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Linda Hoare · Feb 5, 2010, 07:15 AM

I have always loved my daughter, and given her everything she needed, always helpd her when she asked. I always like buying her things, and I don't feel I over did it with gifts. But I have been accused of bribbing her, but I asked nothing in return. I bought her a computer and was paying for the internet, and then I found out that her and my brother (who has not seen me in 20 years) were bad mouthing me. Saying I was kissing her and I am trying to run her life because I asked her if she wanted to go back to school. I offered to help her with her student loans and this is what I get. So for a long time she has been pretendig to get along with me so she would get stuff from me. I don't get it.

JudyKayTee · Feb 5, 2010, 07:27 AM

Saying you were kissing her? I don't understand that part.

Is she employed? Does she live with you? Has this always been her attitude?

Maybe you are enabling her behavior and she needs to be out on her own.

Linda Hoare · Feb 5, 2010, 08:23 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Saying you were kissing her? I don't understand that part.

Is she employed? Does she live with you? Has this always been her attitude?

Maybe you are enabling her behavior and she needs to be out on her own.

Thank you for your answer, my daughter lives with her boyfriend and she has 2 kids. We seemed to be getting along fine, till I saw what she put on the internet. She said that I am kissing her . Meaning I buy her stuff so she is nice to me. I bought her stuff because I love her and I asked nothing in return. So I don't get it. I offered to help with her loans and I am accused of trying to run her life, just because I asked if she wanted to go back to school.

JoeCanada76 · Feb 5, 2010, 09:50 AM

It seems to me that your blowing this way out of proportion. As far as your daughter is concerned she is living her own life with her boyfriend and two children. Whether she thinks you kiss her a@@ or not who cares. Your assuming that she is saying certain things for certain reasons. She never said she hated you but you get that from one sentence. You know what you may offer to do certain things but sounds like she wants to do certain things on her own and you need to let her.

Take care of yourself.

Joe

Jake2008 · Feb 5, 2010, 11:30 AM

Maybe you are doing too much, and she is taking it all for granted. So much so that she can say what she did, on the net, to the entire world.

I don't think it was a slip of the tongue, especially if you also (obviously) will see what she reads.

Give less, and expect more respect. I wouldn't offer up any money for anything for the time being. She'll get the picture soon enough.

When some time has passed, ask her simply what she meant by her remarks.

neverme · Feb 5, 2010, 11:35 AM

Is kissing her a** a euphemism for trying to help now?

L I say cut her off financially, let her respect what you do for her.

She is 26, she can take care of herself.

Linda Hoare · Feb 5, 2010, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

Is kissing her a** a euphemism for trying to help now?

l I say cut her off financially, let her respect what you do for her.

She is 26, she can take care of herself.

What my daughter means I think is that I am being accused of bribbing her with things. I am giving her stuff so she will love me, that is kissing he . I guess. But I did what my mother did for me, she asked for help and I helped her, and yes, she is cut off for sure.
Thank you so much
I am so new at this, and not sure I am doing this write. Would you e-mail me to let me know that you got this. [email protected]
Thanks again
Linda

neverme · Feb 5, 2010, 02:01 PM

We all got it. This site doesn't encourage personal emails though. :)

Linda Hoare · Feb 5, 2010, 02:07 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

We all got it. This site doesn't encourage personal emails though. :)

Thanks so much for the info

Linda

Linda Hoare · Feb 5, 2010, 02:11 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

It seems to me that your blowing this way out of proportion. As far as your daughter is concerned she is living her own life with her boyfriend and two children. Whether she thinks you kiss her a@@ or not who cares. Your assuming that she is saying certain things for certain reasons. She never said she hated you but you get that from one sentence. You know what you may offer to do certain things but sounds like she wants to do certain things on her own and you need to let her.

Take care of yourself.

Joe

Wow, this is a lot to think about. It gives me some home that we are not finished for ever. Her birthday is this month. I guess I will invite the family over and see if they come. Thank you so much.

Linda Hoare · Feb 5, 2010, 02:13 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Maybe you are doing too much, and she is taking it all for granted. So much so that she can say what she did, on the net, to the entire world.

I don't think it was a slip of the tongue, especially if you also (obviously) will see what she reads.

Give less, and expect more respect. I wouldn't offer up any money for anything for the time being. She'll get the picture soon enough.

When some time has passed, ask her simply what she meant by her remarks.

