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    Loriann1's Avatar
    Loriann1 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 4, 2015, 05:36 PM
    My 21 year old daughter is disrespectful
    My 21-year-old daughter is visiting, she's been here going on two months. Everybody in the family has been fed up with her rude behavior. But the problem is, she doesn't see that she has any fault which is the biggest problem. I am so miserable with her here and lock myself in the bedroom most the time. I've tried sitting down and talking with her calmly, praying with her, asking her to go out and do things with me, everything that I can think of but all she wants to do is eat and watch TV. I have paid well over $2000 for her teeth and other needs. Still he doesn't take any of that into consideration when yelling at me to get out of her room or making cruel comments about how I look at my age. I can't afford to get her a Motel does anybody have any suggestions?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,812, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Apr 4, 2015, 05:41 PM
    Why is she visiting (Easter? spring break?) and for how long? Is this her usual behavior? Does she have a job? If so, doing what?
    Loriann1's Avatar
    Loriann1 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 4, 2015, 06:17 PM
    Combo of many things including her boyfriend in California being abusive. I want to help but the 3 job opportunities suggested she turned down because of her late hours. My concern is that she has always been a difficult child and had problems making friends, school etc... It's overwhelming and I believe she needs psychological help. How can I break this to her without her feeling I'm suggesting she's crazy... She would take offense no matter how smooth you try to tak to her.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 38,812, Reputation: 5431
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    #4

    Apr 4, 2015, 06:42 PM
    I suggest YOU go to counseling and get help on how to manage this. The counselor will invite her to a session or two.

    Is there a dad?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Apr 4, 2015, 07:32 PM
    Tell her to take a job, and start helping, or get out. Sorry, she will be there 2 years, 4 years not working if you allow it.

    Next you do not allow her to be disrespectful, you demand, her to either be quiet and when she says something rude, tell her it is, and not be nice about it any longer. Tell her it is your house, and your rules, if she is acting like 8 year old, treat her like 8 year old.

    Stop giving her money, and start demanding
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #6

    Apr 4, 2015, 07:51 PM
    She's 21... she either starts showing respect... post haste... or she gets evicted and starts completely paying her own way in her own place. She's an adult... you are under no legal obligation to support her or put up with ANY of her abuse.

    My parents would not put up with any of that nonsense... and neither would I.

    Time for some tough love.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5646
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    #7

    Apr 4, 2015, 08:06 PM
    You are her parent, not her friend. You set rules and boundaries for your home that she is required to follow, along with any other children you may still have at home. She follows these rules or she gets evicted. There is no alternative.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #8

    Apr 4, 2015, 08:44 PM
    She's living under your roof, so it's your rules. If she can't handle that, she's old enough to move out and live by her own rules.

    Stop paying for everything, she's not a child, she's an adult. She had 3 jobs handed to her and turned them down. It's time she got off her lazy butt and started pitching in, not only for her own expenses, but rent for living in your home.

    It's time you taught her to stand on her own two feet. Long past time. At 21 she shouldn't be expecting others to take care of her.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #9

    Apr 5, 2015, 07:42 AM
    You are allowing her to treat you this way. I understand it's your kid and you may find it hard to do what you think is mean but you are going to have to remember that she is now an adult. Tell her to straighten up, treat you with respect as it's your house, get a job, or that she will simply have to get out. Don't back down. She is seeing you as weak and is treating you like this because she can get away with it.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #10

    Apr 5, 2015, 10:45 AM
    Practically every word you say here shows that you still treat her like a child while resenting her childish behavior.
    You shouldn't be looking for jobs for her to turn down, just for starters. I have a feeling that you feed her and give her money too.

    She doesn't just walk all over you because she can, she also blames you for how she turned out by age 21. And the clincher, she hates herself for walking all over you, and being a failure, and for blaming you.

    There is only ONE solution with a mean, bitter, adult child in your home, and that is to kick her out. MOTEL??? Drop her at the nearest shelter.
    When she's been working for 3 days at a real job, she can ASK you to come back, at which time you will hand her a list of rules.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #11

    Apr 5, 2015, 11:28 AM
    If you are concerned about coming across as too harsh, and I know that can be difficult at times, put it another way to her. "You know, while I've enjoyed having you visit, this arrangement is not working well any longer. I don't think it is helping you get back on your feet and I don't want you to become too dependent on me for support, so I've decided that 3 months should be enough time for you to be able to find work and a place to live. I'll help you look at places if you'd like."

    This way you can know that you are helping her, encouraging her, and being supportive of her ability to find her own two feet and get settled.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Apr 5, 2015, 01:35 PM
    When a parent doesn't demand respect, and good behavior, they won't get it, especially if there are no consequences for disrespect and bad behavior.

    I would have told her that her visit is over and she has to go. And YES, there would be consequences for not obeying the rules. So is this her fault for letting her wimp you out, or is it YOURS? Correct your mistakes, and maybe she corrects hers. If not she hits the road.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #13

    Apr 6, 2015, 07:02 PM
    I suspect that you are most worried about her behavior getting worse, should you lay down a few rules and expectations here.

    Before she came to visit, surely you had a pretty good idea of what to expect- perhaps next time consider either not allowing a visit, or allowing a visit with conditions.

    You do have options.

    - She needs to go back to where she came from.
    - For her to stay any length of time, she must agree to counseling.
    - If she is not contributing to her own expenses- food, gas, laundry, utilities, etc. she has to begin doing so.
    - If she cannot follow these simple rules or boundaries, without complaint, she must leave.

    Think about this. You are teaching her it is okay for her to walk all over you, do what she likes, even to the point of you being locked away I your bedroom- ridiculous!!

    If you cannot face her alone out of fear, then get another family member in on this. Arrange for you and her, and anyone else you invite, to calmly and confidently lay down the rules.

    She can take it or leave it. You are doing her NO favours in not expecting anything from her. You have done this to yourself, and now it is time to step up, and get things back in the right order.

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