially before he does something real bad, like me wrecking my dad's pride & joy car lol).
    jep1982's Avatar
    jep1982 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Jun 11, 2006, 11:07 PM
    Since I've been a rebellious teenager before (Im 23 now) I may be of some help. First off, don't blame yourself for anything! You've raised your son to your best knowledge, but there comes a time in every teenagers life when they need to be "someone." Meaning they need to figure out who they are. More often than not they tend to go way over the edge and do things that are out of their character. Your son is choosing to call you names and close up his emotions.

    Im almost positive his reactions towards what is going on with you and his Father are a main cause of his problems. Its apparent your ex doesn't care what he says about you in front of him, etc... So therefore your son may think it's true and/or okay to feel the same. Im sure he's very confused as well. Do you ever bad mouth his Dad in front of him or around him? Even if you don't think you are, more often than not kids are listening. I don't know the whole background on your situation, however, I can assure you (while it may take some time) everything will turn out for the better. I would suggest calling a lawyer, (or yours if you have one) and explain your worries and ask what can be done in Family Court. It's obvious your ex isn't doing a d*** thing to make sure your son is safe, so you need to step in somehow. Another good idea is to keep a journal of what happens for at least 2 weeks. Anything you think is significant will do. Make sure to bring this to your lawyer so he/she can discuss the ramifications with you.

    Also, being that your son is only 15, he is a minor. Your lawyer can also help you with getting him some help now, rather than later. Legally he does not have a choice to keep up his shinanigans, so a court decision is best to decide what he needs. But being his Mom and realizing he needs help makes you still a good Mom, and shows you love him with all of your heart and soul.

    Good Luck, and I hope Ive been some help. Please keep us all posted.
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #12

    Jun 15, 2006, 09:23 AM
    OK, before going any further here, check the last date of this thread, it was in April, and has not been responded to since.

    Just a reminder for new members to check the dates.

    Enjoy the forum!


    wynelle's Avatar
    wynelle Posts: 184, Reputation: 21
    Junior Member
     
    #13

    Jun 16, 2006, 06:58 PM
    The child needs to be placed in an in-patient drug program where both his father and you will be expected to be involved in counselling.

    This child is angry- probably with both you and his father. He is acting out and abusing drugs. He will progress to stronger and stronger drugs.

    You *can* do something. You share legal custody. Have him placed in treatment regardless of whether you drug-addicted fifteen-year-old will be happy about it. It isn't necessarily about what he wants! It's about what is best for him, while he is young enough to be ordered into treatment.
    ACaseofCrazies's Avatar
    ACaseofCrazies Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #14

    Jun 17, 2006, 02:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by wynelle
    The child needs to be placed in an in-patient drug program where both his father and you will be expected to be involved in counselling.

    This child is angry- probably with both you and his father. He is acting out and abusing drugs. He will progress to stronger and stronger drugs.

    You *can* do something. You share legal custody. Have him placed in treatment regardless of whether you drug-addicted fifteen-year-old will be happy about it. It isn't necessarily about what he wants!! It's about what is best for him, while he is young enough to be ordered into treatment.
    Thank you for your suggestions! My ex husband and I have actually placed our son in a wonderful place located in Thompson Falls, Montana. He has been there for approximately 1 month now and is drug free and thriving.

    He will be there for a minimum of 1 year where he gets his education, therapy, behavior modification, etc. I received my first letter from him last week, and it was full of so much love and sincere apologies for the pain that he has caused.

    Both his dad and I are very committed to our son's health and welfare and have committed to doing this together for our son and for ourselves.

    I feel very, very blessed and hopeful for our son's future and for ours as a family!

    Thank you!
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #15

    Jun 18, 2006, 02:04 PM
    Wow, now I can understand why you've not responded back to us in a while.

    Glad that things are looking good for you and your son's future. I really hope that all goes well.

    Please also take into consideration that a few hours of counseling would do you and your husband a lot of good. When something goes wrong in a family, some members tend to look for 'blame' in themselves, and this also needs to be worked at. There is actually no real blame to place on any one individual, it could also be circumstances and outside influence. But, I'm certain that you are already aware of these possibilities if you've checked the program that the clinic has to offer and know what you can look forward to.