Sounds good. I will not give her anything that is for sure. Her birthday is this month, I think I will invite the family over just for a cake and maybe a small dinner and see if they come or not.
Thanks

JudyKayTee · Feb 5, 2010, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by Linda Hoare

What my daughter means I think is that I am being accused of bribbing her with things. I am giving her stuff so she will love me, that is kissing he . I guess. But I did what my mother did for me, she asked for help and I helped her, and yes, she is cut off for sure.
Thank you so much
I am so new at this, and not sure I am doing this write. Would you e-mail me to let me know that you got this. [email protected]
Thanks again
Linda

I posted that emails are not allowed but it got pulled along with your post - if go to your post and use the "edit" feature you can remove the email address but leave your post.

Anything else you care to add on the board? Unfortunately, emails take the subject off the board and into private conversation and nobody learns anything.

(My Dad grew up in Ellicottville - hello neighbor!)

Linda Hoare · Feb 5, 2010, 02:21 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I posted that emails are not allowed but it got pulled along with your post - if go to your post and use the "edit" feature you can remove the email address but leave your post.

Anything else you care to add on the board? Unfortunately, emails take the subject off the board and into private conversation and nobody learns anything.

(My Dad grew up in Ellicottville - hello neighbor!)

Thank you very much for the info

encore212 · Feb 13, 2010, 01:27 PM

Be good to yourself, you care and want the best for her, if she wants to try to make a fool of you, let her know in a nice way assuming she is stupid that this is disrepectful. And if she doesn't see the error of her ways, don't say anymore, just make yourself happy and worry about you. Because chances are she'll call you when she needs something.

I can understand why you be upset with her and your jerk brother bad mouthing you. Sounds like they feel inferior to you, because why else be like this.

Linda Hoare · Feb 14, 2010, 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by encore212

Be good to yourself, you care and want the best for her, if she wants to try to make a fool of you, let her know in a nice way assuming she is stupid that this is disrepectful. And if she doesn't see the error of her ways, don't say anymore, just make yourself happy and worry about you. Because chances are she'll call you when she needs something.

i can understand why you be upset with her and your jerk brother bad mouthing you. sounds like they feel inferior to you, because why else be like this.

Yes, I would never give my daughter anything. The worst thing is that even if we did make up, I still would never, ever be able to trust her again. Never. I invited her here for her birthday, if she does not come, then she does not come, no gifts of course. I cut off her phone & internet, so she is of course mad. She is like a little kit that got cought with her hand in the cookie jar. But of course I am the bad guy. I am just trying to think of the grand children now. I still can't figure our why my 60 yr old brother who has not seen me since high school would be bad mouthing me to my daughter. That I just don't understand. He won't even tell me why he is mad at me. Oh well. I do hope she shows up on Tues for her birthday. God, I do want her back in my life, it would be so much easier for holidays with the kids. But why is she mad at me when she is the one that got cought doing something wrong, stupid and disrespective? Oh well. Thanks

Lora88 · Feb 15, 2010, 04:16 AM

Hi Linda,

I am a Mom of 3 daughters, sadly no sons. I too am struggling with my relationships with my older 2 daughters. My oldest one (29 years old) is somewhat keeping in touch with me but with very little interaction and my 2nd daughter (26 years old), I feel like, wishes me dead... just because over the past 7 monthes we are not communicating at all... in fact she told me she likes the way we are, little or no interaction. I hate the way my family is right now. My 26 year old daughter's husband made a "pass" toward my youngest daughter (24 years old) while my 2nd daughter was pregnant and this has divided my little family so bad it is awful. We didn't celebrate Christmas together and I have only got to see my newest grandbaby twice. Right now I feel like my life really stinks... this is one of the hardest things I have ever has to endure.

Linda Hoare · Feb 16, 2010, 03:22 PM

Oh my God, I know just how you feel, why are families like this. These kids should be grown up by now. I guess all we can do is wait for them to grow up and pray. I just don't know what else to do. I know how much it hurts. I know how much life hurts, and no matter what we do as mothers, it is always wrong. I invited my daughter here tonight for her birthday, and I guess her boyfriend twisted her arm, they say they are coming. We are sitting here waiting, but I can't wait for this dinner to be over with, but at least we will get to see the two grand kids. Good luck and keep in touch.

JudyKayTee · Feb 16, 2010, 04:36 PM

Linda, your stomach must be in knots! Fingers crossed that things go well.

Linda Hoare · Feb 18, 2010, 01:25 PM

Thank you, I have been so very upset and disapoited. I invited my duaghter here for her birthday and she did come, the boy friend probably made her. They were pleasant enough, but then I got an e-mail from my brother and he said the two of them talked and they have both blocked me from Facebook, so in other words - stick it - so nothing has changed, she just facking it, like she has been for years. Oh well. Come mothers day we can just skip it. What is the point of going along just because the boyfriend is making her.
Thanks, take care

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 01:48 PM

Wow - I'm surprised. Sounds like she talks out of both sides of her mouth.

Maybe your best option right now is to have no contact - how many times can you get slapped before you give up?

Sad.