    Again, good luck, and please keep us posted.


    I think it is super that you all have a 'second chance'. Not all families are that lucky.
    ACaseofCrazies's Avatar
    ACaseofCrazies Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #16

    Jun 18, 2006, 03:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Chery
    Wow, now I can understand why you've not responded back to us in a while.

    Glad that things are looking good for you and your son's future. I really hope that all goes well.

    Please also take into consideration that a few hours of counseling would do you and your husband a lot of good. When something goes wrong in a family, some members tend to look for 'blame' in themselves, and this also needs to be worked at. There is actually no real blame to place on any one individual, it could also be circumstances and outside influence. But, I'm certain that you are already aware of these possibilities if you've checked the program that the clinic has to offer and know what you can look forward to.

    Again, good luck, and please keep us posted.


    I think it is super that you all have a 'second chance'. Not all families are that lucky.
    You are so right! We have been given a second chance, one which we are and will be forever grateful for. The program our son is in is not only for him, but for us as well.

    Our journey has just begun and we have a long road ahead of us, but we are ready for the challenge!

    Nina
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #17

    Jun 18, 2006, 03:17 PM
    This may seem strange, but I swear I can feel your joy all the way here in Germany. You are very fortunate and I'm sure that many parents who read this will gain hope through you, and maybe even a little envy.

    Don't forget to keep us up-to-date, at least once a month, please. It does us all good to read some good news.

    I bet the next one will be even better!
    ACaseofCrazies's Avatar
    ACaseofCrazies Posts: 8, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #18

    Jun 18, 2006, 03:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Chery
    This may seem strange, but I swear I can feel your joy all the way here in Germany. You are very fortunate and I'm sure that many parents who read this will gain hope through you, and maybe even a little envy.

    Don't forget to keep us up-to-date, at least once a month, please. It does us all good to read some good news.

    I bet the next one will be even better!
    How powerful and positive it is to not only feel so much joy and happiness, but to share it with others as well. This is truly a blessing for all of us!

    Thank you for bringing a smile to my face and a deep sense of pride to my heart!

    Hugs,

    Nina
    Chery's Avatar
    Chery Posts: 3,666, Reputation: 698
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #19

    Jun 18, 2006, 04:21 PM
    Nina, you came here in sorrow, and now you have a joyous new outlook. That sounds to me like the beginning of a 'success story', and the world needs more and more of them.

    Keep on sharing it with us, dear.

    Kadehadaire's Avatar
    Kadehadaire Posts: 197, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #20

    Jul 6, 2006, 12:47 PM
    I went through something similar when I was younger. I can't say why it happened, and it certainly wasn't to the same extent as your son, but in the end, my mother made me accountable for thwe things I was doing. She took no interest in my rebellion and treated me with disregard. It pained her, but she knew that when she fussed over me and tried to sort it out I enjoyed her pain and did it more. I guess it was a taste of being alone, but it helped. Maybe you could take something from that. Not sure. (I mean I was 12 and a girl, so not sure if it's the same.)

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

My Daughter hates me! [ 16 Answers ]

I have been living with my Mom since the birth of my daughter (who's now 20 months). Her Dad left for a job abroad when she was only 6 months old. She has become very attached to my Mom (her granny), and doesn't want to leave her even for a sec. Moreover we have a whole army of servants and...

My mother hates me [ 19 Answers ]

I really need to talk to someone no matter what I do it is never good enough for my mother. I love her very much but we cannot get along at all, I really would love to have a relationship to where we could be friends. I am 30 yrs. Old I have been married for almost 14 years.my father was a acholic...

13 YO hates Mom... please help [ 10 Answers ]

I have 2 boys - 16 and almost 14. Since the divorce in 1998 my sons have lived in both homes until 2004 when my oldest became so angry and frustrated with the situation that he attempted to overdose on antibiotics. A clear scream for help. At that time Dad finally said he could come and live...

My brother hates me! [ 1 Answers ]

Yet another question but this time not about my b/f... My b/f's brother. He just got a g/f about 3 months ago and me and him used to be really close I used to call him my big brother and he called me his little sis yeah close so since he got his g/f he's been ignoring me and being an ass I told him...


View more questions Search